Ever been on the short end of a three-way friendship?

I am friends with two wonderful women in my real life, but I would say they are definitely closer with each other than with me. I always accepted that, but I am really struggling with it lately. The one friend has been someone I have known for over 40 plus years and shared a close friendship with, the other is an old high school friend of [i]my[/i] friend. This other friend came into my friend's life over a decade ago and became part of our friendship. They knew each other in high school, but did not hang out until recent years.

I really like this other friend and we all seem to get along famously when we are together, but there are things that leave me dry about being in a three-way friendship these days.

The latest was another planned outing where we agreed to meet at a certain time in a restaurant. Our outings only happen a few times a year and they usually take a bit of texting and calling to set up. So we agreed on a time and I was there with time to spare. My two friends were already seated, drinks in hand. It really wouldn't have been a big deal on its own, but this has happened more than once; and yes, I did say something at the time about how I [i]thought[/i] we agreed when to meet. They just laughed it off and I did my best to not overthink it. It [i]does[/i] sound trivial on its own, but there are many other similar scenarios that has left me feeling like an after thought.

Maybe being in a three-way friendship is something I am not comfortable with anymore and I am losing my ability to not overthink things.

In the day, my old friend and I could talk about anything, whether it was something on her mind or mine. We were definitely close in the day. Now, there is no such intimacy since my friend always needs to share with the other. The few squabbles we have ever had in the last decade has always ended up being the two of them vs. me. And no, I have never shared any negative feeling about one to the other, but I don't think I am given the same respect.

Forty years is a long time for a friendship, so this is not something I take lightly and it certainly is not the first time I have felt this way. Perhaps the writing is on the wall and I will have to decide what is and isn't worth it.

So my question is twofold;

Has you ever been in this scenario? How did it end up for you?

This page is a permanent link to the reply below and its nested replies. See all post replies »

Mellowgirl · 31-35, F

I can sympathise with you.
I was friendly with someone to the point where her family pretty much adopted me.
I was there more than at my own home.
Even my mom got upset.
I thought this made us best friends.
She had other friends before me and I accepted and liked them.
But I found very quickly that she would rather chase behind one girl even if she treated her like crap...
But me who was there, kind, had her back was an after thought.
I remember it was her birthday I was outside London for university.
She made dibver reservations for 7pm I rushed to get there on time even though I was over an hour away.
People who live 15 mins from the venue hadn't even arrived. When I called she told me to save the table because they wanted to give it away but still no sight of her.
I got annoyed.
Eventually I got fed up of waiting and left because her excuses were pissing me off.
In return she said "well forget you then!"

I was so hurt!

She'd never have spoken to the other girl like that.
Never...
I was just so upset!

I gave her another chance after that but then I just got completely fed up, of always feeling like the desperate fool!

When actually I was just a friend.

Peapod · 61-69, F

@Mellowgirl That is sad and I wonder if some people have no ability to see the value in others with solid qualities. Of course you are likely better off without her, but it hurts when you feel you gave it your all.

My friend has a wonderful big family that I also have enjoyed over the years. I know there will be more than one loss if I decide I need to put more distance between us.

The one problem of getting older is that you see your circle getting smaller, even with the best of circumstances.

Mellowgirl · 31-35, F

@Peapod personally I think it's important that you make the choice for yourself.
Because you don't want to be isolated which is kind of how I am atm.
Personally it would be a big loss.
Maybe you could talk to the friend and see what's wrong.
Without sounding rude much like myself sometimes people know when your life is small.
It becomes a reason for people to push you away especially if you show signs of loneliness.
I hope I'm not offending you.
Or you can wait for their honeymoon period to fizzle.
It may be years and yes you may miss the closeness but sometimes we have to accept that our relationships change.

Peapod · 61-69, F

@Mellowgirl, you are not rude at all. I really agree with every point you make. I too think I shouldn’t do anything rash because it would be a huge loss. I have to be cognizant of that fact I have had a lot on my plate and it’s probably why I am feeling all this much more acutely. Really, I already have a best friend in my husband which is huge. I just miss my girlfriends and wish there was a way to connect better with them. Time will tell where this goes.