I Am Lost and Confused and Devastated

Llonesurvivor, I can't relate to leaving everything you had for this guy but, and it's a big but, I can understand that you don't trust your own judgement now. And I tell you this is where 'm stuck, totally stuck for so so long, that I too believed every single word out of this guy who dumped me after 9 years while I spent the last year with him "working on the relationship" trying so darn hard to change my responses, not to react the ways i did with him when he got abusive and he denied ever being abusive but I was the crazy one because I got angry at his abuse. He called it, "my episodes". Like out of the blue I had these episodes and it had nothing to do with him. Unbelievable. I blamed myself and wondered if he actually did anything wrong. that's how brainwashed he made me. It wasn't until I had some friends and a good therapist for a short time who said he';s hurting you. Stop trying to fix him. And a friend who said she would've slapped him for saying what he did to me and another friend who said she would've ended the friendship right then and there. but, i was hooked. In fact this was the first guy in my entire life I loved, truly loved. He had a personality change or rather I didn't see the other side of his personality. I saw the charming nice guy and then he changed into some other person I didn't recognize. i didn't know who he was anymore or what I should do. I couldn't leave. I tried every thing in the book to leave and he was an exact, and I mean an exact replica of my family both the good and the bad and the good was so much better than my family of origins. . If God didn't put him in my life to teach me that I had stuff to still work on from my original family I don't know what else it was. I still yearn for that good guy who is no longer and probably never was and it's so hard when one is fooled and one believes the lies. That is the hardest part in all this I believe. The loss of the 'nice guy' is so difficult but actually believing a person who is lying so often does make one not trust their own judgement. He was a pro at lying, a true pro and no doubt the same goes for your guy. And you know most anyone would believe these people are genuine. Most anyone.My friends all thought the therapists were wrong since they met him and liked him. Look at serial killers. "Oh, he was so nice, so quiet, so polite. I can't believe it." It's such a strange phenomenon and is so confusing and makes one feel nuts.I'm so sorry you went through this terrible ordeal and obviously you're not alone. You've got lots of support on E.P. which is one of the best things that happened for me. I wish you well in your recovery from this horrid episode in your life. Velvetflow