I Am Depressed More Than People Realize

I don't really know where to begin I can remember the darkness that engulfed me well. The feeling that I could no longer carry on that people would be better off if I wasn't here and that I wouldn't be missed the feelings of failure overwhelmed me I was disgusted with myself everything is falling apart everything is going wrong I can't get anything right. What is wrong with me I can't concentrate I am barley functioning even the easiest of tasks have become so difficult to do. I have no energy no enthusiasm and really no reason to live anymore. Im tired all the time and ive lost the will to fight as I have spent the last 15 years fighting for one thing or another. I can see any end to the misery that is my life. I yearn for it all to end and for my pain to leave me in peace. I'm tired of living a lie and hiding myself from the world, fearing that all eyes are on me and there judging me. I have been unable to verbalise my thoughts, my fears, my pain, anything for that matter. Just a never ending record player of negativity torturing my mind.The mask I wore was a facade. I could never allow anyone to see my weakness, to feel sorry for me or add fuel to the gossipers. To be so fake in such a real environment, to pretend all was right with my world when it had crumbled to the ground.Totally engrossed in myself, I have become a person I so dispise. I can barely function and be the selfless, caring and empathitic person I once was. I no longer recognise who I was anymore. I just hope with the help of my GP and my meds and my recent referral for counciling it will help me on my journey to recovery. I know I've a long way to go before I feel anything like normal. I so long for the day that I conquer my demons and become the person I once was.

From where you are standing it feels like you will never find a way out of the pit called depression. I can tell you that it is possible and the hope for a better tomorrow is still in you.

Every day, at least once each day, find something that makes you smile and is good. Sometimes it is just that you got to see both a sunrise and sunset since you didn't sleep that night. Once you begin looking, you will begin to see the world differently.

Try and find something new to learn, something "hard" that requires your full focus. For me it was learning to ride a motorcycle. That broke the cycle of renumeration of the problem you feel. If you can break that cycle, you can begin to heal emotionally and mentally.

I wish you well on your journey. There is lots of life a head of you to live !

Thank you, I'm still searching. I just feel lonely. I'm a jobless teen who only sees her family at night and sometimes not even at all and I just miss having them to hug or talk, but I'm still looking forward to finding something to distract myself with.

I dealt with depression for years. Please see a doctor. Mine saved my life. I had had enough. They can help. Peace

Because I have no idea if this is just a temporary feeling. And it's not like I have the words right when I have him in front of me. I also don't think he'd understand what I mean by all of this. Plus, I have no friends to talk to.

Thank you, will do.
P.S. Marriage is not in my cards yet and he knows that very well. I'm not really concerned about that. I'm gonna focus on myself first before doing anything.