How I failed to save a close friend from suicide

This friend had the most beautiful mind

I often thought that I was lucky to know him and I adored him. And sometimes I was burned out trying to help.

He was depressed and would often beg me to talk and I never said no for I loved him and even the way he talked about his darker feeling captivated me. He was so poetic.

But one day when I was out late and distracted I didn't look at my phone for hours. When I got home I noticed a message and clicked on it. It was long and cheerful. I was thinking" he must be having a nice day " but when I read more it got darker and when I neard the ending it was obvious that he wanted to commit suicide and I replied but nothing happened. Then I called and nothing. I was not fast enough. I should have looked at my phone. People told me it was not my fault. But I still feel like it was. And for years after I would be scared to make friends. I was worried they would kill themselves.

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Ynotisay · M

No No No. NOT your fault in ANY way. And this is the thing about suicide that really angers me and diminishes empathy. It's the people who are left behind, and did everything they could, who carry the burden.

This is something you're going to need to navigate but I'm really hopeful you do it without ANY sense of guilt or responsibility. It was all on him. Period.

Good luck.

fernie2

@Ynotisay what angers you?

Ynotisay · M

@fernie2 The burden on those left behind. Things that are unfair to the innocent, when an option exists, angers me. At the very least, take the time to write those closest with a note that takes them entirely off the hook so they're never left wondering.

fernie2

@Ynotisay So, the person who wants so badly to end their lives should think rationally and put it off until they write notes to spare the people left of something? It doesn't work like that.Well, some folks DO leave notes but, I don't see how it helps the living. The pain of what they did will still be there. Along with all the new guilt..."why didn't I see that?,,etc. So often the person who ends their own life is demonized and called cowards. I think it takes guts to go into the unknown. I've had serious thoughts about leaving in my past. I did not have the guts.

Ynotisay · M

@fernie2 Yes. They should spare people. And the note should say, "There's nothing more you could do."
I'm sorry but I see nothing gutsy about going to the unknown. Because there is no unknown.
So it's not that you didn't have the guts. It's that you had the strength. That's inarguable from where I'm standing.

fernie2

@Ynotisay Maybe it's "inarguable from where you stand" because you haven't been at the level of pain they are/were at?

Ynotisay · M

@fernie2 Most every adult has experienced pain, hardship or loss. It's not unique. And it's not really relevant to what I'm saying. Leaving others with that kind of pain and questions is about as selfish and uncaring and act there is. If you have an incurable disease, are suffering greatly and don't want to put others through that process? Euthanasia has its place. When it's selfless. Big difference.
So you know, it has nothing to do with not having empathy for people who are hurting. It does have to do with causing others unnecessary pain. That just doesn't fly with me. I guess we all see it differently.

fernie2

@Ynotisay I'm talking purely about deep, deep depression. Not to be compared to other issues. There are different levels of pain and depression. Not "every adult" knows the level that causes someone to want to end it. We have no right to judge or decide what that person SHOULD have done. I'm sorry but, your coldness screams ..you just don't get it

Ynotisay · M

@fernie2 So I'm cold for not wanting innocent people to suffer. OK.

fernie2

@Ynotisay The extreme pain the person who ended their life deserves a hell of a lot more empathy than those still here. Grief will diminish...death is final. You're so heartless

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fernie2

@Ynotisay I know what you said...that's all I need to know. Cold cold cold