Can you pinpoint the creation of your loneliness?

My husband died from a brain hemorrhage in 2024. It's a loss that's left the biggest hole in my life. He was my best friend, my guide, my protector, the person who brought calmness and sanity to my life.
He got my twisted humour and made life fun but at the same time held me accountable for the stupid things I did. I miss him every day. 🌷

When my wife left almost 11 months ago. Now I come home to an empty place every night. I lay in an empty bed every night. Pretty much sucks.

I grew up with it. It happened over and over.

I'm more confused how I didn't turn into a monster.

Day my husband died

It had several nuances throughout my life.

Growing up with an older brother taught me the differences between girls and boys and I felt the absence of another girl my age. Most boys were too aggressive to my taste and my brother was the only companion I had as a little child and then during summer breaks unless a cousin came for a week or so. She rarely visited.

Getting separated from my first group of friends because of changing schools taught me I actually can be alone and can entertain myself on my own while surrounded by other people. It was painful to feel like an outcast at 7-8 but hey, you learn you can survive this.

Puberty kicking my head way too soon and making me craving stuff I was way too young for taught me to substitute the real thing with fantasy, limerence and daydreams. That inevitably lead to unrealistic wants and desires where reality seemed too dull and boring way too many times.

Being rejected by people I considered as my friends because of "odd interests" taught me that my own interests are of higher priority than social bonding or peer pressure of any kind.

And finally, getting used to social media like a global village where I can talk to anybody in any corner of the world if we meet in digital space sort of made me forget that we still physically live in different environments with different threats. And hence I was taught the feeling of loneliness where people who live in places that are flourishing and safe can't grasp sudden instability, fear of war, fear of one's future. That might actually apply to pandemic as well. Something healthcare workers had to feel when they listened to people talking how lockdowns were a sort of a paid vacation to them etc.

Jesus sorry, I talk too much. 😅🙈😬

Never feeling the comforts of a protector. Never feeling safe enough to trust anyone. Always feeling I had to take care of everything by myself. I remember being aware of these things starting around the third grade. A diagnosis of clinical depression came much later.

The seeds of loneliness were planted early and continue to blossom to this very day.

Having disengaged parents will do that . You get used to the feeling ...it's weird I felt more comfortable in my loneliness than being around others ..I guess it was out of necessity growing up ...I had to grow up fast

You lose a bit of yourself down that rabbit hole