Does one need parents in their life?

He doesn't want what he's doing to be judging you, so he says that it's not, even though it is. He says whatever he wants to be true.

YUP. Exactly. How does one get past that though? People from all over keep pushing family but if there was no family before how can there be one now? Especially with someone that is selfish, misguided, mentally reprehensible, etc.?

I had a LOT of extended family - mostly aunts/uncles/cousins on my mom's side. Guess how many sent me letters/etc after I left telling me how I should go back, and how family was important? - A bunch. Guess how many asked why I had left or made any effort to find out what things looked like from my perspective? - none of them. One of my mom's sisters disowned the family too - in families like mine, there are usually one or two in every generation who realize how sick the family dynamics are, and leave.

Look - on some level, every last one of them knows exactly why I left. But in order to survive their own childhoods, growing up with my mom's monster-parents, they had to find ways of blinding themselves or otherwise coping with it. Some of them are blind to it. Some of them see it, but make excuses for it to keep themselves from *really* seeing it for what it is.

When you're in a closed group like a family, it's easy for it to seem like the way that you see things can't possibly be true. everyone but you sees things one way, and you see them another - anyone would question their point of view in the midst of that. But I've seen it a million times - a closed group of people with a twisted view of things, constantly reinforcing that twisted view for each other. All communities do it, to a point - but abusive families take it about a million times farther than most other groups. It's like they're living in a bubble.

As for how to get past it: Toxic people aren't called toxic just for shits and giggles. They're called toxic because being around them is exactly parallel to being around a toxic waste barrel. If you stay near it, then it'll slowly poison you. There's nothing you can say or do - no way in which you can learn to handle your emotions or cope - that will stop you from being slowly poisoned by every second that you spend around them. Leaving won't just make the poison go away - you don't spend years or decades eating poison and not have that leave a mark - but real healing is impossible as long as the poison is still entering your system again and again.

I am hoping they can appreciate my good points as well. But even going through the military does not change their mind. They still see me as a kid.

@LysanderFremont: Yeah, I'd say its well overdue for a longterm/permanent separation by distance, if you can manage it. If they haven't changed yet, they probably wont, so keeping the irritation and annoyance of it to a minimum seems the wisest choice.

@firefall: I am on one side of the US while they are on the other. Yet, on the phone and FB, we are still connected and it is frustrating. They want to keep in contact like once a week and I'm just like "No".

It really is bothersome.

I have been trying. My father, he is a stubborn one. Really stubborn. A hypocrite as well. Judged me as to why I did not tell them sooner when my half-brother (on my father's side) sexually assaulted me when I was a kid; held that against me as a judgment.

Hard to have an adult-to-adult relationship when you see someone's mind is like that.

@firefall: Best of luck. I do know about difficult parents. The decisions are never easy.

@greenmountaingal: oh mine died a while ago (and in another country), I mercifully don't need to be personally concerned

@firefall: Sorry to read that, from the both of ya. It must've been a tough decision but I am learning that with parents it is almost like being in a relationship(and the correlation that who you date matches somewhat of who your parents are like is upsetting my stomach).

Learning what the signs are when someone is abusive to you or when they are being genuine, things like that.

But I will take that legally binding bit a look. Thank you for sharing, greenmountaingal.

My parents did give me the basics: shelther, food, clothes. An education (though I probably would have preferred one in a public school). But when it came to home stuff, it never quite felt like a family. We did events here and there but it felt more... planned just to make it 'seem' like a family, rather than a family thing, you know?

@EvexxEyes: Yeah, my parents would be better if they were just cousins or auntie/uncle but as parents? I do not think either of them are as good as they think they are. But they are good people deep down.

My mom taught me about having a moral compass and being a good person in life. Safe? Probably not if you account growing up with a half-brother who tortures you, assaults you, and attempts to cut your thumb off because he asked which one would you not miss the most.

And I am alive but more so my own doing.

They helped me out before, financially. This was before I got the job I have now and all.

They are both retired and have a house with two dogs. They are set as far as I know.

We've had a difficult history. Being a kid, listening to ma and pa fight, yell, scream at each other for just the smallest of details. Kids pick up a lot and when you are the only child...it can make things difficult.

Yep. Been dealing with them for awhile and now, it has come to the point where I will not take it anymore.

Feels good to know where I stand though.