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I Have Been Emotionally Manipulated

I recently found out my husband has been cheating on me and it started after the first year milestone. He talked to her the same way he did me. He made me look and sound awful as a wife. Which is exactly how he portrayed his ex before me as well. He turned me into a person I wasn’t who was overly reliant and dependent on him whereas I’m usually very independent....

I know all this because the woman he cheated on me with reached out to me once she found out I existed. He claimed we were separated already when he first met her. How I emotionally abused him and all these awful things I never did. Mind you these are the same claims he told me about his other exes when we were first dating. It blew my mind! He would do and say all the exact same things. All the right things. To get in really good with his next target.

Looking back it makes me sick how easily I fell for his bullshit without looking into things. But I was young and stupid then. I should have known better.

One night it even got physical after I told him I’d been talking to her and how she helped expose him. He shoved me into the wall and I banged the back of my head from the force it left a bruise and swelled up. He then got in my face saying not to overreact and that he didn’t push me that hard. That’s the only time in my entire life I’ve truly been afraid of someone.

Now I find myself stuck. He’s been refusing to get divorced. He either claims he doesn’t have the money (which my dad said he would pay for it) or he doesn’t want to ruin my life or fill in the blank with an excuse here. It’s driving me crazy to still be legally attached to this horrible man that used me and does nothing but lie for his own advancement.

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WillaKissing · 56-60

I feel for you! Been there and done that before myself. Please take the money from you father and file the divorce. I do not know where you live in the world or the laws for divorce where you are living to be. But where I live in the state of Ohio, USA. he courts will issue a divorce once it is filed with or without the other parties co-operation in the filing over a period of time.

Good luck and God Bless!

ozgirl512 · 26-30, F

I think it's time to move on ...

SomniumProeliator · 31-35, F

@ozgirl512 I’ve already had the divorce papers drawn up. I’m working on it.

ozgirl512 · 26-30, F

@SomniumProeliator good for you... No one should put up with that

rckt148 · 61-69, M

You neither need his consent or his help to take half of everything ,,
I gave both my ex's everything ,all I wanted was them
It sucks so many good women have been jaded ,its hard finding one now days thats not already a man hater
I have admit I have caused my share of pain
But my scars was from a cheating and abusive Mom
Sorry you went through that ,,he sounds like he needs help
You taking him for 1/2 of everything the 2 of you have
thats a good start ,,it woke me up
But I would have given anything to make things better with either one of my wives
When you pretty much raise yourself ,,have few good examples
But at least I raise my kids not to repeat my mistakes

12345abc

You should get away from him as soon as possible. He has already been violent with you. I’d make sure he knows that you’ve told people that if something happens to you it was more than likely him. Just so it’s out there and maybe he won’t be tempted to do anything further. Men who are abusive towards women and children need to be beaten unconscious. Especially a cop who pretends to protect and serve.

Nemiko

[c=#666666]That sounds horrible indeed, sorry that you had to waste time on such a creep. I'm happy to hear that you have a supportive family, the house is yours, you're going to come out of this mess just fine I believe. I have no idea how those things work in the United States, but hopefully it won't take you far too long, best of luck! :)[/c]

4meAndyou · F

How horrible. He was exposed, found out, and now he is physically hurting you in order to bully you into staying with him, because he wants his cake and eat it too.

If you have not reported it to the police, do so now, belatedly, to be sure, but just so there is a record. Explain to them that, at the time, you did not know what to do. If your head is ever bruised, you should always go to the ER, as well. You could have had an internal brain bleed.

You go out and get yourself a good lawyer. Your Dad said he would pay for it. Let him. Do not inform him,(your husband),of any of your actions. It is very tempting, but if he knows what you are doing he will probably hurt you. Before him being served with divorce papers, move out, quietly and quickly while he is at work. See if your Dad can hire a moving company for you. You need to get to someplace safe.

Pfuzylogic · M

A police report on domestic abuse would have been appropriate especially with the injuries you received.

SomniumProeliator · 31-35, F

He made me scared to do it. Looking back now I wish I had. @Pfuzylogic

Pfuzylogic · M

@SomniumProeliator
He was scared.
He knew how illegal what he did was.
A judge will have no mercy on a punkass bully. Contact your local domestic shelter so you have some resources.

xixgun · M

You have proof of physical battery. Whether he "wants" to give you a divorce or not is irrelevant. You file, and move out. Not necessarily in that order.

Pherick · 41-45, M

Don't most states have a "if you haven't moved on divorce in so time it automatically happens" type thing?

I am pretty sure my state has something like if you filed for divorce, if he doesn't contest or move on it in a year, it automatically goes through.

In other words, no one can force you to stay married.

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Pherick · 41-45, M

@SomniumProeliator I totally understand. I know a friend of mine had to do this, in some fashion, the year started when she started sleeping in a different bedroom, then after the year and he hadn't signed or agreed to anything her lawyer put forward, a judge put it into forced arbitration and made it happen.

Best of luck to you, you deserve SO much better!

SomniumProeliator · 31-35, F

@Pherick thank you for sharing with me and I completely agree!

TheShanachie · 61-69, M

The lawyer sorts these things for you@SomniumProeliator

Hanging2 · 51-55, M

It is a difficult situation you find yourself in. It seems to me the more you want divorce the more he wants to deny it. It is a game for him. The trick is you need to stop playing his game and draw up rules for your own.
Dont continue to contact him.let or be for 6 months. Is there any real reason for wanting to get a divorce Asap?
Once he sees there is no sport in it, he will decide to divorce you

SomniumProeliator · 31-35, F

@Hanging2 back in March we have been separated a year and I just want to be done with it. It’s not sudden. It’s been a stupid head game he’s been playing for a while. I’ll definitely try things that way though. Hopefully I’ll get movement in the right direction.

Hanging2 · 51-55, M

@SomniumProeliator I felt that he was being difficult. Just dont engage with him. The more you do so the more fuel you put onto the fire. Trust me on this one. You are pissed off and feel aggrieved but you need to suck that all up and have an end game in mind.
Good luck and draw up a plan

Keepitsimple · 51-55, F

You don’t need his permission to divorce him. Do it. It all comes down to math in the end. I will say this...get out!! He’s obviously a habitual cheater and they have no guilt even if they say they do but most importantly get out with your life. I don’t know if you have children but my father beat my mother and then beat me. If you love yourself and your children get out. You are worth something. He isn’t the worth the pot he’s pissing in.

SomniumProeliator · 31-35, F

@Keepitsimple thank you for your positive words and feedback. I’m going to cut and run. Nothing can keep me with him. Thankfully no children are involved. I’m so sorry that happened though
:( that’s awful

lasergraph · 70-79, M

He is like a traveling show, well rehearsed, playing the same show over and over. He is good with delivering his lines now, he has done it again and again. He will eventually move to his next victim. He thrives on delivering his sad story to a new audience. Keep going forward with the divorce, I don't he will put in effort in officially fighting it.

SomniumProeliator · 31-35, F

@lasergraph you hit the nail on the head there! I’m definitely going to keep pushing to file.

SW-User

Such a horrible situation to be in.. I hope you get it sorted ASAP!

Swede · 26-30, F

How come he became your husband with that attitudes? didn't you find about him when you were dating him? how long did you date him before marrying? at what age did you marry him? I strongly suggest anyone who intends to marry date at least 3 years. yeah 3 years is MUST. the first year is to explore the person, since 2nd year you will encounter problems, since 3rd year you are going to solve them, if it's not possible to solve then leave each other, if solved genuinely then that relationship lasts very long.

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SomniumProeliator · 31-35, F

@Swede he portrayed himself very differently in the beginning. It’s hard to describe. He was so helpful and kind and loving then. Again. Young and stupid. I was 23.

rckt148 · 61-69, M

@Swede I married my second wife 1 yr to the day of meeting her ,,she was the best thing thats ever happened to me
and though a doctor saying nothing was wrong with me and I was just a drug addict looking for drugs didn't help
I did more then my share of screwing up ,,she was an angel
If I could go back ,,I would treat her like the Queen she deserved to be treated like ,,spent a lot more time with her and less on the road or on a job ,,but I did pay our home off just in time for a divorce ,,,LOL
But I was a rock star that hung out with the rich and famous ,I thought I was the jewel ,,boy was I wrong on that one
I was so ashamed of losing her
I lived homeless with the bums before I would ask any of my friends for help
I could have been living on a yacht instead of a hobo camp
but I was just to ashamed tp face anyone and let them know I messed that up ,
Every one said she was to young ,,she was not the problem
I was ,,she was my 3rd long term relationship
I knew her better then all the rest ,,at one time we did talk about everything ,Her Dad treated me like I was his son
But when my health had me in a position I was unable to work
scared where I go from here ,,well it was my fault
But 3 yrs or 20 ,,she was all I could have ever wanted
It took me 10 yrs to get over her

Swede · 26-30, F

@SomniumProeliator the best way to judge someone is by how they treat random strangers. if he is a man then how he treats other men, particularly homeless men. if a guy treated them good, then most likely he treats everyone around him good too unless he was mistreated by them or if he hated them due to some personal reason.
so if you start dating again, take him to a homeless shelter to donate them something, then observe how he treats and behaves with them. sometimes they may not show their true self in front of you, so ask from homeless people how they were treated by him. that way you can have a good idea of his personality.

also talk with him about various random topics, and observe what he says about them, how he reacts to them. if he exhibits a violent behaviour for no reason, if he curses at them without any valid reason then most likely he has this violent side.

SW-User

get rid of him. he ia a real SOB.👊👊

Livingwell · 61-69, M

So sorry for your experience.

BalmyNites · F

You must persevere in detaching yourself from this abuse, my husband refused a divorce & I had to wait 5 years, but I've never looked back 💙

SomniumProeliator · 31-35, F

@BalmyNites oh my word. 5 years?! How in the world did you do it? That sounds like an awful long time. I’ll definitely work on the detachment though. It was nice to finally be able to talk about it. Can’t report it when he’s a cop and works in the area you live...

BalmyNites · F

@SomniumProeliator Yes, I had to divorce him on the basis of a 5 year separation, because he wouldn't let me go 😔 In the end, I now have a lifelong restraining order on him to stay away. Of course you can, if he works as a policeman then you have all the more leverage, as he could potentially lose his job. Good luck anyway 🤗

496sbc · 36-40, M

ohh i recently went through a similar situation its extremely painful to go through especially when it was all a lie. / i am truly sorry he is a piece of garbage 🗑

TheShanachie · 61-69, M

Divorce him name him the defendant based on infidelity, cease all communication with him, you hire a lawyer to take this task for you.

approachingmyexpirationdate · 61-69, M

leave him.
move in with your parents until you can do better

let daddy pay for the divorce - and get rid of the bastard.

mrbuddhawannabe · 56-60, M

I assume that you have legal help. And I assume he still can get divorced even without his consent. He assaulted you and I will use that as part of the divorce. Are you still living together? Do you have a physical restraint order on him?

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SomniumProeliator · 31-35, F

@Swede unfortunately

WillaKissing · 56-60

@SomniumProeliator File a report with the internal affairs department of his police department! They have to investigate it fairly and within the bounds of the law!

SomniumProeliator · 31-35, F

@WillaKissing oh I learned something new today. Thank you for that!!

Reflection2 · 41-45, M

Lies always have a pattern of behavior. Move out even if it cost you some money or even more money.

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SomniumProeliator · 31-35, F

@Swede I do have a lock on my room and back around Christmas my dad helped me install a camera in the house so I’ve got those bases handled. Thank you for mentioning them though in case I hadn’t already done so I’d definitely jump on it with your wise words. And thankfully I do get notifications on my phone for it too.

Swede · 26-30, F

@SomniumProeliator I am glad your dad is being so supportive.

SomniumProeliator · 31-35, F

@Swede me too. He’s all I’ve got since my mom died years ago.

firefall · 61-69, M

Good luck with getting the divorce, this guy sounds like a real winner :(

ExperienceDLT · M

Then it's a good thing you are getting a divorce then you deserve better

PTCdresser57 · 61-69, M

Get a lawyer and get out...it will never be good for you with him

HypnoChode · 46-50, M

This sounds awful. Good luck to you!

bikelover · 51-55, M

Sorry you had to experience all that 😮

SW-User

Good gosh...... I’m so sorry

Tukudo · 41-45, M

When the shallow lifestyle continue then divorce continues as non stop...just think about the reality and be REAL before getting in to relationship. Divorce is not the solution. Once you get divorce then don't ever go for relationship.

Jammer6475 · 46-50, M

What an ass

SW-User

why can you not just leave him.. and worry about the divorce later

SomniumProeliator · 31-35, F

@SW-User he is already out of my house and sleeping elsewhere. I want the divorce done so I can fully be free of him.

SW-User

@SomniumProeliator ahhh I see, well good luck.. I thought that maybe he and you still lived together. you will get such a feel of relief once that paper is signed :) I know

melbeacher · 56-60, M

Divorces can bring out the absolute worst in people !!

mrbuddhawannabe · 56-60, M

Any updates?

SomniumProeliator · 31-35, F

I’ve been looking up divorce attorneys in my area and have a list ready for Tuesday. I’m going to get this done @mrbuddhawannabe

firefall · 61-69, M

@SomniumProeliator Good

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SomniumProeliator · 31-35, F

That really depends on the dynamic of yalls relationship. If it’s something your both ok with that’s one thing. @deleted000

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SomniumProeliator · 31-35, F

@SW-User I’m working on that being a permanent thing.

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SomniumProeliator · 31-35, F

No @SW-User

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