I Am a Mess

And on a different note: if it's simply depression that lead you to be this way (I don't know your life story), then doing the exact opposite of what's in your "comfort zone" will pull you out of it eventually. I can testify to that

@SW-User I think you're giving me to much credit. If the situation arises where something bad does happen, I don't think I'd feel anything. Who knows for sure. All I know is I feel nothing now towards the situation.

@SW-User And, I know you're probably like "What does she know?"

Honestly, I wasn't always emotionally flatlined. At a younger age, I use to be really sensitive. I would be able to feel things like emotions, I could get sad, angry, happy, euphoric, the whole spectrum of emotions.

But, I didn't grow up an easy life. I was hated, and mistreated by- literally everyone to a degree. My "friends" would pick on me, abuse me, and everything under the sun. Teachers too.
My dad wasn't there for me and honestly, he still doesn't fucking care. So, I relied on my mom alot. She wasn't the best at it. Long story short, she has abused me in ways. Not physical, but she didn't want to be a part of my life either.

This constant circle of betrayal, abuse, neglect, even sexual assults made me a callous flat lined person. From all the crying, suffering, and self hatred I wallowed in for almost a decade I unintentionally adapted by killing my emotions.

I became a sociopath.

But, I know too much about consequences and such, so don't go around causing trouble. I choose to act out a general "love" for people even though personally I really don't feel anything or could even care.

So, strength in dealing with your situation is gonna have to come from outside of what you want, or "feel" (or lack of thereof). It's gonna have to come from knowing what's acceptable and just doing it.

So that's where I am coming from. Whether you do anything about it is up to you

@Peppa Doesn't it make you feel so hollow? Like you know you should care but...there's nothing.

@bunnyXbunny very, I thought about this for a little while. And I think I've been over compensating for a while. Like I tried to make myself feel less empty.
But it swings in roundabouts I'm sure in a week I'll feel better

@bunnyXbunny yes see. You totally overreact.
Why do you see it as a weakness?
Why don't you see it like: great another day to get stronger. Or idk what helps you. You have to figure positive stuff out.
But there is always a positive side too.
This isn't weak. I even think it is pretty strong to handle with depressing thoughts.
You are strong

@Iwillsurvive Thank you for the vote of confidence.

Positive doesn't work. Every time I try it just gets worst and worst. I feel more and more broken. It's hard to explain... It feels as if I am not in control when I try to be positive.

@bunnyXbunny you don't need to he positive. It's fine but just be. And don't pressure yourself. Just be when you feel pain and can't breath. But know that better days will come too.
I mean of course I don't feel as you do and think as you do but I hope you understand what I mean.

@WarmAtNight I've tried those and the fix is always so temporary. I drink and I embrace bad physical habits.