I am getting to that point

About a year ago I really lost control and I was in a horrible place. I wasn't eating. My OCD was out of control and I ended up in the hospital for a while.

Well I weight is less now. Joel is scared. My buddy is scared. Yes they ganged up on my last night. They don't want me to end up in the hospital again. I didn't do well there for a while and things got really bad.

Since we believe we have any meds under control right now it's time to really focus on me eating.

During the week is crazy. We both work full time. We're raising 3 kids. We busy with their activities, and needs I get hyper focused on that. Their needs come first. As soon as I finish something I need to move on to the next thing on my list and I don't stop until it done. I don't stop to eat, use the restroom, drink nothing.

Like I said I'm in a bad way again. I will end up in the hospital or worse if I don't get this under control. I'm afraid.

But knowing I have the problem isn't the issue it's knowing what to do to get myself help. That's what we're struggling with.

The worst part is Joel will even ask me did you eat and I'll say yes I did but it was a small bite of what I was cooking so I could test it for the kids. But I ate something so that's what I tell him.

So my buddy is coming over tonight and we're going to try and come up with something. What I do know. But we have to come up with something fast.

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Coralmist · 41-45, F Best Comment

I'm sorry you're experiencing this condition 😟 The thing is even though the kids needs comes first sometimes, your needs have to come into it as well, or the parent can't mentally or physically provide in full, for the kids 🥺
It's possible the affliction and trauma from childhood is in the subconscious, diminishing your needs and Self. So it might be an idea to view yourself as say, IT, or as say, Joel. To remove your self to get an objective view of what is really occurring when you neglect all your physical or emotional needs. Like if Joel said , No I can't eat, I need to organize. Or no I'm not going to the bathroom I need to do that task. Would you say, Oh cool Joel sounds good..?? No you'd be saying" Joel you really need some drink now. You can do the task in ten minutes. " Or you'd say "Joel, let's eat together you can't go organize on nothing ." That's what I'm trying to do for my emotional neglect. I feel I don't deserve joy or love. So I'm trying to start thinking of myself as a child. To give a child love, I can do. But to give myself love? That's hard. So I have to remove myself from the equation... because we both you and I have distorted thinking of our Selves. We are running on no foundation 😢 I hope things can start to look up because you DO deserve it, and that's fact🪻

NativePortlander1970 ·

@Coralmist Exactly, when a plane depressurizes, parents are told to put their masks on first, then their kids, or they'll pass out and not be able to mask their kids.

Cigarguy101 · M

@NativePortlander1970 that would be me 😕 but thank goodness I don't fly

Cigarguy101 · M

@Coralmist this is exactly my problem. I always have to make sure everybody has what they need before we go out before we do anything go anywhere that they have their sensory bags their snacks their food their toys entertainment. I even make sure the hamster has food and water before we leave but I don't do that for myself. I could care less I have to make sure everyone else is ok. And I know I need to stop doing this I've been trying it is not easy. So here we are yet again trying to find some path that can help me before I end up in the hospital. I don't want to go in the hospital I don't want to let my family and friends down but I don't know if I can stop.

Coralmist · 41-45, F

@Cigarguy101 It's not easy at all. We were taught we don't matter or are tainted growing up...but would you ever teach a kid that at all?? For being a kid???? No. And yet we still believe those lies from the past, ingrained. That we don't matter. How am I going to help others, if I totally neglect myself?? I really can't. And you want to show kids what is healthy to do for your Self too. They see what their parents do. You'd never push your car on no oil or gas, your body is a machine in a way too. Know that it needs to be refueled here or there, or it can't maintain equilibrium. 🌼

Thanks for best comment 🌸

NativePortlander1970 ·

@Cigarguy101 I don't fly either, had a bad experience after we left Denver to Minneapolis when I was 15 in mid August 1985, returning to iowa from visiting relatives in the Portland, Oregon, area.

Cigarguy101 · M

@NativePortlander1970 with my tics and outbursts I don't think I'd do well on a plane

NativePortlander1970 ·

@Cigarguy101 With me I stay on tue ground, period, too many crashes. My older brother has his own private pleasure license to fly, and every single time he says flying is safe, within 24 hours a plane goes down, either commercial or private.