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I Care Too Much, That Is How I Get Hurt

And that is why I couldn't be successful in a customer service job. I cared too much about the customers' problems and felt badly when I couldn't fix them. When I told many of my customers that we weren't able to do what they were asking us to do (such as eliminate certain charges from their bills or shorten the amount of time it would take for their orders to arrive), and they sensed that I felt badly about it, they were like sharks that smelled blood in the water. Instead of showing me the same empathy that I was showing them, and understanding and appreciating the difficult position that they were putting me into, they would start screaming at me and telling me that I was being unhelpful and not doing my job. Then they would demand to speak to my supervisor and tell them what a horrible person I was. Some supervisors would understand that I was doing my job the best that I could and it wasn't my fault that these customers were going off on me, but some wouldn't. They would tell me that if I were doing my job right, the customers would accept what I was saying and wouldn't ask for a supervisor. Sometimes they would tell me that I didn't sound confident enough in what I was saying, and sometimes they would tell me that I wasn't showing enough empathy. It seemed like I just couldn't win. And then some supervisors would swoop in like the hero and give the customers everything that they wanted and make me look like the bad guy.

I can't tell you how glad I was to get out of that job. I had thought that my capacity for empathy would be an asset in that job, but it wasn't.

This has also been a problem in my personal life outside of work. I had a friend (or someone who I once considered a friend) who "borrowed" lots of money from me with no intention of ever paying it back. Of course, at the time, she promised me that she would pay it back. She said that her boyfriend was having car trouble and didn't have enough money to pay for repairs. I believed her and thought that she would pay me back, so I loaned her the money. Then, I found out later that that her boyfriend was doing cocaine and the money was going to support his habit. After a while, she told me that she wasn't going to pay me all the money back, just some of it. But she hasn't paid any of it back. I don't know if I'm more angry with her for taking advantage of me or myself for allowing her to take advantage of me.

But I still consider myself a kind, caring person. And the thing is, I don't really want to change that about myself. I'm just not as trusting as I used to be. I've learned, through bitter experience, that I can't make everyone happy and it's a big mistake to try. And sometimes people have real, legitimate needs that I can't take care of either. I have to protect myself and take care of myself first. I still want to help people, but I have to set limits. The tricky thing is knowing where to draw the line and tell people that there's nothing more that I can do for them. I have a book titled Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, which I have been meaning to read. I'm hoping that that will help me with this.

Does anyone else have trouble setting and maintaining personal boundaries with family, friends, and other people? How do you handle this?

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Longlegs2014

Caring and empathy are HUGE! I understand, but don't agree with "I can't make everyone happy and it's a big mistake to try." You already said the answer " The tricky thing is knowing where to draw the line and tell people that there's nothing more that I can do for them."

In your customer service experience, was expressing empathy and concern. The hard part is sensing when it's about to go south and you need to draw the the line -- 'I understand, but.... '

Sadly there are those who will try to take advantage of you. They may even seem to be friends. As the old phrase goes - Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...

Don't give up on being a kind, caring, compassionate person. But that doesn't mean put a target on yourself either.

TeresaRudolph71 · 51-55, F

Thanks. I am working on knowing where to draw the line and not make a target of myself, without changing who I am. And I do try to make people happy, up to a point, as long as it doesn't hurt me.

Longlegs2014

There you go! :-)

RobertaS

What you've just spoken to are "skills". Skills take time to develop, and let's face, even when we are very experienced in a specific job or skill set, there are days when we "emotionally" just don't have it.
It's not a bad thing to quit a job, or change careers and directions entirely. It's a growth thing...not easy at all, sometimes...but in the larger scheme of things, and the longer road in life, it will all make sense, eventually.
The trick is to always stay in touch with ones self...and always honour your heart's desire, if at all possible. To do less, would be inauthentic to yourself and ultimately a disservice.

RobertaS

You don't need to change. You only need to be better to yourself by taking care of your heart. (first, if necessary, despite our natural inclination to put others first)

TeresaRudolph71 · 51-55, F

Yes, some days are better than others, though I'd like to think I'm learning.

I am still working on finding the right job. I thought that I had found the perfect job for me when I left that customer service job, but the training was so fast-paced that I couldn't keep up. But there has to be a place for me somewhere. I sometimes wish that I could just know, right off the bat, what the right job for me is and go with it. But I suppose that if I had found the best possible job for me right away and hadn't had to go through what I've been through, I may not have learned all that I've learned along the way. So in the meantime, while I continue my search, I just keep learning all I can.

Thanks for the encouragement.

RobertaS

I, too, thought I had found the perfect job when I became a flight attendant. I loved the flexible work schedule and the constant challenges and stimulation of working with different crew members, and enjoyed the dynamic of all the mixed chemistry on board almost every different flight I worked. It was great for quite a while, to say nothing of the worldly education I was experiencing, and getting paid for it! :-)

But over time (and not very long) my personal needs had somehow changed...After about a decade or so, I felt unfulfilled and unappreciated for the most part, by passengers and airline management alike despite my many commendation letters and other "rewards" from the company. I needed more, but I didn't quite know what. (and I'm not referring to remuneration) I felt empty inside, and lacking purpose...deeper meaning for my life. My "dream job" seemed to be little more than a means to an end for me. I wasn't being fed emotionally through it anymore. That, was a bitter realization on my part.

I didn't know what to do. I talked to friends, colleagues, professionals about my crisis but most we unable to fully grasp the depths of my despair and aversion to want to work my flights. The company, at first, was really supportive. They even offered me a quasi-management special assignment on the ground to see if that might be an option for me. They didn't want to lose me as an employee. While that felt nice and fuzzy and all, it wasn't the answer.

After much consideration of options at my disposal, I initially took a paid medical leave of absence for a time...I found a few answers but not enough to allow me to want to continue in my chosen and once cherished career. I returned briefly to flight duty but soon needed to leave again due to the same feelings I had previously been experiencing...They never really went away despite my best efforts to "fool myself" into believing I was OK and that this, too, shall pass.

After much emotional difficulty and soul-searching, I opted to take an unpaid personal leave of absence for a period of 6 months, in one last ditch effort to find some real answers. What I found, at the end of the day, was that I felt a LOT healthier and focused the longer I stayed away from flight duty. Not the answer I had hoped for, but I couldn't deny what was still staring me right in the face. Long story shorter...I opted for a voluntary severance package and a letter of recommendation for any future employer.

TeresaRudolph71 · 51-55, F

Good for you. In the end, you had to be true to yourself, and you were. I hope you have since found a job that is a better fit. If you haven't, I hope you do soon. I will continue the search for the right job for me. Of course, I realize that what may be the right job at one point in my life may not be the right job for me at another time, so I may, at some time in the future, have to change jobs again. We'll see what happens.

RobertaS

Hang in there, friend. This experience is probably so much more common than people are sharing here. Good luck to you, too. I appreciate your kindness and empathy.

TeresaRudolph71 · 51-55, F

Thank you. All the best to you as well. :)