I Care Too Much, That Is How I Get Hurt

And that is why I couldn't be successful in a customer service job. I cared too much about the customers' problems and felt badly when I couldn't fix them. When I told many of my customers that we weren't able to do what they were asking us to do (such as eliminate certain charges from their bills or shorten the amount of time it would take for their orders to arrive), and they sensed that I felt badly about it, they were like sharks that smelled blood in the water. Instead of showing me the same empathy that I was showing them, and understanding and appreciating the difficult position that they were putting me into, they would start screaming at me and telling me that I was being unhelpful and not doing my job. Then they would demand to speak to my supervisor and tell them what a horrible person I was. Some supervisors would understand that I was doing my job the best that I could and it wasn't my fault that these customers were going off on me, but some wouldn't. They would tell me that if I were doing my job right, the customers would accept what I was saying and wouldn't ask for a supervisor. Sometimes they would tell me that I didn't sound confident enough in what I was saying, and sometimes they would tell me that I wasn't showing enough empathy. It seemed like I just couldn't win. And then some supervisors would swoop in like the hero and give the customers everything that they wanted and make me look like the bad guy.


I can't tell you how glad I was to get out of that job. I had thought that my capacity for empathy would be an asset in that job, but it wasn't.


This has also been a problem in my personal life outside of work. I had a friend (or someone who I once considered a friend) who "borrowed" lots of money from me with no intention of ever paying it back. Of course, at the time, she promised me that she would pay it back. She said that her boyfriend was having car trouble and didn't have enough money to pay for repairs. I believed her and thought that she would pay me back, so I loaned her the money. Then, I found out later that that her boyfriend was doing cocaine and the money was going to support his habit. After a while, she told me that she wasn't going to pay me all the money back, just some of it. But she hasn't paid any of it back. I don't know if I'm more angry with her for taking advantage of me or myself for allowing her to take advantage of me.


But I still consider myself a kind, caring person. And the thing is, I don't really want to change that about myself. I'm just not as trusting as I used to be. I've learned, through bitter experience, that I can't make everyone happy and it's a big mistake to try. And sometimes people have real, legitimate needs that I can't take care of either. I have to protect myself and take care of myself first. I still want to help people, but I have to set limits. The tricky thing is knowing where to draw the line and tell people that there's nothing more that I can do for them. I have a book titled Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, which I have been meaning to read. I'm hoping that that will help me with this.


Does anyone else have trouble setting and maintaining personal boundaries with family, friends, and other people? How do you handle this?