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I Care Too Much, That Is How I Get Hurt

And that is why I couldn't be successful in a customer service job. I cared too much about the customers' problems and felt badly when I couldn't fix them. When I told many of my customers that we weren't able to do what they were asking us to do (such as eliminate certain charges from their bills or shorten the amount of time it would take for their orders to arrive), and they sensed that I felt badly about it, they were like sharks that smelled blood in the water. Instead of showing me the same empathy that I was showing them, and understanding and appreciating the difficult position that they were putting me into, they would start screaming at me and telling me that I was being unhelpful and not doing my job. Then they would demand to speak to my supervisor and tell them what a horrible person I was. Some supervisors would understand that I was doing my job the best that I could and it wasn't my fault that these customers were going off on me, but some wouldn't. They would tell me that if I were doing my job right, the customers would accept what I was saying and wouldn't ask for a supervisor. Sometimes they would tell me that I didn't sound confident enough in what I was saying, and sometimes they would tell me that I wasn't showing enough empathy. It seemed like I just couldn't win. And then some supervisors would swoop in like the hero and give the customers everything that they wanted and make me look like the bad guy.

I can't tell you how glad I was to get out of that job. I had thought that my capacity for empathy would be an asset in that job, but it wasn't.

This has also been a problem in my personal life outside of work. I had a friend (or someone who I once considered a friend) who "borrowed" lots of money from me with no intention of ever paying it back. Of course, at the time, she promised me that she would pay it back. She said that her boyfriend was having car trouble and didn't have enough money to pay for repairs. I believed her and thought that she would pay me back, so I loaned her the money. Then, I found out later that that her boyfriend was doing cocaine and the money was going to support his habit. After a while, she told me that she wasn't going to pay me all the money back, just some of it. But she hasn't paid any of it back. I don't know if I'm more angry with her for taking advantage of me or myself for allowing her to take advantage of me.

But I still consider myself a kind, caring person. And the thing is, I don't really want to change that about myself. I'm just not as trusting as I used to be. I've learned, through bitter experience, that I can't make everyone happy and it's a big mistake to try. And sometimes people have real, legitimate needs that I can't take care of either. I have to protect myself and take care of myself first. I still want to help people, but I have to set limits. The tricky thing is knowing where to draw the line and tell people that there's nothing more that I can do for them. I have a book titled Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, which I have been meaning to read. I'm hoping that that will help me with this.

Does anyone else have trouble setting and maintaining personal boundaries with family, friends, and other people? How do you handle this?

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MyNameIsSeven

I used to have trouble setting boundaries, but now I've become so good at it that I automatically set them, in subtle ways, the first time I meet someone.

However, even if you set clear and realistic boundaries, some people still won't respect them, and will cross the line anyway.

My best advice would be to chalk up the money you lent that woman as a loss, but more importantly as a learning experience. Forgive, but never forget. There's a saying I've heard a lot about losing money on loans: "Well, it just cost me $__ to find out I can't trust that person." (If the amount was small, usually followed by, "Money well-spent!")

Any kind of customer service is difficult work sometimes. You get exposed to *everyone*, and find out that a lot of the general public are rather immature ássholes. And when the job is carried out over the phone, which affords the person on the other end a feeling of safety from repercussions, it's actually *terrible* work for someone who's empathatic. I'm glad you got out of it.

TeresaRudolph71 · 51-55, F

I'm really glad that I got out of that job too. I know that if I keep looking long enough, I'll find something that's a better fit for me. Yes, many of the people I talked with on the phone were immature jerks.

I have chalked up that money that I loaned her as a loss. I know that I'll never see it again (unless I were to steal it back, but I doubt that I would ever have the opportunity to do that). Unfortunately it was a rather large amount: $272. So it was a rather expensive lesson. The good thing about that was that I could write her off for good. She had guilt-tripped me into doing so many things for her before that happened that her "friendship" had become a burden rather than a blessing. She was probably one of the most emotionally needy people I've ever known, and she had a way of making it seem like she was going to die if I didn't do whatever she wanted me to do for her. But once she made it clear that she wasn't paying me back the money she owed me, she wasn't able to lay any more guilt trips on me anymore, and she knew it. So she finally left me alone. What a relief.

I still need to work on setting clearer personal boundaries. My biggest problem with that is that people often make me feel guilty about it. Of course, I realize that no one can make me feel guilty without me consenting to it in some way. But I still do. And then I get angry with them for making me feel guilty. I really do need to get more control over the way I feel when someone is trying to lay a guilt trip on me.

MyNameIsSeven

Don't be too hard on yourself. Susceptibility to guilt is something that *all* us Americans inherit (via the British) as part of the background-hum of our culture. Thanks again, religion! :P

TeresaRudolph71 · 51-55, F

In my case, I would have to say thanks to my mom (if I were to be brutally honest). When I was growing up, that girl lived next door to us, with her mom and grandparents, and she always had a hard time making friends. So my mom felt very sorry for her and seemed to think that it was my job to always be her friend and be there for her, no matter what. I had tried to end my "friendship" with her many times before, only to have my mom guilt-trip me into taking her back again. But even my mom has realized now that she isn't my friend and doesn't know the meaning of the word. Of course, that doesn't explain why my mom felt so responsible for her. Maybe religion did have something to do with that.

MyNameIsSeven

For sure. And even without your mom's influence, you'd still have grown up overly susceptible to guilt, like the rest of us did. As I said, it's just part of our culture -- nothing that needs to be said or pushed overtly, because it's *assumed*, it's part of the foundation of everything we believe, collectively.

What do you suppose is the psychological impact of believing that we are all inherently, intrinsically, such bad human beings that we *deserve* eternal punishment by default? (The "born sinners" concept.)

Christianity has influenced law, politics, and society for centuries. Heck, if you follow Anglo culture back to medieval times, the Church WAS the government!

TeresaRudolph71 · 51-55, F

I'm sure that I still would have grown up with a sense of guilt even without my mom (though not as much) because the teachers I had also taught this to us, and our pastor believed this also. The first two teachers I had were nuns, and they were very strict. And one of them definitely seemed to think that we were bad kids.

I think that the psychological impact of the concept of original sin (which is what we're talking about) is that people feel that they have to constantly earn redemption and salvation by doing good works and trying to help people all the time. I think that in some ways, this can have a positive impact on society, but I suppose that psychologically this isn't so good. If you start out at 100% (believing that we start out as good people), we just have to maintain that goodness. And we are more likely to see others as good also. But if we start at 0% (believing that we start out as bad people), we have our work cut out for us. And a lot of people may just give up and decide that they'll never be good and deserving of eternal salvation. In fact, I think a lot of people do give up on trying to be good and worthy of eternal life.

I could talk about what I believe to be the origins of this belief, but that's a whole different question altogether.

RobertaS

Good answer. Solid logic there, combined with a philosophical and realistic approach. This line more than resonates with me:

"You get exposed to *everyone*, and find out that a lot of the general public are rather immature ássholes."

That, in itself is a tragedy...a tragedy that society just doesn't bring its children (we are of that family, too) up as it should. We do a disservice to one another by not explaining or teaching each other how to treat one another properly, and with kindness.

RobertaS

You're doing very well, actually. Most people never even get to the point of understanding their triggers and how their own minds work...rarely a moment of introspection for the vast majority out there, it seems :-(

Keep on your present path. You are already one of the enlightened few. You'll learn very easily how to ditch the whole guilt thing...now you're aware of how it works in your life. You only need to be congnizant and be in the moment with yourself to be effective at guarding against it. You're winning...Keep it up :-)

RobertaS

Well stated.

RobertaS

I gave up on organized religion a long time ago. I saw too many flaws in the theory and the business model...not to mention the psychological baggage.
I'm a very spiritual person...but that's not the same as religious...not even close.

My life is simpler, less conflicting, and more rewarding now that I've ditched the encumbrance and manipulative dogma associated with most recognized religions of the world. If anything, I see religion as more of a divisive force in humanity, than that of a unifying and inclusive influence.

I'll end with that...Religion and belief systems are an entirely different topic...for another time, perhaps.

TeresaRudolph71 · 51-55, F

Thank you! I agree, self-awareness (including our awareness of what triggers us) is so important. I will keep working on it.

TeresaRudolph71 · 51-55, F

Very true. I hope that someday our society (including us) can turn that around. I would like to think that if I had kids, I would know how to teach them to treat both themselves and others with respect and kindness.