I Am Depressed More Than People Realize

Lately, my depression has been getting worse. To the point where I can barely sleep. Not even with sleeping pills. I can barely eat because my stomach just can't tolerate half of the foods I used to eat. I feel like I'm going crazy, hating myself a little more everyday. I still haven't gotten a job and I have a trip to California next month. I don't know how I feel about that anymore.
My boyfriend has been talking to me lately about marriage and me moving in. Asking me what I think about it.. Honestly, I love him, but I just doubt him sometimes and it's hard to see a happy me in the future with him. It's enough already with this crippling depression and no one seems to notice the signs. I feel like I'm drowning in a cup of water and no one sees that.

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Anxiouslydepressed · 46-50, M

I don't really know where to begin I can remember the darkness that engulfed me well. The feeling that I could no longer carry on that people would be better off if I wasn't here and that I wouldn't be missed the feelings of failure overwhelmed me I was disgusted with myself everything is falling apart everything is going wrong I can't get anything right. What is wrong with me I can't concentrate I am barley functioning even the easiest of tasks have become so difficult to do. I have no energy no enthusiasm and really no reason to live anymore. Im tired all the time and ive lost the will to fight as I have spent the last 15 years fighting for one thing or another. I can see any end to the misery that is my life. I yearn for it all to end and for my pain to leave me in peace. I'm tired of living a lie and hiding myself from the world, fearing that all eyes are on me and there judging me. I have been unable to verbalise my thoughts, my fears, my pain, anything for that matter. Just a never ending record player of negativity torturing my mind.The mask I wore was a facade. I could never allow anyone to see my weakness, to feel sorry for me or add fuel to the gossipers. To be so fake in such a real environment, to pretend all was right with my world when it had crumbled to the ground.Totally engrossed in myself, I have become a person I so dispise. I can barely function and be the selfless, caring and empathitic person I once was. I no longer recognise who I was anymore. I just hope with the help of my GP and my meds and my recent referral for counciling it will help me on my journey to recovery. I know I've a long way to go before I feel anything like normal. I so long for the day that I conquer my demons and become the person I once was.