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Is there really such a thing as tough love

either between friends or parents or partners
or is it just an excuse for non-love and abuse
AlienFox · 36-40, F
My parents did the tough love thing. Left me crying in the crib. Bloody noses. Don't tell them how you feel unless you want to get laughed at.

I hated it. Now I've got a crusty shell.
NinaCherry · 26-30, F
@AlienFox "Don't tell them how you feel unless you want to get laughed at." yes thats exactly what i am referring to!
AlienFox · 36-40, F
@NinaCherry yeah when my dad thought I was being sensitive he would hit me in the nose.

It's hard growing up thinking nobody cares how you feel.
NinaCherry · 26-30, F
@AlienFox i didnt mean actual physical abuse, just not being kind and conscious of somebodys feelings. tough love if i tell my daughter "u r fat like a pig" rather than show her ways of losing weight
4meAndyou · F
There is when you are bringing up children. But a friend, a parent, or a partner is usually an adult, and adults have already been raised by their OWN parents.

An adult who decides to treat another adult as a child usually has a very serious reason for doing so...such as alcoholism, drug abuse, or criminal behavior. And that adult-on-adult tough love can all too easily slip into manipulation and control issues. So I am saying it is not too well thought out, and can actually be unwise and result in some serious resentment.

It is far better to distance yourself from people whom you [i]perceive[/i] as requiring "tough love". If there is a mental health program that helps them to deal with their alcoholism, drug abuse, or criminal behavior, it's perfectly all right to let them know about it, and let them know that you THINK they would benefit from such a program...but then step back. Step WAY back and give that person enough respect to decide on his or her own whether he or she wants to be saved.
Dallas7 · 22-25, F
Most of the time its an cover up for abuse. But sometimes it can save someones life. When I were an teenager , I had the most hellish time but I did have some really decent times, I had tones of problems so I will only mention some , One problem I had were I thought it were big and clever to get drunk all the time and get into trouble and cause other people trouble , my parents sorted this out by letting the police deal with me. They didnt have to but they did. And I had to talk to them. And they decided what happened. My parents didnt intervene. With the getting drunk thing , my dad let me drink an full bottle of vodka and it made me that drunk and ill it completely put me off for 2 years. He tried it with all the hard stuff but only vodka managed to put me off. I did go crazy again at age 19 but as soon as I turned 22 I didnt care anymore about getting drunk. Another problem I had were eating disorder , I got that bad I could had died. My hair would drop out , My period stopped and I had loads of health problems , my parents solved it by not letting me leave until I ate something as in an actual meal , at least two meals an day. Loads of therapy and regular weigh ins as I always tried to lie on my food diarys I were asked to write. At school , they had an paper sent home every week with what I brought on it. They also had someone watch me to make sure I ate as in having someone act as an friend. When that failed , they refused to take me out of the hosptial until I ate. When I got let out anyway as someone higher up went behind the doctors back , and my parents back , I recovered by myself , It took years , my parents didnt know what else to do to help me and didnt have the money to pay for private treatment but when they laid off , I did finally fully recover.
NinaCherry · 26-30, F
@Dallas7 umm yeah ok so u was a wildin out teenager but im talking about people who are not doing any of that
G0ddess · F
If tough love refers to being kept accountable and disciplined I think it’s fine and not abusive
Fuck "tough love" - all it ever taught me was that abuse is okay... abuse is to be reasoned with because "xxx" wasn't as bad as "yyy".

No, abuse is still abuse - no matter if it leaves bruises or not.
Tough love is one of those concepts totally abused by people.
To keep someone accountable and responsible, letting them realise the brunt of their mistakes while being there for them compassionately is tough love.
Everything else...is some form of it or some kind of abuse masquerading as it.
NinaCherry · 26-30, F
@thinkingoutloud so mocking somebody for having problems or not being able to deal with them.. what would that be?
@NinaCherry that's not love or tough love.
That is some kind of their own projection.
Pfuzylogic · M
I would consider that as conditioning a response to behavior.
I don’t approve of physical abuse but I do think that parents should not allow anything and everything.

Friends are not your parents.
That is a poor way to interrelate unless it is part of an understood sexual relationship, the non vanilla type.
CountryLez22 · 18-21, F
I've never been able to.
I wasnt disaplined i was abused i don't know about tough love, tough love doesn't leave bruises and broken ribs and black eyes so dont know i guess
travelguy01 · 41-45, M
@MyMonstersAreReal That is abuse not tough love. Tough love comes with actual love and growth in mind. Abusing someone is never with love in mind.
Absolutely there is. If I love someone, i'll tell them the truth for their own good, even tho it may be hard for them to hear, and will be "tough" on them and me.
HenryMills · M
Acts of love can be tough for both parties.
Unfortunately abusers often use this terminology to describe abuse.
pdockal · 56-60, M
depends on the situation but some times you have to allow the person to fail & hit rock bottom & NOT help them for them to get better
CrazyMusicLover · 31-35
I don't think it has anything to do with love but sometimes it's very healthy and necessary for growth.
DrWatson · 70-79, M
I have seen the phrase used as an excuse for abuse.

But I do believe tough love does exist, and it is really love.
Auggie · 36-40, M
Interesting question. I just ♥️'d two completely different points of view. lol
NinaCherry · 26-30, F
I meant non love or maybe even abuse
There is, but as others have said, it’s usually abused. One small example of actual "tough love" I remember was because I often overslept.
Mom would wake me up, but then I’d fall back asleep. I got a ride from her to my Jr. high school, over three miles away, on her way to work. One morning she told me that if I wasn’t ready when she was, I would have to walk to school.
That was only necessary once, going forward.

 
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