My mother is old and I don't know how to forgive her. I almost made her cry today.
I feel bad about it even after I have apologized.
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TinyViolins · 31-35, M
At some point you realize that parents are just children with children. The same ways you were messed up by them, they were messed up by someone else. Trauma and the coping mechanisms that follow just end up getting passed down to the next generation until someone can find it in them to break the cycle.
I think about how horrible my mother's father was and how neglected her own mother left her, and don't find is surprising how manipulative and domineering she ended up becoming. She probably felt that the only way she could have love and respect was by forcing it out of people. She never fully healed from childhood wounds. It's only a matter of time before those unhealed afflictions end up getting passed on to someone else.
You might not be able to forgive their actions, but you can forgive them for being forged by bad parenting and molded by human stupidity. Most people lack the awareness to fully understand the chain of events that created them.
I think about how horrible my mother's father was and how neglected her own mother left her, and don't find is surprising how manipulative and domineering she ended up becoming. She probably felt that the only way she could have love and respect was by forcing it out of people. She never fully healed from childhood wounds. It's only a matter of time before those unhealed afflictions end up getting passed on to someone else.
You might not be able to forgive their actions, but you can forgive them for being forged by bad parenting and molded by human stupidity. Most people lack the awareness to fully understand the chain of events that created them.
TinyViolins · 31-35, M
@Miram Most people's choices are their own, but I find that their motivations and triggers are usually subconscious attempts to fulfill unmet needs. That's how the saying goes, right? Hurt people hurt people.
The ego is a powerful thing. It convinces us that there's only right and wrong, black and white, good and bad. Everything within a dichotomy. An unchallenged ego will usually go around imposing it's narrow views on others whether they like it or not. It's the root of basically all interpersonal conflict
The ego is a powerful thing. It convinces us that there's only right and wrong, black and white, good and bad. Everything within a dichotomy. An unchallenged ego will usually go around imposing it's narrow views on others whether they like it or not. It's the root of basically all interpersonal conflict
Miram · 31-35, F
@TinyViolins
I think you're trying to give me comfortable explanation why people do what they do.
But let's be honest here, not every evil action comes from "hurt". Some come from greed and some don't even have an underlying psychological reason other than self-preservation.
I think you're trying to give me comfortable explanation why people do what they do.
But let's be honest here, not every evil action comes from "hurt". Some come from greed and some don't even have an underlying psychological reason other than self-preservation.
TinyViolins · 31-35, M
@Miram I'm by no means trying to condone or minimize her actions. I don't know a single thing about your mother so I'm mostly speaking in generalizations. I'm not in any position to mediate the history between you two.
I guess what I've been trying to say in a roundabout way is that people have reasons for doing what they do, whether they realize it or not. It doesn't necessarily have to be for the right reasons. It's possible that your mother is a monster and there is no redemption for her. I wouldn't know. But it could also be possible that she's ignorant or adheres to brutish beliefs.
There's an adage known as Hanlon's Razor that says "never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity".
It's a saying that has helped me a lot in coming to terms with my own abusive mother. I thought she was a monster for the longest time. I seethed with anger every time I thought of her, no matter how far away I ran. I was convinced that her death would have come by my hand, and I would have felt no guilt over it. But now in looking back, all I feel is pity for how cognitively and emotionally deformed her life has left her. Despite the remorse she feels, she's only capable of causing pain due to her own lack of awareness.
If your mother is still in your life, there's probably a good chance that she's not a monster either. There was a reason why she did the things she did, however flawed those reasons might have been. My experience is that when you realize you've been letting the past whims of an emotionally crippled idiot dictate your moods, it's easier to move on with your life. Some people are not worth the heartache, even if they're your family.
I guess what I've been trying to say in a roundabout way is that people have reasons for doing what they do, whether they realize it or not. It doesn't necessarily have to be for the right reasons. It's possible that your mother is a monster and there is no redemption for her. I wouldn't know. But it could also be possible that she's ignorant or adheres to brutish beliefs.
There's an adage known as Hanlon's Razor that says "never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity".
It's a saying that has helped me a lot in coming to terms with my own abusive mother. I thought she was a monster for the longest time. I seethed with anger every time I thought of her, no matter how far away I ran. I was convinced that her death would have come by my hand, and I would have felt no guilt over it. But now in looking back, all I feel is pity for how cognitively and emotionally deformed her life has left her. Despite the remorse she feels, she's only capable of causing pain due to her own lack of awareness.
If your mother is still in your life, there's probably a good chance that she's not a monster either. There was a reason why she did the things she did, however flawed those reasons might have been. My experience is that when you realize you've been letting the past whims of an emotionally crippled idiot dictate your moods, it's easier to move on with your life. Some people are not worth the heartache, even if they're your family.