Grown up parental frustrations
Ok first off, I will never confront my parents about this cuz theres too much risk and too little payoff involved. I love my parents. I could have had bad parents, but mine did well, well not well but they tried. Its not their fault that their best wasnt enough, but its also not my fault that I needed more. You know?
I used to secretly hate them but age does things. I have long since come to a point where I realized their failings were simply because before parents they are humans and humans are flawed and make mistakes. Both their parents did a horrible job raising them and yea they never healed from that. That generation didnt have the option of saying yo we are emotionally wounded, lets fix this...
I get it. I really do.
Im 32 now, and im still struggling with the results of their parenting and I do not have the means to heal all the built up trauma. I remember very little of my childhood but the little bits that do resurface arent positive usually.
My dad used to hit us really hard, sometimes to the point where on swimdays at school id have to find excuses to sit it out cuz the purple stripes diwn my legs from the belt was too visable still. I did bring this up once a few years ago and my dad does not recall ever hitting us that hard.
My mom used to force me into social situations cuz I had anxiety and then punish me if I couldnt perform well or if i had a bad reaction. My anxiety grew so much worse due to those instances.
Phrases like "I cant deal with you right now" "stop overreacting" "Ill give you a reason to cry" "why cant you be more like..." "Grow up" "youre too much" "no one will ever love you like this, they will send you right back" "i hope you get a daughter just like yourself, then youll feel how miserable you make me" "theres so much your mother wishes she could share with you, shw needs a friend, you make her so sad" ... They keep popping up in my brain even now. It hurts still.
Negative emotions were never ok. And if we had a fight they later realized was unfair and not my fault, instead of apologizing theyd try to force a hug on me to "make me feel better" but when id refuse the hug because i did nothing wrong and they never even apologized, id get yelled at and punished further.
Here I am, 32, useless at emoting. I literally dont know how. I mimic others reactions but cant feel it for myself. "Bad" emotions I just suppress and reason away as fast as possible. Theres a lot of shame and confusion around emotions for me. Sympathy and empathy is also severely dampened.
Youd never guess any of this tho. If you met me tomorrow at work youd think, wow what a puttogether wellrounded mentally stable person. My mask is rock solid, and i have a number of coping mechanisms that keep me funtioning at the level that is required of me. I am, however, a huge dumpster fire with a bunch of racoons sitting around it playing poker.
I used to secretly hate them but age does things. I have long since come to a point where I realized their failings were simply because before parents they are humans and humans are flawed and make mistakes. Both their parents did a horrible job raising them and yea they never healed from that. That generation didnt have the option of saying yo we are emotionally wounded, lets fix this...
I get it. I really do.
Im 32 now, and im still struggling with the results of their parenting and I do not have the means to heal all the built up trauma. I remember very little of my childhood but the little bits that do resurface arent positive usually.
My dad used to hit us really hard, sometimes to the point where on swimdays at school id have to find excuses to sit it out cuz the purple stripes diwn my legs from the belt was too visable still. I did bring this up once a few years ago and my dad does not recall ever hitting us that hard.
My mom used to force me into social situations cuz I had anxiety and then punish me if I couldnt perform well or if i had a bad reaction. My anxiety grew so much worse due to those instances.
Phrases like "I cant deal with you right now" "stop overreacting" "Ill give you a reason to cry" "why cant you be more like..." "Grow up" "youre too much" "no one will ever love you like this, they will send you right back" "i hope you get a daughter just like yourself, then youll feel how miserable you make me" "theres so much your mother wishes she could share with you, shw needs a friend, you make her so sad" ... They keep popping up in my brain even now. It hurts still.
Negative emotions were never ok. And if we had a fight they later realized was unfair and not my fault, instead of apologizing theyd try to force a hug on me to "make me feel better" but when id refuse the hug because i did nothing wrong and they never even apologized, id get yelled at and punished further.
Here I am, 32, useless at emoting. I literally dont know how. I mimic others reactions but cant feel it for myself. "Bad" emotions I just suppress and reason away as fast as possible. Theres a lot of shame and confusion around emotions for me. Sympathy and empathy is also severely dampened.
Youd never guess any of this tho. If you met me tomorrow at work youd think, wow what a puttogether wellrounded mentally stable person. My mask is rock solid, and i have a number of coping mechanisms that keep me funtioning at the level that is required of me. I am, however, a huge dumpster fire with a bunch of racoons sitting around it playing poker.
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