I Am a Mess
I had an episode today.
A wave of depression came over me and I had to do it. I've been doing so good lately and I screwed it all up. All I could think about while doing it was how I just want to be normal. I've envy people who just wake up and get through the day. Who don't have to fight to just function. Who's brain doesn't scream at then when they look in a mirror about how useless and pathetic a sight it is. I keep hoping I'll just snap out of it and be fine. I think I'm getting worst. I'm losing connections and the ability to care about anyone.
Did I ever really care?
I think I may need to be put away. I don't think being alone anymore is safe.
I found out my mother was admitted to the hospital today. I felt no concern. No fear. No sadness. It was as if I just found out around had pizza ordered or the mail was going to be late. Indifferent. I keep thinking about if she died, would I cry? I don't think I would. I think I'd just stare into the ether. I wish I would just get sick and die. Find some deserving person with some deadly disease and just steal it away from them. At least it would give this failure some purpose.
I'm a monster. I can't do this.
A wave of depression came over me and I had to do it. I've been doing so good lately and I screwed it all up. All I could think about while doing it was how I just want to be normal. I've envy people who just wake up and get through the day. Who don't have to fight to just function. Who's brain doesn't scream at then when they look in a mirror about how useless and pathetic a sight it is. I keep hoping I'll just snap out of it and be fine. I think I'm getting worst. I'm losing connections and the ability to care about anyone.
Did I ever really care?
I think I may need to be put away. I don't think being alone anymore is safe.
I found out my mother was admitted to the hospital today. I felt no concern. No fear. No sadness. It was as if I just found out around had pizza ordered or the mail was going to be late. Indifferent. I keep thinking about if she died, would I cry? I don't think I would. I think I'd just stare into the ether. I wish I would just get sick and die. Find some deserving person with some deadly disease and just steal it away from them. At least it would give this failure some purpose.
I'm a monster. I can't do this.
36-40, M
