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I Am a Mess

I had an episode today.
A wave of depression came over me and I had to do it. I've been doing so good lately and I screwed it all up. All I could think about while doing it was how I just want to be normal. I've envy people who just wake up and get through the day. Who don't have to fight to just function. Who's brain doesn't scream at then when they look in a mirror about how useless and pathetic a sight it is. I keep hoping I'll just snap out of it and be fine. I think I'm getting worst. I'm losing connections and the ability to care about anyone.
Did I ever really care?
I think I may need to be put away. I don't think being alone anymore is safe.

I found out my mother was admitted to the hospital today. I felt no concern. No fear. No sadness. It was as if I just found out around had pizza ordered or the mail was going to be late. Indifferent. I keep thinking about if she died, would I cry? I don't think I would. I think I'd just stare into the ether. I wish I would just get sick and die. Find some deserving person with some deadly disease and just steal it away from them. At least it would give this failure some purpose.

I'm a monster. I can't do this.

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Iwillsurvive · 22-25, F

You say you are a monster. But how can you feel something if you don't even live?
Don't be so hard on yourself and also if you have just a screwed one day or how to say then it doesn't mean everything is destroyed.

bunnyXbunny · 36-40, M

@Iwillsurvive I've felt enough for one lifetime. Enough to want to stop feeling.

Everything isn't destroyed, just another scar to remind me of my weakness.

Iwillsurvive · 22-25, F

@bunnyXbunny yes see. You totally overreact.
Why do you see it as a weakness?
Why don't you see it like: great another day to get stronger. Or idk what helps you. You have to figure positive stuff out.
But there is always a positive side too.
This isn't weak. I even think it is pretty strong to handle with depressing thoughts.
You are strong

bunnyXbunny · 36-40, M

@Iwillsurvive Thank you for the vote of confidence.

Positive doesn't work. Every time I try it just gets worst and worst. I feel more and more broken. It's hard to explain... It feels as if I am not in control when I try to be positive.

Iwillsurvive · 22-25, F

@bunnyXbunny you don't need to he positive. It's fine but just be. And don't pressure yourself. Just be when you feel pain and can't breath. But know that better days will come too.
I mean of course I don't feel as you do and think as you do but I hope you understand what I mean.