I Am Lost and Confused and Devastated

Llonesurvivor, I can't relate to leaving everything you had for this guy but, and it's a big but, I can understand that you don't trust your own judgement now. And I tell you this is where 'm stuck, totally stuck for so so long, that I too believed every single word out of this guy who dumped me after 9 years while I spent the last year with him "working on the relationship" trying so darn hard to change my responses, not to react the ways i did with him when he got abusive and he denied ever being abusive but I was the crazy one because I got angry at his abuse. He called it, "my episodes". Like out of the blue I had these episodes and it had nothing to do with him. Unbelievable. I blamed myself and wondered if he actually did anything wrong. that's how brainwashed he made me. It wasn't until I had some friends and a good therapist for a short time who said he';s hurting you. Stop trying to fix him. And a friend who said she would've slapped him for saying what he did to me and another friend who said she would've ended the friendship right then and there. but, i was hooked. In fact this was the first guy in my entire life I loved, truly loved. He had a personality change or rather I didn't see the other side of his personality. I saw the charming nice guy and then he changed into some other person I didn't recognize. i didn't know who he was anymore or what I should do. I couldn't leave. I tried every thing in the book to leave and he was an exact, and I mean an exact replica of my family both the good and the bad and the good was so much better than my family of origins. . If God didn't put him in my life to teach me that I had stuff to still work on from my original family I don't know what else it was. I still yearn for that good guy who is no longer and probably never was and it's so hard when one is fooled and one believes the lies. That is the hardest part in all this I believe. The loss of the 'nice guy' is so difficult but actually believing a person who is lying so often does make one not trust their own judgement. He was a pro at lying, a true pro and no doubt the same goes for your guy. And you know most anyone would believe these people are genuine. Most anyone.My friends all thought the therapists were wrong since they met him and liked him. Look at serial killers. "Oh, he was so nice, so quiet, so polite. I can't believe it." It's such a strange phenomenon and is so confusing and makes one feel nuts.I'm so sorry you went through this terrible ordeal and obviously you're not alone. You've got lots of support on E.P. which is one of the best things that happened for me. I wish you well in your recovery from this horrid episode in your life. Velvetflow

Hello again Penny, I just read your retort to a fellow e.p.er. Wow! I think that's terrific that you actually were able to move on and learn to trust again. I can'[t fathom ever trusting again after my experience. Yet, this person was on the top of the heap, so to speak, a whole series of men throughout my life where it started out nice and ended up in hell. I've picked them all right and this has brought me back to therapy to see that I still have work to do to clean up my past. May I ask you how you were able to learn to trust again after a bad marriage and then the ordeal you went through with the e.p. guy? Obviously you did forgive yourself and learned not to carry the blame and were able to start a new. I have no idea how to go about doing this. I'm still holding on emotionally to this troubled man because unfortunately for five years he gave me the best treatment I ever had in my entire life and that's sad I know, sad in that I was treated so shabbily by so many men, who all had some degree of psychosis. . My history for me is so horrific that I've only told one person about it, a former therapist and though I was in therapy with her for around 8 years , it's only on the telephone talking to her answering machine that I have the guts to talk about it. She listens and calls to give me feedback. She had to give up her practice due to failing health. That's how bad it was for me and also how much I've blocked out for so much of my life. If you care to share how you learned to trust again I'd really appreciate it. Thanks so much and wow you've been through a heavy journey. Velvetflow

Thank you...in fact, I have forgiven myself. As I said before, no one knows all the things that contribute to the failure of a marriage, except the two people in it. There were many mistakes on both sides. Yes...I WAS the one who cheated...but there are other forms of betrayal besides cheating. I have moved on, now, am divorcing the husband I reference in this story....written about nine months ago...and am currently engaged to a fellow EPeep, Tigerzback. We met here over a year ago, long before this unfortunate story I relate to you here. Did I make a mistake in judgment in whom I chose? Yes..I undoubtedly did...and many would say it was my just desserts.....but I did not make a mistake in leaving the marriage. It was dead and over long ago. My method may have been flawed, but I do not regret for one minute looking for happiness.....life is too short.

Penny

Penny, I'm not judging you nor am I taking anything out of context. You were married when you began an affair with another man, thus you cheated on your husband. The man you cheated with turned out to be a cheat as well. You have an opportunity to save a lot of people the grief you have endured. I believe it is not only wrong to try and justify your mistakes, but also, you have an obligation to others to share your tale of woe so that they might learn from your admitted mistakes. We live in a world where consequence isn't stressed.

Penny, what you did is no worse than things I have done in my life, things I, too, have paid dearly for... So, no, I am not judging you. I applaud you for having the courage to speak up about your situation and I hope you will forgive yourself.

what a rat.....sorry i know everyone else is saying nice things and showing their support and i am too but this man does sound like a rat. You my dear deserve better and although it doesnt feel like it right now you can and will move on. When we take chances on love it is just that! but like they say it is better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all.
I do hope you feel better soon and can move on and upwards with your life. Your a great person penny and you deserve to be treated with respect and admiration.

June...thank you so much!!!!! My EP friends mean everything to me!!
AP......I know that not all men are like this...the worst thing he did was take my confidence in my own judgement....
LittleLena...thanks , sweety...I hope things turn out well for you...
c8lorraine....obviously!!!!
thehippy.....you probably know more about this than most...thank you soooo much for being the true friend you are to me!! Love you, chickie!!!

Penny WEBB

Thanks so much for your comment, TravelMan....I appeciate a man's opinion on the matter...I still fail to see how he could possibly justify this in his mind..and to others. Allenw does not figure into my life in any way, shape , form or fashion anymore. I pray for the day when he'll only be a very evil dream.........

Indeed..I did. I take full responsibility for my actions. If only more people would do the same. It might serve you well to remember that there are circumstances of which you are not aware....and you might consider tempering your judgment with a little understanding and mercy.

Penny

fungirlmmm..thanks for the sympathy..I really appreciate it!!
ShadowofDoubt.....I know that I have good friends here, I'm counting on it....and thanks for the words of encouragement...

Cyincal1.....WOW!!!! You really have talent!!!!!!

Penny WEBB

Holy Moley!!! Thats pretty crazy. I'm so there with you.

Peering into souls
past mystical smoke
and aromatic steam
that tattered essence
which is my
soul
reaches out to you
safety in words
reflecting your own pain
let us heal
together.

Masterzune...thanks , I appreciate the sympathy..
SeriouslySappy...it is comforting to know that I have the support of my EP friends, it's the only place I tell all. No one else knows of Bruce's treachery.

Penny WEBB

Thanks for the empathy and good wishes..I certainly need them!! So glad to hear that you're doing well again...an amazing accomplishment in my book..I don't even know who I am anymore, much less how to go about getting back to me....

I don't know you Penny but I'm so sorry you had this experience. I know it's not much comfort right now, but I'm sure you'll find lots of support here.

my heart goes out to u as well im really sorry some has done this to u...
agree with the rest of them are some really good people on ep who will be there for u...

(hugs)

So sorry to hear what's happening to you. You'll get through this, there are wonderful people surrounding you and wishing you all the best! {{HUGS}}

Better to know now honey, then later. OMG I am so sorry sugar. I wish there was something I could do to make it all better. : ( Love you Penny. xXx

I don't know you well penny but my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry that this happened to you. ((a huge hug for you))

Thank you, DreamHaven...you are always so good to me...I'll really need you now.....

Penny WEBB

you left your family ? for some online jerk......

Sounds like the cheater got cheated...

Thank you for your kind offer.....

We're all here for you Penny. Hugs.