Chemo, vs. nothing?

My dad, who was diagnosed last week with an aggressive form of cancer, Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma, has a choice of low dose chemotherapy or no treatment. They do not recommend the low dose currently, Bec even low dose "may" cause infection that can sometimes be fatal. They said hes very compromised being a stroke victim.
But they said we can always get another oncologist who would be ok with doing treatment. It can potentially eradicate much of the cancer.

OR, the option is to not treat it and go into palliative care. I asked how long he might have, they said anything from several weeks to a few months 🙁 My dad initially refused treatment, but after we discussed further, he said hed like to try treatment, and if hes too ill he'll stop.
What might you choose /hope for a loved one? (Of course it's their actual choice overall)

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DunningKruger · 61-69, M

The wife's mother, when she contracted cancer the second time, refused treatment. She was a long time dying, mostly living in a nursing home because they could no longer care for her at home. From what I understand, she really wasn't interested in much of anything other than sleeping. Of course, she was never really interested in much of anything when she wasn't sick, so it's hard to tell.

I didn't see it myself, but I got the impression that her final months were pretty miserable for everyone.

The first time she had cancer, she did have treatment. It was harsh — both chemo and radiation — and it took a toll on her, but after a few months, she was cancer free and relatively healthy for several years before the cancer recurred.

A friend of the wife's also developed Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. She had a lot of trouble tolerating the treatment. At one point, she came over to our house and just broke down crying like a baby because it hurt so much. It was hell for her for many months. Once she was done, though, the cancer was gone. That was almost 20 years ago, and she has been healthy and actually quite happy ever since.

It's an individual choice, and the results will vary because of the circumstances. It may be that the chemo won't do anything but extend your father's life a brief time and make him completely miserable for that time. It may be that it won't be so bad and he'll come out the other side pretty OK. Unfortunately, there's no way to know. It's something he's going to have to decide for himself. Whatever he decides to do, I suggest that you support him as best you can and do what you can to enjoy whatever time you have left together. Hope for the best but prepare yourself for the worst.

I hope this helps you.

Coralmist · 41-45, F

@DunningKruger Thank you for those experiences. I'm so glad it did work for your wife's friend with Non Hodgkin's. My dad has a lung infection too, so it's returned yesterday. I'm thinking more of how the doctor said it will be not good overall to do any chemo in his frail compromised condition. That he could very well suffer a fatal infection and pass sooner, than if he did Palliative. This is just surreal to me. Now I'm feeling guilty for times I didn't go visit him last year at the nursing home. But in honesty he did not care about my bad awful suffering for Years. I was there for him once a week last year, but I wish sometimes now, it was more.
I'll just try to go frequently now, they said he could have months, but also just weeks🙁

Elisbch · M

@Coralmist

Guilt can be very difficult to deal with. Everyone I think would be different. I struggled with it a little with my father who also did not care about all the years of suffering and abuse he brought. However, he went fast due to a really bad heart attack. He was not conscious when we said our goodbyes. Dr's said he wouldn't last the night. In my case, I realized that our relationship was such a waist. He had left so much pain in his wake that it wasn't very difficult for me to accept the end. For me, growing up, the beatings and psychological abuse had over ridden everything else so when he passed, I felt a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders, especially psychologically. It takes time to sift thru all the emotions. Don't beat yourself up, that will just fester as the years go on.
What ever your fathers decision is, I hope you and your family can find peace in it and be supportive. 🙏🏻
I'm sorry you're going thru all this. It's never easy.