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I Have Been Emotionally Manipulated

I recently found out my husband has been cheating on me and it started after the first year milestone. He talked to her the same way he did me. He made me look and sound awful as a wife. Which is exactly how he portrayed his ex before me as well. He turned me into a person I wasn’t who was overly reliant and dependent on him whereas I’m usually very independent....

I know all this because the woman he cheated on me with reached out to me once she found out I existed. He claimed we were separated already when he first met her. How I emotionally abused him and all these awful things I never did. Mind you these are the same claims he told me about his other exes when we were first dating. It blew my mind! He would do and say all the exact same things. All the right things. To get in really good with his next target.

Looking back it makes me sick how easily I fell for his bullshit without looking into things. But I was young and stupid then. I should have known better.

One night it even got physical after I told him I’d been talking to her and how she helped expose him. He shoved me into the wall and I banged the back of my head from the force it left a bruise and swelled up. He then got in my face saying not to overreact and that he didn’t push me that hard. That’s the only time in my entire life I’ve truly been afraid of someone.

Now I find myself stuck. He’s been refusing to get divorced. He either claims he doesn’t have the money (which my dad said he would pay for it) or he doesn’t want to ruin my life or fill in the blank with an excuse here. It’s driving me crazy to still be legally attached to this horrible man that used me and does nothing but lie for his own advancement.

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Swede · 26-30, F

How come he became your husband with that attitudes? didn't you find about him when you were dating him? how long did you date him before marrying? at what age did you marry him? I strongly suggest anyone who intends to marry date at least 3 years. yeah 3 years is MUST. the first year is to explore the person, since 2nd year you will encounter problems, since 3rd year you are going to solve them, if it's not possible to solve then leave each other, if solved genuinely then that relationship lasts very long.

rckt148 · 61-69, M

@Swede I was with my first wife since I was 13 ..married her at 16 ,,we made it until our Moms got in the middle of our lives
Now I am 60 and she is 63 and we still love each other
even though she did hide my 3 girls from me 12 yrs
but she was not really hiding them ,she was hiding herself
We are close friends again ,spent all day Saturday together
and husband #4
We were together over 10 yrs and as we were getting divorced I found out I barely knew her at all
You know what people want you to know
I was with my sons Mom 15 yrs
the first 7 were great ,until she talked me into having a kid and they messed up her C section and got her hooked on pain meds ,,then the rest of it was hell
My second wife told a club full of people she was still on her honeymoon on our 6th anniversary
Before the 8th ,she left me disabled ,,her Mom helped her ruin me ,,,
I wouldn't put to much stock in that 3 yr rule

Swede · 26-30, F

@rckt148 I know, that's why I said AT LEAST.

SomniumProeliator · 31-35, F

@Swede he portrayed himself very differently in the beginning. It’s hard to describe. He was so helpful and kind and loving then. Again. Young and stupid. I was 23.

rckt148 · 61-69, M

@Swede I married my second wife 1 yr to the day of meeting her ,,she was the best thing thats ever happened to me
and though a doctor saying nothing was wrong with me and I was just a drug addict looking for drugs didn't help
I did more then my share of screwing up ,,she was an angel
If I could go back ,,I would treat her like the Queen she deserved to be treated like ,,spent a lot more time with her and less on the road or on a job ,,but I did pay our home off just in time for a divorce ,,,LOL
But I was a rock star that hung out with the rich and famous ,I thought I was the jewel ,,boy was I wrong on that one
I was so ashamed of losing her
I lived homeless with the bums before I would ask any of my friends for help
I could have been living on a yacht instead of a hobo camp
but I was just to ashamed tp face anyone and let them know I messed that up ,
Every one said she was to young ,,she was not the problem
I was ,,she was my 3rd long term relationship
I knew her better then all the rest ,,at one time we did talk about everything ,Her Dad treated me like I was his son
But when my health had me in a position I was unable to work
scared where I go from here ,,well it was my fault
But 3 yrs or 20 ,,she was all I could have ever wanted
It took me 10 yrs to get over her

Swede · 26-30, F

@SomniumProeliator the best way to judge someone is by how they treat random strangers. if he is a man then how he treats other men, particularly homeless men. if a guy treated them good, then most likely he treats everyone around him good too unless he was mistreated by them or if he hated them due to some personal reason.
so if you start dating again, take him to a homeless shelter to donate them something, then observe how he treats and behaves with them. sometimes they may not show their true self in front of you, so ask from homeless people how they were treated by him. that way you can have a good idea of his personality.

also talk with him about various random topics, and observe what he says about them, how he reacts to them. if he exhibits a violent behaviour for no reason, if he curses at them without any valid reason then most likely he has this violent side.