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How I failed to save a close friend from suicide

This friend had the most beautiful mind

I often thought that I was lucky to know him and I adored him. And sometimes I was burned out trying to help.

He was depressed and would often beg me to talk and I never said no for I loved him and even the way he talked about his darker feeling captivated me. He was so poetic.


But one day when I was out late and distracted I didn't look at my phone for hours. When I got home I noticed a message and clicked on it. It was long and cheerful. I was thinking" he must be having a nice day " but when I read more it got darker and when I neard the ending it was obvious that he wanted to commit suicide and I replied but nothing happened. Then I called and nothing. I was not fast enough. I should have looked at my phone. People told me it was not my fault. But I still feel like it was. And for years after I would be scared to make friends. I was worried they would kill themselves.
I want to say that:

I will read your comments but I won't respond because even though I appreciate your comments and people who are saying that I should not blame myself. I personally won't be able to fully believe in your words. For if I looked at my phone. It could have been prevented. I didn't and he killed himself.
fernie2 ·
[@1229922,Curxuia] You could not be more mistaken. If you ignore what most of us have said to you...ALL of it rational and true....then you are embracing your guilt and won't ever let it go. You could not have prevented it if he wanted to go. Maybe you could research the subject? You don't deserve to blame yourself. THEY WILL GO NO MATTER WHAT WE SAY OR DON'T SAY!
[@1229922,Curxuia] I will not try to badger you. That is one of the last things you need particularly in your time of mourning.
I will instead offer thoughts of comfort.
fernie2 ·
[@634048,Neoerectus] She is mourning of course. We are trying to convince her she is faultless in her friends decision to leave. No badgering
fernie2 ·
You can't help someone who really wants to go. I had a very similar experience with a close friend. She was so loved but...she referred to herself as damaged goods. She was molested by several males as a little girl because she developed breasts waaay too early and became prey. She never got over it, as many of us don't as adults. She made several attempts to leave, and eventually she succeeded. None of us could find her for days. One of us saw her car at the train depot..she got down on the floor in the back seat, covered herself with a dark blanket and did the deed...uninterrupted this time. Nothing anyone said, no matter how loved she was, her inner pain was too much to live with. You are not...NOT... responsible for any part of it. You were a good friend to no avail. When someone needs to go...they go
SimplyAPerson · 18-21, F
[@1181110,fernie2] heartbreakin...
As with the other people I will say to you his death was not and is not your fault. Regardless of how much you love you have the most minimum control of any facet of a person's life. That includes how a person lives, thinks, eats, or dies. You did what a real friend did and that was be his real friend. Do not think of yourself as a harbinger of death. You brought light, hope, and a shoulder to your friend. You can perform those same beautiful deeds for others.
wunderluv · 51-55, M
[@1220530,onrealityofdreams] very well said
[@4302,wunderluv] I thank you.
Ynotisay · M
No No No. NOT your fault in ANY way. And this is the thing about suicide that really angers me and diminishes empathy. It's the people who are left behind, and did everything they could, who carry the burden.

This is something you're going to need to navigate but I'm really hopeful you do it without ANY sense of guilt or responsibility. It was all on him. Period.

Good luck.
fernie2 ·
[@324070,Ynotisay] The extreme pain the person who ended their life deserves a hell of a lot more empathy than those still here. Grief will diminish...death is final. You're so heartless
fernie2 ·
[@324070,Ynotisay] I know what you said...that's all I need to know. Cold cold cold
BlueVeins · 18-21, M
I often feel like I'm kinda at the edge, but having good friends to talk to is deeply important and it sounds like you treated him very well. I can't speak for him, but when I feel like I'm really gonna kill myself, I don't need to hear the perfect words from someone I care about. I just wanna do it. I admire your passion and I think the general efforts to comfort people in times of crisis is a good thing, but a big part of me thinks there was no way you could've prevented this.

In any case, I bet the time he spent with you was one of the fondest memories he took to his grave. When someone feels like they're dying and you open up your heart to them, they don't forget that. Ever. Hope you forgive yourself, you deserve that more than anything.
[@4199,BlueVeins] I hope you have a therapist. But I'm not sure if they are really that helpful.
BlueVeins · 18-21, M
[@1229922,Curxuia] Oh, I'm sure they are. I'll probably get one one o' these days, I'll be OK till then.
REMsleep · 41-45, F
You have trauma. You know that this thinking is not healthy. Its obviously not your fault. No friend is ever responsible for making sure that no one kills themself on a daily basis.
I'm sorry that you had to go thru this.
[@867436,REMsleep] I think I will never stop feeling like I should have looked at my phone instead of being distracted.
wunderluv · 51-55, M
[@1229922,Curxuia] when did the happen? (if don't my asking)
fernie2 ·
[@1229922,Curxuia]Yes, you will. Unless you decide to blame yourself forever. The pain will absolutely diminish at some point in time. Certainly not yet.
I am so sorry for your loss, of that of your close friend. There are not enough comforting words to make you feel less pain but if it's any comfort, I just want to say that from your words , I feel he already made up his mind about leaving and your not being there to answer his call at that moment has nothing to do with it.You had no fault whatsoever.He was saying goodbye and decided it was time to go.

The only thing that can be done is to wish his spirit is free and happy and that one day you'll see each other again. Live....for you, for him, all the dreams that need to be lived and experienced. Wishing you strength and happiness.
fernie2 ·
[@1186998,LILMissAnonyMOUSE] WELL SAID!
[@1181110,fernie2] Thank you.
Aww....sorry for your loss. 🥺

......So I know exactly how miserable you might feel. Please understand that it’s not your fault...and try to move forward. Hugs.
Wiseacre · F
No one is to blame for another’s suicide.
wunderluv · 51-55, M
You said that you tried to help to the extent that you burned yourself out.. I know this feeling.. I believe that you would have tried your best and I'm sure that your friend knew that too.. Ultimately though our lives and what we do with it are dangerously in our own hands.
Be at peace, there truly is nothing that you could have done
On the night that EP shut down, I was one of the few still online saying my good byes.

It was around 2 AM, my time.

A 30 something lady I had met online reached out to me

We chatted for an hour as EP went offline forever.

The next morning around 10 AM , she took her life.

I took notice of a the search for a young lady ... then days later realized it was the lady I had chatted with.

They found her about a week later.

****
Do I wish I had asked a better question? ... yes

Do I wish angels had told me she was troubled? ... yes

Do I wish I could of said or done something? ... yes

Was I honored God let me be the last person she corresponded with? ... yes

Do I carry any remorse? ... no

Do I have faith ... yes
Carazaa · F
So sorry about your friend. Tell us about him!

We don't know the future. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness, please try forgive yourself.
SimplyAPerson · 18-21, F
So so sorry for your loss, and for the guilt you still carry around to this day. You sound like a caring person that deserves meaningful friendships. I hope you find a way to let yourself have that someday.
Nope. I honestly think when you've decided not much will stop it from happening. You probably helped delay it for quite awhile.
Adamski24 · 36-40, M
You mustn't blame yourself or let it stop you making new friends, he wouldn't want you to think or feel that way.
ABCDEF7 · M
I can understand. Online friendship with people of low mental/emotional strength is dangerous. It will keep you feeling the guilt. Then I think, may that was the solution God thought to give rest/peace to their souls.

Om Peace Peace Peace 🙏
SnowBlack · 18-21, F
Be angry with him. That'll start the healing process.

 
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