My mother is old and I don't know how to forgive her. I almost made her cry today.
I feel bad about it even after I have apologized.
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I saw my husband deal with this when his father had a stroke. There had been so much resentment built up over the years which couldn't just disappear. But the man in front of him needed compassion.
It is not a switch that can change but there needs to some acceptance that there will be no apology from them, no understanding reached. Just a decision to move onto the next chapter.
It is not a switch that can change but there needs to some acceptance that there will be no apology from them, no understanding reached. Just a decision to move onto the next chapter.
Miram · 31-35, F
@InOtterWords I wish I could just get there and give up that expectation.
She truly broke my heart beyond repair. I look at her and I see my past horror, and she is like it never happened.
It is unreal. So unreal I started having a migraine from just typing this.
She truly broke my heart beyond repair. I look at her and I see my past horror, and she is like it never happened.
It is unreal. So unreal I started having a migraine from just typing this.
deadgerbil · 26-30
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TinyViolins · 31-35, M
At some point you realize that parents are just children with children. The same ways you were messed up by them, they were messed up by someone else. Trauma and the coping mechanisms that follow just end up getting passed down to the next generation until someone can find it in them to break the cycle.
I think about how horrible my mother's father was and how neglected her own mother left her, and don't find is surprising how manipulative and domineering she ended up becoming. She probably felt that the only way she could have love and respect was by forcing it out of people. She never fully healed from childhood wounds. It's only a matter of time before those unhealed afflictions end up getting passed on to someone else.
You might not be able to forgive their actions, but you can forgive them for being forged by bad parenting and molded by human stupidity. Most people lack the awareness to fully understand the chain of events that created them.
I think about how horrible my mother's father was and how neglected her own mother left her, and don't find is surprising how manipulative and domineering she ended up becoming. She probably felt that the only way she could have love and respect was by forcing it out of people. She never fully healed from childhood wounds. It's only a matter of time before those unhealed afflictions end up getting passed on to someone else.
You might not be able to forgive their actions, but you can forgive them for being forged by bad parenting and molded by human stupidity. Most people lack the awareness to fully understand the chain of events that created them.
Miram · 31-35, F
@TinyViolins
I think you're trying to give me comfortable explanation why people do what they do.
But let's be honest here, not every evil action comes from "hurt". Some come from greed and some don't even have an underlying psychological reason other than self-preservation.
I think you're trying to give me comfortable explanation why people do what they do.
But let's be honest here, not every evil action comes from "hurt". Some come from greed and some don't even have an underlying psychological reason other than self-preservation.
TinyViolins · 31-35, M
@Miram I'm by no means trying to condone or minimize her actions. I don't know a single thing about your mother so I'm mostly speaking in generalizations. I'm not in any position to mediate the history between you two.
I guess what I've been trying to say in a roundabout way is that people have reasons for doing what they do, whether they realize it or not. It doesn't necessarily have to be for the right reasons. It's possible that your mother is a monster and there is no redemption for her. I wouldn't know. But it could also be possible that she's ignorant or adheres to brutish beliefs.
There's an adage known as Hanlon's Razor that says "never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity".
It's a saying that has helped me a lot in coming to terms with my own abusive mother. I thought she was a monster for the longest time. I seethed with anger every time I thought of her, no matter how far away I ran. I was convinced that her death would have come by my hand, and I would have felt no guilt over it. But now in looking back, all I feel is pity for how cognitively and emotionally deformed her life has left her. Despite the remorse she feels, she's only capable of causing pain due to her own lack of awareness.
If your mother is still in your life, there's probably a good chance that she's not a monster either. There was a reason why she did the things she did, however flawed those reasons might have been. My experience is that when you realize you've been letting the past whims of an emotionally crippled idiot dictate your moods, it's easier to move on with your life. Some people are not worth the heartache, even if they're your family.
I guess what I've been trying to say in a roundabout way is that people have reasons for doing what they do, whether they realize it or not. It doesn't necessarily have to be for the right reasons. It's possible that your mother is a monster and there is no redemption for her. I wouldn't know. But it could also be possible that she's ignorant or adheres to brutish beliefs.
There's an adage known as Hanlon's Razor that says "never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity".
It's a saying that has helped me a lot in coming to terms with my own abusive mother. I thought she was a monster for the longest time. I seethed with anger every time I thought of her, no matter how far away I ran. I was convinced that her death would have come by my hand, and I would have felt no guilt over it. But now in looking back, all I feel is pity for how cognitively and emotionally deformed her life has left her. Despite the remorse she feels, she's only capable of causing pain due to her own lack of awareness.
If your mother is still in your life, there's probably a good chance that she's not a monster either. There was a reason why she did the things she did, however flawed those reasons might have been. My experience is that when you realize you've been letting the past whims of an emotionally crippled idiot dictate your moods, it's easier to move on with your life. Some people are not worth the heartache, even if they're your family.
Viper · M
I'm so sorry to hear that ... sometimes I struggle with my parents believes, and I can generally forgive my mom as while she struggles with certain open ideas, she does attempt and she does try, she does her best, even if her best isn't that great ... but her intentions are extremely well.
That's how I can forgive her and overlook any errors she might have, plus she's had to deal with my dad so lol...
My dad on the other hand... he doesn't try his best... and he likes to stir the pot and cause trouble at times in purpose. 😒 I have troubles with that... and he's obsessed with politics, and bringing it up...
That's how I can forgive her and overlook any errors she might have, plus she's had to deal with my dad so lol...
My dad on the other hand... he doesn't try his best... and he likes to stir the pot and cause trouble at times in purpose. 😒 I have troubles with that... and he's obsessed with politics, and bringing it up...
OceanRoses · F
It's very delicate sorry, if she is healthy can you take her to dinner? Movie anything she likes or make her a dish? do a little house cleaning? We argue my daughter & I to ease the tension nice gestures help. May it mend soon. You care cause it shows being a Mom just a bit more patience is appreciated especially as we age.💐Occasionally boundaries are needed nothing wrong with it.
hiddenpearl · F
I understand... :(
I always feel worse after hurting the ones I love
but it is almost uncontrollable
childhood traumas rule upon this situations ...
my advice is connect with Gaia and mother Mary they will help you heal and forgive
it is very difficult for me to cope with my mom somedays..I see thru her masks
I always feel worse after hurting the ones I love
but it is almost uncontrollable
childhood traumas rule upon this situations ...
my advice is connect with Gaia and mother Mary they will help you heal and forgive
it is very difficult for me to cope with my mom somedays..I see thru her masks
SkeetSkeet · 100+, F
Bang5luts · M
She's just grumpy. Look inside yourself, deeply, try to find that place inside you where you can imagine being her. It isn't easy for all of us to do. Let go of anything she has done to you. Clear your mind and imagine yourself as if you were her, not yourself being in her shoes. Something totally different. Make sure you are alone without distractions and breath slowly and deep breaths. Concentrate on imagining yourself being her abs going through things she has told you as you were growing up. Imagine how you might react if you were actually her. Then get her away from all other distractions. Touch her hand and tell your mom that you truly love her and the explain how you have done these things I told you to do and tell her how it made you feel and how you might have reacted if it had actually been you. I hope this help @Miram. 😊😇
iamonfire696 · 41-45, F
It’s really hard. In a way I have forgiven my mom but I haven’t forgotten how she treated me. I haven’t forgotten that she didn’t say anything and allowed me to be alone with that man.
My mom has early on set dementia now though so she doesn’t remember a lot from my childhood and honestly I don’t want her to remember her own childhood.
I understand why you are angry though.
My mom has early on set dementia now though so she doesn’t remember a lot from my childhood and honestly I don’t want her to remember her own childhood.
I understand why you are angry though.