Ever been on the short end of a three-way friendship?

I am friends with two wonderful women in my real life, but I would say they are definitely closer with each other than with me. I always accepted that, but I am really struggling with it lately. The one friend has been someone I have known for over 40 plus years and shared a close friendship with, the other is an old high school friend of [i]my[/i] friend. This other friend came into my friend's life over a decade ago and became part of our friendship. They knew each other in high school, but did not hang out until recent years.

I really like this other friend and we all seem to get along famously when we are together, but there are things that leave me dry about being in a three-way friendship these days.

The latest was another planned outing where we agreed to meet at a certain time in a restaurant. Our outings only happen a few times a year and they usually take a bit of texting and calling to set up. So we agreed on a time and I was there with time to spare. My two friends were already seated, drinks in hand. It really wouldn't have been a big deal on its own, but this has happened more than once; and yes, I did say something at the time about how I [i]thought[/i] we agreed when to meet. They just laughed it off and I did my best to not overthink it. It [i]does[/i] sound trivial on its own, but there are many other similar scenarios that has left me feeling like an after thought.

Maybe being in a three-way friendship is something I am not comfortable with anymore and I am losing my ability to not overthink things.

In the day, my old friend and I could talk about anything, whether it was something on her mind or mine. We were definitely close in the day. Now, there is no such intimacy since my friend always needs to share with the other. The few squabbles we have ever had in the last decade has always ended up being the two of them vs. me. And no, I have never shared any negative feeling about one to the other, but I don't think I am given the same respect.

Forty years is a long time for a friendship, so this is not something I take lightly and it certainly is not the first time I have felt this way. Perhaps the writing is on the wall and I will have to decide what is and isn't worth it.

So my question is twofold;

Has you ever been in this scenario? How did it end up for you?

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LadyGrace ·

No ma'am, I have never been in that scenario for those very reasons. I could do it with no problem, but I'm just a person that enjoys one to one conversation and that feels more intimate to me and makes me feel closer to the other person. Somehow I don't think three friends, work. You always run that risk of one being jealous of the other or the other one feeling left out. So I don't do the three friends thing. I love the quiet fellowship, trust, and closeness of just two friends. It just seems more special to me. I think I have been in your situation but it's been such a long time. I know I didn't stay in that situation because it made me very uncomfortable. That really is a sticky situation to be in. But what you could do from now on is suggest to them that you meet with one of them on one occasion and then on another occasion, visit with the other one. Just be honest and tell them you don't feel comfortable with the way things are right now and they will either accept or reject that idea and you will see who is your real friend. They should not have a problem with that. Because you're still getting to see each other but you could say you like the quality time that two people have together vs. three. That way no one's feelings are hurt and as friends, they will see that they both matter to you, that you're not playing favorites. Please keep me posted on how this turns out for you. And you know, having just one special friend and visiting with them, just makes me feel more special to someone that they would want my company and they would want to share their extra time with me.

Peapod · 61-69, F

@LadyGrace , I really appreciate what you said about the intimacy of a one on one friendship. In the days I had it, I really treasured it. I treasure it with my spouse because he really is a wonderful person I can share my thoughts and feelings with and he does the same with me. Maybe it’s because of the qualities he has, my bar has been raised and I am not OK with feeling like an after thought with these girlfriends. I have never had a one on one friendship with the girl that joined in. She’s really sweet when we are together as a group, but I’m certain after all this time, she would only hang with me in a group. But what you say is a great suggestion if I had a one on one connection with her, or she with me. They have the intimate bond. At one time, it my old friend had it with me.

I guess its just part of life.

LadyGrace ·

@Peapod yes I'm sure that is very hurtful. And I think your response is normal. I don't see who wouldn't feel bad about that. I hope you do get it straightened out with both of them but I know that it really hurts when it switches like that because you were so close with her way before the other lady joined in and now it's like that was sort of taken away. Let me know how this turns out, please. Don't forget okay? 🤗

Peapod · 61-69, F

@LadyGrace Thank-you for your kind words. I think I know deep down inside this is not something that will get fixed. I have such a long history with her, even before the other lady came in.

I think I am beginning the process of reassessing what I want for myself. It's just such a tough process and scary when you understand the natural course of life has made your social circle small to begin with.

LadyGrace ·

@Peapod I don't know what your beliefs are, but I'm just saying that I think God can fix anything. I've seen him do it many times especially when he saved my daughter from dying and the doctors gave completely up on her. They gave her a week to live and she was making funeral arrangements but the family is a Praying family and we believed God for a miracle and we got it. Her kidneys had shut all the way down and everything. But she's back and healthier than ever and God did it in one day. So take a week or so to rethink everything and don't rush into anything, just play it by ear but I believe you won't have to give up your friend if you don't want to. I pray everything works out good for you.

Peapod · 61-69, F

@LadyGrace I'm glad you got that miracle with your daughter. What a wonderful thing.

I will not make any rash moves, one way or the other. I think for the short term, I will get her off my social media feed so she can do her thing and it's not there in my view every time I sign on.

LadyGrace ·

@Peapod now that's a smart idea.