Ever been on the short end of a three-way friendship?

I am friends with two wonderful women in my real life, but I would say they are definitely closer with each other than with me. I always accepted that, but I am really struggling with it lately. The one friend has been someone I have known for over 40 plus years and shared a close friendship with, the other is an old high school friend of my friend. This other friend came into my friend's life over a decade ago and became part of our friendship. They knew each other in high school, but did not hang out until recent years.

I really like this other friend and we all seem to get along famously when we are together, but there are things that leave me dry about being in a three-way friendship these days.

The latest was another planned outing where we agreed to meet at a certain time in a restaurant. Our outings only happen a few times a year and they usually take a bit of texting and calling to set up. So we agreed on a time and I was there with time to spare. My two friends were already seated, drinks in hand. It really wouldn't have been a big deal on its own, but this has happened more than once; and yes, I did say something at the time about how I thought we agreed when to meet. They just laughed it off and I did my best to not overthink it. It does sound trivial on its own, but there are many other similar scenarios that has left me feeling like an after thought.

Maybe being in a three-way friendship is something I am not comfortable with anymore and I am losing my ability to not overthink things.

In the day, my old friend and I could talk about anything, whether it was something on her mind or mine. We were definitely close in the day. Now, there is no such intimacy since my friend always needs to share with the other. The few squabbles we have ever had in the last decade has always ended up being the two of them vs. me. And no, I have never shared any negative feeling about one to the other, but I don't think I am given the same respect.

Forty years is a long time for a friendship, so this is not something I take lightly and it certainly is not the first time I have felt this way. Perhaps the writing is on the wall and I will have to decide what is and isn't worth it.

So my question is twofold;

Has you ever been in this scenario? How did it end up for you?

bijouxbroussard · F

I get this. I had the experience in college, one person with whom I’d had a complicated friendship (my sister said the girl was clearly jealous but I couldn’t see it). I made a new friend and the three of us hung out. The upshot was, the two of them basically decided they had more in common than either had with me. So, that was that story. I was rather gun shy afterwards, as well. 🫤

Peapod · 61-69, F

@bijouxbroussard I have been told by a few over the years that jealously was also a real thing going on. I never felt I was one to envy, so like you, I struggle to see it.

Our dynamics have changed over the years where maybe she sees me as someone she cannot dominate like she once did. I've grown up a lot over the years and will speak up if need be. The other girl seems to like the role of pampering my friend. My friend is quite used to that since she did have very doting parents.

I guess another factor is my friend is very sentimental for her high school days and perhaps this friend keeps her plugged in to those memories. I really don't know.

What I do know for certain is that neither girl on their own is very assertive. If asked, I will share what I think directly.

This may be the last thing I may consider sharing directly or perhaps I will just start pulling away. That is something I have been mulling over.

Like you, I am gun shy when it comes to making new friends. The older I get, the more I have trust issues.