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Ever been on the short end of a three-way friendship?

I am friends with two wonderful women in my real life, but I would say they are definitely closer with each other than with me. I always accepted that, but I am really struggling with it lately. The one friend has been someone I have known for over 40 plus years and shared a close friendship with, the other is an old high school friend of [i]my[/i] friend. This other friend came into my friend's life over a decade ago and became part of our friendship. They knew each other in high school, but did not hang out until recent years.

I really like this other friend and we all seem to get along famously when we are together, but there are things that leave me dry about being in a three-way friendship these days.

The latest was another planned outing where we agreed to meet at a certain time in a restaurant. Our outings only happen a few times a year and they usually take a bit of texting and calling to set up. So we agreed on a time and I was there with time to spare. My two friends were already seated, drinks in hand. It really wouldn't have been a big deal on its own, but this has happened more than once; and yes, I did say something at the time about how I [i]thought[/i] we agreed when to meet. They just laughed it off and I did my best to not overthink it. It [i]does[/i] sound trivial on its own, but there are many other similar scenarios that has left me feeling like an after thought.

Maybe being in a three-way friendship is something I am not comfortable with anymore and I am losing my ability to not overthink things.

In the day, my old friend and I could talk about anything, whether it was something on her mind or mine. We were definitely close in the day. Now, there is no such intimacy since my friend always needs to share with the other. The few squabbles we have ever had in the last decade has always ended up being the two of them vs. me. And no, I have never shared any negative feeling about one to the other, but I don't think I am given the same respect.

Forty years is a long time for a friendship, so this is not something I take lightly and it certainly is not the first time I have felt this way. Perhaps the writing is on the wall and I will have to decide what is and isn't worth it.

So my question is twofold;

Has you ever been in this scenario? How did it end up for you?

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LadyGrace ·

No ma'am, I have never been in that scenario for those very reasons. I could do it with no problem, but I'm just a person that enjoys one to one conversation and that feels more intimate to me and makes me feel closer to the other person. Somehow I don't think three friends, work. You always run that risk of one being jealous of the other or the other one feeling left out. So I don't do the three friends thing. I love the quiet fellowship, trust, and closeness of just two friends. It just seems more special to me. I think I have been in your situation but it's been such a long time. I know I didn't stay in that situation because it made me very uncomfortable. That really is a sticky situation to be in. But what you could do from now on is suggest to them that you meet with one of them on one occasion and then on another occasion, visit with the other one. Just be honest and tell them you don't feel comfortable with the way things are right now and they will either accept or reject that idea and you will see who is your real friend. They should not have a problem with that. Because you're still getting to see each other but you could say you like the quality time that two people have together vs. three. That way no one's feelings are hurt and as friends, they will see that they both matter to you, that you're not playing favorites. Please keep me posted on how this turns out for you. And you know, having just one special friend and visiting with them, just makes me feel more special to someone that they would want my company and they would want to share their extra time with me.

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LadyGrace ·

@Peapod I don't know what your beliefs are, but I'm just saying that I think God can fix anything. I've seen him do it many times especially when he saved my daughter from dying and the doctors gave completely up on her. They gave her a week to live and she was making funeral arrangements but the family is a Praying family and we believed God for a miracle and we got it. Her kidneys had shut all the way down and everything. But she's back and healthier than ever and God did it in one day. So take a week or so to rethink everything and don't rush into anything, just play it by ear but I believe you won't have to give up your friend if you don't want to. I pray everything works out good for you.

Peapod · 61-69, F

@LadyGrace I'm glad you got that miracle with your daughter. What a wonderful thing.

I will not make any rash moves, one way or the other. I think for the short term, I will get her off my social media feed so she can do her thing and it's not there in my view every time I sign on.

LadyGrace ·

@Peapod now that's a smart idea.

Mellowgirl · 31-35, F

I can sympathise with you.
I was friendly with someone to the point where her family pretty much adopted me.
I was there more than at my own home.
Even my mom got upset.
I thought this made us best friends.
She had other friends before me and I accepted and liked them.
But I found very quickly that she would rather chase behind one girl even if she treated her like crap...
But me who was there, kind, had her back was an after thought.
I remember it was her birthday I was outside London for university.
She made dibver reservations for 7pm I rushed to get there on time even though I was over an hour away.
People who live 15 mins from the venue hadn't even arrived. When I called she told me to save the table because they wanted to give it away but still no sight of her.
I got annoyed.
Eventually I got fed up of waiting and left because her excuses were pissing me off.
In return she said "well forget you then!"

I was so hurt!

She'd never have spoken to the other girl like that.
Never...
I was just so upset!

I gave her another chance after that but then I just got completely fed up, of always feeling like the desperate fool!

When actually I was just a friend.

Peapod · 61-69, F

@Mellowgirl That is sad and I wonder if some people have no ability to see the value in others with solid qualities. Of course you are likely better off without her, but it hurts when you feel you gave it your all.

My friend has a wonderful big family that I also have enjoyed over the years. I know there will be more than one loss if I decide I need to put more distance between us.

The one problem of getting older is that you see your circle getting smaller, even with the best of circumstances.

Mellowgirl · 31-35, F

@Peapod personally I think it's important that you make the choice for yourself.
Because you don't want to be isolated which is kind of how I am atm.
Personally it would be a big loss.
Maybe you could talk to the friend and see what's wrong.
Without sounding rude much like myself sometimes people know when your life is small.
It becomes a reason for people to push you away especially if you show signs of loneliness.
I hope I'm not offending you.
Or you can wait for their honeymoon period to fizzle.
It may be years and yes you may miss the closeness but sometimes we have to accept that our relationships change.

Peapod · 61-69, F

@Mellowgirl, you are not rude at all. I really agree with every point you make. I too think I shouldn’t do anything rash because it would be a huge loss. I have to be cognizant of that fact I have had a lot on my plate and it’s probably why I am feeling all this much more acutely. Really, I already have a best friend in my husband which is huge. I just miss my girlfriends and wish there was a way to connect better with them. Time will tell where this goes.

DrWatson · 70-79, M

I know this is hard.

But even if the two of them feel closer to each other than they do to you, this particular incident at the restaurant might [i]not[/i] be due to that.

I meet with a group of friends for breakfast every Saturday morning. Some regularly show up a half hour early. One guy shows up almost exactly 2 minutes after the time we set, every week. And there is everything in between. People have different ideas of what "let's eat at ...." means.

Still, I do not want to seem to minimize the more general problem you write about. Yes, I have been in that situation. In some cases, it hurt. In other cases, it was no big deal. My whole life seems to be one of rotating friendships, unfortunately.

Peapod · 61-69, F

@DrWatson I do appreciate your thoughts and you are likely right about some people showing up early for a meeting. I think the next time there is a dinner date, I could try and be extra early, just to see if it stops me from being the last one there. I just know there was a time we always met in the lobby for each other. The few times I came as the second one in, it was always suggested we wait for the third before getting our table. We always have reservations, so there has never been an urgent need to grab a seat.

With the dinner scenario aside, I do know through many other interactions that I am on the outside of this circle. Social media like Facebook makes it worse and I find I don’t go on it much because of it. I found myself trying too hard to acknowledge them with little in return. Actually, the girl that came into our friendship probably tries harder than my old friend to include me on occasion. And trust me, I would get rid of my account in a heartbeat if it wasn’t for other connections I have with other great online friends and relatives that don’t live nearby.

Yeh, it hurts and I wish it didn’t.

Piper · 61-69, F

Yes. Not quite the same scenario, of course, but with a few pretty close friends of mine that I'd wanted to meet the other. Different friends except for the one, who in both cases had me feeling kind of like the "after thought" at times, when we'd all agreed on doing something together. It was pretty obvious, not just me feeling a little hurt because I [i]felt [/i] I was being treated as the less important one.

It was not because of that, that my friendships with either of the three ended, but the lack of trust when one would tell me something the other said about me would have eventually anyway, I think.

Peapod · 61-69, F

@Piper I wonder if these sorts of friendships are ever successful in the long run. Best friends share a lot together, including a safe place to share their real feelings about things which may include other mutual people you know. But it seems to me that a three-way may set one up to be talked about. I personally have never been one to indulge in gossip between two people I genuinely consider a friend. I can't really say the same with my friends and knowing that gives me reason for pause.

I really don't know what to do with this situation. I hate I have given this much thought in my head about it, yet feel stuck.

If I pull away, I do think my closest friend will eventually ask me the reasons why. If I tell her the truth about how I feel, I don't see that being heard in the way I would hope it would be. To already know I am the outsider kinda says it all. And then add in the social media contacts....uuugh. I went through that with my sister as you know. Nothing is private. I come here because I know there are no mutual friends.

Piper · 61-69, F

@Peapod I don't know, except that my own similar sorts of friendships did not end up being lasting ones.

I wish I even thought I knew what to offer as any kind of 'advice', concerning your closest friend and what best to do about distancing yourself. I do know that based on what you've written, that I would have to distance myself some from even my very [i]old[/i] friend, as far as trust and the emotional attachment. If my friend asked why and my telling her was met with derision or something, then I'd know for sure if I'd just still care about her...as opposed to being someone to confide in about anything really personal.

Peapod · 61-69, F

@Piper, to be honest, she hasn't always been my closest friend, but I would say we have have a long history.

I do find myself not sharing myself like I used to.

bijouxbroussard · F

I get this. I had the experience in college, one person with whom I’d had a complicated friendship (my sister said the girl was clearly jealous but I couldn’t see it). I made a new friend and the three of us hung out. The upshot was, the two of them basically decided they had more in common than either had with me. So, that was [b]that[/b] story. I was rather gun shy afterwards, as well. 🫤

Peapod · 61-69, F

@bijouxbroussard I have been told by a few over the years that jealously was also a real thing going on. I never felt I was one to envy, so like you, I struggle to see it.

Our dynamics have changed over the years where maybe she sees me as someone she cannot dominate like she once did. I've grown up a lot over the years and will speak up if need be. The other girl seems to like the role of pampering my friend. My friend is quite used to that since she did have very doting parents.

I guess another factor is my friend is very sentimental for her high school days and perhaps this friend keeps her plugged in to those memories. I really don't know.

What I do know for certain is that neither girl on their own is very assertive. If asked, I will share what I think directly.

This may be the last thing I may consider sharing directly or perhaps I will just start pulling away. That is something I have been mulling over.

Like you, I am gun shy when it comes to making new friends. The older I get, the more I have trust issues.

Spoiledbrat · F

Maybe you should talk to them about it.😖

Peapod · 61-69, F

@Spoiledbrat Seems logical to do so, but I have been in a scenario of them being more an united front together as opposed to the three of us giving each equal respect. Basically they are closer to each other and have each other's backs and I don't share that.

Zonuss · 41-45, M

Interesting story. But never been in this type of situation before.

Peapod · 61-69, F

@Zonuss This is why I envy guys. lol. Seriously, I rarely if ever see men struggle over friendship triangles.

My husband has some wonderful friends and it's nice to see. He also sees me as his best friend. It gives me faith that it's not personal to me.

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