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I Am a Mess

I had an episode today.
A wave of depression came over me and I had to do it. I've been doing so good lately and I screwed it all up. All I could think about while doing it was how I just want to be normal. I've envy people who just wake up and get through the day. Who don't have to fight to just function. Who's brain doesn't scream at then when they look in a mirror about how useless and pathetic a sight it is. I keep hoping I'll just snap out of it and be fine. I think I'm getting worst. I'm losing connections and the ability to care about anyone.
Did I ever really care?
I think I may need to be put away. I don't think being alone anymore is safe.

I found out my mother was admitted to the hospital today. I felt no concern. No fear. No sadness. It was as if I just found out around had pizza ordered or the mail was going to be late. Indifferent. I keep thinking about if she died, would I cry? I don't think I would. I think I'd just stare into the ether. I wish I would just get sick and die. Find some deserving person with some deadly disease and just steal it away from them. At least it would give this failure some purpose.

I'm a monster. I can't do this.

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SW-User

You and I are very similar, but love is also devotion. You don't have to feel it, but you should do what is right toward someone through action. Your mom has been admitted to the hospital. Go see her.

Do not start self loathing and harboring hate towards yourself. That is dangerous, makes you feel worse, and it's juvenile. By no means take that as an personal attack. It's just the truth.

You do know how to love, so practice that, even if you can't feel it.

bunnyXbunny · 36-40, M

@SW-User I don't want to see her. Partially because I don't like being in hospitals and partially because I wouldn't know what to say. It makes me sound heartless. I know it's wrong. That's the point. I'm wrong

It's hard not to loath yourself when the self is so fundamentally broken.

SW-User

You don't have to say anything though because you can speak with your heart not with your mouth. But, regardless nothing would feel worse to you except if something went horribly wrong to your mom. Whether you feel love towards her or not, the regret of not being there would make you even harbor more self hatred. It would be too late.

That's the alternative, but if she does do ok (I hope she will) then consider that a blessing.

To me, I actually think you do care about your mom otherwise you wouldn't have written about how terrible you are about this situation. But, realize this loathing around will not solve anything, and you have a life ahead of you, so the quicker you learn to embrace and work around this, the quicker you can start living again.

SW-User

And on a different note: if it's simply depression that lead you to be this way (I don't know your life story), then doing the exact opposite of what's in your "comfort zone" will pull you out of it eventually. I can testify to that

bunnyXbunny · 36-40, M

@SW-User I think you're giving me to much credit. If the situation arises where something bad does happen, I don't think I'd feel anything. Who knows for sure. All I know is I feel nothing now towards the situation.

SW-User

@SW-User And, I know you're probably like "What does she know?"

Honestly, I wasn't always emotionally flatlined. At a younger age, I use to be really sensitive. I would be able to feel things like emotions, I could get sad, angry, happy, euphoric, the whole spectrum of emotions.

But, I didn't grow up an easy life. I was hated, and mistreated by- literally everyone to a degree. My "friends" would pick on me, abuse me, and everything under the sun. Teachers too.
My dad wasn't there for me and honestly, he still doesn't fucking care. So, I relied on my mom alot. She wasn't the best at it. Long story short, she has abused me in ways. Not physical, but she didn't want to be a part of my life either.

This constant circle of betrayal, abuse, neglect, even sexual assults made me a callous flat lined person. From all the crying, suffering, and self hatred I wallowed in for almost a decade I unintentionally adapted by killing my emotions.

I became a sociopath.

But, I know too much about consequences and such, so don't go around causing trouble. I choose to act out a general "love" for people even though personally I really don't feel anything or could even care.

So, strength in dealing with your situation is gonna have to come from outside of what you want, or "feel" (or lack of thereof). It's gonna have to come from knowing what's acceptable and just doing it.

So that's where I am coming from. Whether you do anything about it is up to you