Does one need parents in their life?

Thank you. It seems like that may be my best option, even though my mother would probably feel all sorts of sadness. They are open-minded, but not that open-minded if you get my meaning.

Actually, I don't get your meaning at all.

I apologize. They are open to other minority groups, religions, sexuality, etc. But when it comes to finding more information or backing about certain fund raising groups (North Dakota pipeline for example), my father especially, is very narrow-minded with it. He doesn't want to be involved, even though through my life, he spoke of our Native American background (he is donating to a local church and I asked if he could instead for one week, use that donation for the protesters at the Dakota pipeline and he said he does not want to get involved, he is not made out of money...yet he'll continue to donate to the church locally).

That sounds less like him not being open to certain fund raising groups, and more like an excuse to hurt you, especially because it sounds like fighting against the North Dakota pipeline is something that he'd normally support. You care about xyz fundraising groups, so by insulting and not supporting those groups, he's able to indirectly insult and not support you. That's a classic play from the abusive parent playbook - he's a bully who's doing it to hurt you.

Yeah, there is a lot of things he does and then he remarked, when I told him he was judging me "I'm not judging, it is what it is" which I HATE that phrase with a passion because he said it.

I just want to know that I do not have parents that are great to be around with all the time.

He doesn't want what he's doing to be judging you, so he says that it's not, even though it is. He says whatever he wants to be true.

YUP. Exactly. How does one get past that though? People from all over keep pushing family but if there was no family before how can there be one now? Especially with someone that is selfish, misguided, mentally reprehensible, etc.?

I had a LOT of extended family - mostly aunts/uncles/cousins on my mom's side. Guess how many sent me letters/etc after I left telling me how I should go back, and how family was important? - A bunch. Guess how many asked why I had left or made any effort to find out what things looked like from my perspective? - none of them. One of my mom's sisters disowned the family too - in families like mine, there are usually one or two in every generation who realize how sick the family dynamics are, and leave.

Look - on some level, every last one of them knows exactly why I left. But in order to survive their own childhoods, growing up with my mom's monster-parents, they had to find ways of blinding themselves or otherwise coping with it. Some of them are blind to it. Some of them see it, but make excuses for it to keep themselves from *really* seeing it for what it is.

When you're in a closed group like a family, it's easy for it to seem like the way that you see things can't possibly be true. everyone but you sees things one way, and you see them another - anyone would question their point of view in the midst of that. But I've seen it a million times - a closed group of people with a twisted view of things, constantly reinforcing that twisted view for each other. All communities do it, to a point - but abusive families take it about a million times farther than most other groups. It's like they're living in a bubble.

As for how to get past it: Toxic people aren't called toxic just for shits and giggles. They're called toxic because being around them is exactly parallel to being around a toxic waste barrel. If you stay near it, then it'll slowly poison you. There's nothing you can say or do - no way in which you can learn to handle your emotions or cope - that will stop you from being slowly poisoned by every second that you spend around them. Leaving won't just make the poison go away - you don't spend years or decades eating poison and not have that leave a mark - but real healing is impossible as long as the poison is still entering your system again and again.