I Am Lost and Confused and Devastated

My Story...........
[b]Hell, almost everyone here knows my story..it's been all over EP...but for those who don't know, I met and fell in love with a friend on EP. I fell so deeply in love with this man, I left my 20 year marriage, I left my mom and dad when he was having bypass surgery, I left my kids (all grown), I left my job, I left everything I knew. And he did nothing but lie...about everything.....everything. I forgave his lies...he was sooooo thankful!! [/b][b]He told me every day how gorgeous I was, but never wanted to make love to me. The promise that he could support me was a complete fabrication, he complained all the time that we had no money, although I saw the checkbook , and knew what was there. That's the whole reason I left..so that he could afford to get the meds he needed, and pay his bills. Since I've been here, he has continually broken his word to me, ignored me, disappeared on me..all the while insisting he loves me..and still says so...HA! Today he says he has a love interest....well, of course he does..I've been gone two whole weeks!!! He's returning to the life he had before he met me, and my life will never be the same.....[/b]

[b]Penny WEBB

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velvetflow

Hello again Penny, I just read your retort to a fellow e.p.er. Wow! I think that's terrific that you actually were able to move on and learn to trust again. I can'[t fathom ever trusting again after my experience. Yet, this person was on the top of the heap, so to speak, a whole series of men throughout my life where it started out nice and ended up in hell. I've picked them all right and this has brought me back to therapy to see that I still have work to do to clean up my past. May I ask you how you were able to learn to trust again after a bad marriage and then the ordeal you went through with the e.p. guy? Obviously you did forgive yourself and learned not to carry the blame and were able to start a new. I have no idea how to go about doing this. I'm still holding on emotionally to this troubled man because unfortunately for five years he gave me the best treatment I ever had in my entire life and that's sad I know, sad in that I was treated so shabbily by so many men, who all had some degree of psychosis. . My history for me is so horrific that I've only told one person about it, a former therapist and though I was in therapy with her for around 8 years , it's only on the telephone talking to her answering machine that I have the guts to talk about it. She listens and calls to give me feedback. She had to give up her practice due to failing health. That's how bad it was for me and also how much I've blocked out for so much of my life. If you care to share how you learned to trust again I'd really appreciate it. Thanks so much and wow you've been through a heavy journey. Velvetflow

Lonesurvivor · 61-69, F

Velvet...thank you so much for your thoughtful comment...I'm sorry for your worries! How did I start trusting again? Oh, boy...that is probably a VERY loaded question. The next time I fell in love, it was with another fellow EPEEP. This time, I spent lots of time investigating things he told me. He was a stable thrice decorated military veteran. At that time, and currently, he was/is a software quality engineer, and has a very good career. Steady, honest, trustworthy, and totally in love with me. To make an extremely long story short(er), all my diligence only netted me the same results. It turns out, I was getting involved with a man with severe psychological problems...problems of which he, himself, was unaware. I have been with this man for almost two years...and although the psychological problems are much better now with a change in medication, the damage they caused left irreparable damage. I know in my head that the things that happened were "caused" by the medication problems...but that knowledge does little to assuage my suspicion when it seems that old patterns are forming. Before this current relationship, I probably would've given you cheery, romantic advice about just taking a leap of faith. Now? I have no idea if I'll EVER fully trust anyone ever again. What makes the difference to me now? I would have to say "self knowledge". What I can live with....and what I can't. My options are finite, and my senses/judgment compromised by the sheer lunacy of the preceding two years. What I CAN do...ALL I can do....is to take care of me. I believe what can be proven....I am honest with my husband about my suspicions and my sensitivity to real and perceived slights. I do the best I can do every single day to be as happy as I possibly can be, and to try to be more of a blessing to those with whom I come in contact, than a burden. It's old...it's trite....but....one day at a time. It's all anyone can really do, after all.

I wish you much good fortune in your search for fulfillment!!

Penny
xo