an eating disorder throughout childhood ruined how I see myself

I was an all star cheerleader from the time I was 9 until I turned 18. like gymnastics, it was really rough physically, except I was a flyer. People had to lift me, and I had to make it look easy. the people lifting me were not much older than me, and I remember hearing “I can’t lift her that easy, she’s heavy” from one of the girls who based me, as an adult I now know what she meant by it, because it is hard to lift someone the same size as you, and I probably was heavy, but in my 9 year old mind, she was saying I was overweight. I empathized with my bases and wanted to make it as easy as possible, I stopped eating the day of practices, which were Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. first I stopped eating by lunchtime because practices were at 5pm, I thought maybe one meal would make a difference, I realized it didn’t so I didn’t eat at all those days. after weeks of doing that, despite being weak and barely being able to do my skills, the girls were able to lift me easier, my coaches praised me thinking I had just gotten better, not knowing why they could do it so easily. this continued for years, I was 5’4, and barely 100lbs, as I got older, I began being praised by teammates, talking about how they wished they were that skinny, how i was so lucky i didn’t gain weight, so that only fueled it more. I tried eating before practices as i went into higher levels and had to do harder skills but it made me physically sick during practices, even on the days I didn’t practice, I didn’t eat most of the day to keep it a habit, I’d eat maybe a banana and a rice cracker a day and lots of liquids. Now that I’m no longer a cheerleader, I’ve gained almost 50lbs, I’ve started eating regularly, and although it’s normal, I’ve never seen myself at a normal weight. every time I look in the mirror I want my old body back, the one that was abused and malnourished