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I Care Too Much, That Is How I Get Hurt

And that is why I couldn't be successful in a customer service job. I cared too much about the customers' problems and felt badly when I couldn't fix them. When I told many of my customers that we weren't able to do what they were asking us to do (such as eliminate certain charges from their bills or shorten the amount of time it would take for their orders to arrive), and they sensed that I felt badly about it, they were like sharks that smelled blood in the water. Instead of showing me the same empathy that I was showing them, and understanding and appreciating the difficult position that they were putting me into, they would start screaming at me and telling me that I was being unhelpful and not doing my job. Then they would demand to speak to my supervisor and tell them what a horrible person I was. Some supervisors would understand that I was doing my job the best that I could and it wasn't my fault that these customers were going off on me, but some wouldn't. They would tell me that if I were doing my job right, the customers would accept what I was saying and wouldn't ask for a supervisor. Sometimes they would tell me that I didn't sound confident enough in what I was saying, and sometimes they would tell me that I wasn't showing enough empathy. It seemed like I just couldn't win. And then some supervisors would swoop in like the hero and give the customers everything that they wanted and make me look like the bad guy.

I can't tell you how glad I was to get out of that job. I had thought that my capacity for empathy would be an asset in that job, but it wasn't.

This has also been a problem in my personal life outside of work. I had a friend (or someone who I once considered a friend) who "borrowed" lots of money from me with no intention of ever paying it back. Of course, at the time, she promised me that she would pay it back. She said that her boyfriend was having car trouble and didn't have enough money to pay for repairs. I believed her and thought that she would pay me back, so I loaned her the money. Then, I found out later that that her boyfriend was doing cocaine and the money was going to support his habit. After a while, she told me that she wasn't going to pay me all the money back, just some of it. But she hasn't paid any of it back. I don't know if I'm more angry with her for taking advantage of me or myself for allowing her to take advantage of me.

But I still consider myself a kind, caring person. And the thing is, I don't really want to change that about myself. I'm just not as trusting as I used to be. I've learned, through bitter experience, that I can't make everyone happy and it's a big mistake to try. And sometimes people have real, legitimate needs that I can't take care of either. I have to protect myself and take care of myself first. I still want to help people, but I have to set limits. The tricky thing is knowing where to draw the line and tell people that there's nothing more that I can do for them. I have a book titled Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, which I have been meaning to read. I'm hoping that that will help me with this.

Does anyone else have trouble setting and maintaining personal boundaries with family, friends, and other people? How do you handle this?

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MyNameIsSeven

I used to have trouble setting boundaries, but now I've become so good at it that I automatically set them, in subtle ways, the first time I meet someone.

However, even if you set clear and realistic boundaries, some people still won't respect them, and will cross the line anyway.

My best advice would be to chalk up the money you lent that woman as a loss, but more importantly as a learning experience. Forgive, but never forget. There's a saying I've heard a lot about losing money on loans: "Well, it just cost me $__ to find out I can't trust that person." (If the amount was small, usually followed by, "Money well-spent!")

Any kind of customer service is difficult work sometimes. You get exposed to *everyone*, and find out that a lot of the general public are rather immature ássholes. And when the job is carried out over the phone, which affords the person on the other end a feeling of safety from repercussions, it's actually *terrible* work for someone who's empathatic. I'm glad you got out of it.

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RobertaS

I gave up on organized religion a long time ago. I saw too many flaws in the theory and the business model...not to mention the psychological baggage.
I'm a very spiritual person...but that's not the same as religious...not even close.

My life is simpler, less conflicting, and more rewarding now that I've ditched the encumbrance and manipulative dogma associated with most recognized religions of the world. If anything, I see religion as more of a divisive force in humanity, than that of a unifying and inclusive influence.

I'll end with that...Religion and belief systems are an entirely different topic...for another time, perhaps.

TeresaRudolph71 · 51-55, F

Thank you! I agree, self-awareness (including our awareness of what triggers us) is so important. I will keep working on it.

TeresaRudolph71 · 51-55, F

Very true. I hope that someday our society (including us) can turn that around. I would like to think that if I had kids, I would know how to teach them to treat both themselves and others with respect and kindness.

RobertaS

With the exception of your personal life details, your story and disposition very much echo that of my own. I'm very serious.Without getting into a long drawn out expose and essay type answer, I'll tell you that I have worked in service type industries for the majority of my life. Having spent 12 years as a flight attendant for a major international airline, I had to verrrrry quickly learn about boundaries...both personal and professional. Still, though, despite a successful and rewarding career, and superb training and special workshops associated with the position, I continue to struggle occasionally with personal boundaries...though I believe that professional lines in the sand remain much more difficult to navigate given the ebb and flow of the various personalities one must handle effectively while trying to balance corporate objectives and targets. It's not nearly a win/win situation for empaths like us :-(How do I handle the maintenance of personal boundaries with family, friends and other people? Sometimes with all the grace of royalty...other times like a street smart angry young gangsta...not at all how I prefer to deal with the process of constantly reminding certain individuals to stay out of my emotional space. I guess, overall, I deal with each person individually and as the situation dictates...Whatever it takes, is my motto, in order maintain my own sanity around certain people.

TeresaRudolph71 · 51-55, F

It sounds like you've had to deal with some interesting people in your jobs too, so you know what a challenge that can be. But it also sounds like you've learned a lot and have come a long way. I wish that I had had better training when I started my customer service job. But I'm sure that even if I had had the best training in the world, it still would have been quite difficult for me.

I have learned a few things about how to maintain personal boundaries, but I still find myself struggling. It sounds like you're probably way ahead of me on that. I still find myself caving in to people's demands when I know I shouldn't. But then, sometimes I catch myself and say, "Wait a minute, no, I can't/don't want to/better not do that." People are often surprised at me when I say no or call them out on their pushy or arrogant behavior, because it's not what they've come to expect of me. But I think they're finally starting to learn that I have the right to personal boundaries too. I'm a work in progress. But from what you've just told me, I think I could probably learn a lot from you.

By the way, my next older sister was also a flight attendant, until she became pregnant with her oldest daughter. She had some interesting stories to tell about some of the characters she met on the plane.

RobertaS

I'm still a work in progress...We all are...every single one of us who roams the planet.

RobertaS

I'll bet your sister and I could exchange stories and experiences for longer than our respective careers combined. :-)

shyler23

Have you ever heard of Highly Sensitive People or HSP? I can relate to everything you said and more... One day I was tired of feeling so much and being exhausted all the time and wanted to figure out why I couldn't just say no or stop feeling so much. I came across a test to see if I might be a HSP and when I could say yes to most of the answers I researched and read all I could on it & it changed my life! I was finally able to understand why I felt the way I did and how to control certain things. I joined a group with others that are highly sensitive and because they are very empathetic and feel the same way I do and can relate its been a great support system. It's the nicest group of people who understand and it's common for people to take advantage of us and why they do. The more I learned the happier I became and learned how to embrace the gift I was given and how to make it work for me. I'm more assertive and yet can finally maintain boundaries so that I'm not being used or feel exhausted mentally & physically by the demands & feelings of others. 20% of people are highly sensitive and most don't even know they have been given a gift rather than a curse. They've no idea how important they are in this world! Hope this will help you and message me anytime if you have any questions. ?

TeresaRudolph71 · 51-55, F

Thank you for that information. I'll have to look into that sometime. I think I am most sensitive than most other people. In fact, I know I am. I just took a test on the internet to see if I am a HSP. It said that if I answered 14 of the questions as true of myself, I am an HSP. I answered 18 of them as true. So I am. And it sounds like a great group of people. How did you find them?

Many years ago, I worked at the downtown library, and I remember seeing a book there about Highly Sensitive People. I wanted to read it, but I never got around to it. But sometime I want to. And it would be nice to talk with some other people who can relate to me.

RobertaS

There's also a clear difference between Highly Sensitive People and empaths...though a lot of the general population don't distinguish the subtleties and could probably care less.

The label itself doesn't matter, anyway. What matters is that you recognize your strengths, natural abilities, talents, gift(s), whatever your preference for terminology, and put them to use for the benefit of yourself and those around you, with a view to contributing and continuing to make this world a better place.

RobertaS

Those internet tests are often skewed so that we can all relate to most of the categories or questions to varying degrees. I find that a lot of the answers offered as part of the multiple choice options, while generally applicable, aren't actually what I'd call accurate.
Your mileage may vary of course. But, I don't typically rely scientifically, or clinically, on most of what's available on the internet as self-assessment tools.

Longlegs2014

Caring and empathy are HUGE! I understand, but don't agree with "I can't make everyone happy and it's a big mistake to try." You already said the answer " The tricky thing is knowing where to draw the line and tell people that there's nothing more that I can do for them."

In your customer service experience, was expressing empathy and concern. The hard part is sensing when it's about to go south and you need to draw the the line -- 'I understand, but.... '

Sadly there are those who will try to take advantage of you. They may even seem to be friends. As the old phrase goes - Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...

Don't give up on being a kind, caring, compassionate person. But that doesn't mean put a target on yourself either.

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TeresaRudolph71 · 51-55, F

Good for you. In the end, you had to be true to yourself, and you were. I hope you have since found a job that is a better fit. If you haven't, I hope you do soon. I will continue the search for the right job for me. Of course, I realize that what may be the right job at one point in my life may not be the right job for me at another time, so I may, at some time in the future, have to change jobs again. We'll see what happens.

RobertaS

Hang in there, friend. This experience is probably so much more common than people are sharing here. Good luck to you, too. I appreciate your kindness and empathy.

TeresaRudolph71 · 51-55, F

Thank you. All the best to you as well. :)

047Ronin

I'm a sensitive guy. You don't get that by looking at me. You need to take the time to get to know me. That doesn't happen much. But I try to help anyone I can. Sometimes someone will appreciate it. Most of the time. I get taken advantage of. But one thing that won't happen. I won't change who I am. Not anymore. I did that for my ex. To be what she told me to be. What did it get me? Lies, cheating, and abuse! Now I have a beautiful Princess in my life that takes me just as I am. No changes required.

TeresaRudolph71 · 51-55, F

Good for you! I think if you can surround yourself with the right people, that can make a big difference. Of course, there might be times when we have to deal with difficult people. But having people who love and support us as we are helps so much.

047Ronin

It's funny. I'm over fifty and I am just now discovering that very thing.

pearllederman

maybe you should get another kind of job then

TeresaRudolph71 · 51-55, F

I did, but then I lost that job. So now I'm looking for a new job. Just not in customer service.

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