Grown up parental frustrations

Ok first off, I will never confront my parents about this cuz theres too much risk and too little payoff involved. I love my parents. I could have had bad parents, but mine did well, well not well but they tried. Its not their fault that their best wasnt enough, but its also not my fault that I needed more. You know?

I used to secretly hate them but age does things. I have long since come to a point where I realized their failings were simply because before parents they are humans and humans are flawed and make mistakes. Both their parents did a horrible job raising them and yea they never healed from that. That generation didnt have the option of saying yo we are emotionally wounded, lets fix this...

I get it. I really do.

Im 32 now, and im still struggling with the results of their parenting and I do not have the means to heal all the built up trauma. I remember very little of my childhood but the little bits that do resurface arent positive usually.

My dad used to hit us really hard, sometimes to the point where on swimdays at school id have to find excuses to sit it out cuz the purple stripes diwn my legs from the belt was too visable still. I did bring this up once a few years ago and my dad does not recall ever hitting us that hard.

My mom used to force me into social situations cuz I had anxiety and then punish me if I couldnt perform well or if i had a bad reaction. My anxiety grew so much worse due to those instances.

Phrases like "I cant deal with you right now" "stop overreacting" "Ill give you a reason to cry" "why cant you be more like..." "Grow up" "youre too much" "no one will ever love you like this, they will send you right back" "i hope you get a daughter just like yourself, then youll feel how miserable you make me" "theres so much your mother wishes she could share with you, shw needs a friend, you make her so sad" ... They keep popping up in my brain even now. It hurts still.

Negative emotions were never ok. And if we had a fight they later realized was unfair and not my fault, instead of apologizing theyd try to force a hug on me to "make me feel better" but when id refuse the hug because i did nothing wrong and they never even apologized, id get yelled at and punished further.

Here I am, 32, useless at emoting. I literally dont know how. I mimic others reactions but cant feel it for myself. "Bad" emotions I just suppress and reason away as fast as possible. Theres a lot of shame and confusion around emotions for me. Sympathy and empathy is also severely dampened.

Youd never guess any of this tho. If you met me tomorrow at work youd think, wow what a puttogether wellrounded mentally stable person. My mask is rock solid, and i have a number of coping mechanisms that keep me funtioning at the level that is required of me. I am, however, a huge dumpster fire with a bunch of racoons sitting around it playing poker.

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Eyeinthesky · 56-60, F

Your story made me cry because I have gone through similar situations, not just with parents but multi generations and siblings in the family.

You did very well despite all the hard times you had to endure all by yourself.
I want to praise you for your well intentions and your everlasting good nature in your heart.

Please pat yourself and feel proud how you managed well, we are all human being, nobody’s perfect but you really did turned out well.

Everyone has many faces and that’s natural, you are having your mask on which means you are living your life as a responsible grown up.

You maybe feel otherwise but you are very brave and insightful person.

It’s good to read that you know it’s not your fault and also your parents had their own issues because of their upbringing long time ago.
Just like that everyone has some kind of trauma and only the difference is how they reacting to each pain and hard time.

Your reaction to your hardship sounds positive to me although you are struggling and still hurting inside, you are trying to solve and understand the situations by thinking logically and sharing your story here.

There are many experts on this subject available out there by listening their program or reading their sites.

14 years ago I read Seth Material by Jane Roberts, it suggested I was the one chose this life for my personal goal and those hardship experiences are necessary to form my character and can evolve into multiple soul identity in our given times.
Somehow that notion comforted me deeply and I decided not to blame anyone or situation for my suffering.
I hope you can meet the right expert to relieve your pain and heal your scar and become free from the pressure you are having.
Wishing you all the best.

nonsensiclesnail · F

I confronted my parents, individually and only once, with some of the things that hurt me.
They had no idea.
Does anyone ever have any idea though? I know they knew and I know they know. They know they know too.
But unlike me, they weren't in a moment where they were ready or able to deal with it.
And the one time I did confront them, what good did it bring about?
All I did was make my father defensive and my mother cry.

With them, your parents, may not be how to deal with anything.
You might consider finding someone you can talk to, or with, or at. A therapist is what everyone suggests, and they can be helpful for certain if they re the right fit or you.
But trauma is no simply overcome, You usually overcome it many times and when doing things well, the mountain gets smaller every time you need to climb it again.

MidnightZombieKitty · 31-35

@nonsensiclesnail exactly this. When i confronted my dad about him having hit us, he had no clue and was deeply hurt by it. To this day he feels like I hate him and will make small "oh im such a shitty father" type comments. I honestly wish i didnt say anything. So yea, about all this stuff just sitting on my chest, ill never tell them. I will have to do the therapy thing. I honestly wish i could start that rn but my financial situation is dire. I barely make it through the month on my income

nonsensiclesnail · F

@MidnightZombieKitty
Like everything, therapy is expensive and insurance isn't always great at coving more than a few sessions. But, you might be able to find support groups. Places you can go to listen and to talk. Learning to separate who you are from your trauma is a very freeing experience, and necessary for personal growth.
Writing about it helps some, for me it led to too much indwelling and it gets me into a really dark place rather than out of one. But you're not me 🙃 and Im told it's useful.
And what your dad doesn't know is the this consistent reminders that he knows he was a shitty dad is not an apology and its not remorse for his actions, its wallowing in self pity and asking you to join him or tell him its ok. He wants your forgiveness without doing anything himself. Likely because hes either too scared to face it or he really doesn't care.
And I could be utterly wrong. its not like I know anything.

AbusedNeglected · 41-45, M

It appears what you are referring to is also known as Complex PTSD. It's something that I am going through therapy for myself. Basically our parent's didn't know how to parent us well enough for us to become emotionally independent or interdependent adults. Their parent's were even worse but I am not letting them off the hook at all. They sucked and I know better exists and that's what I am striving for, for myself. My anger toward my shitty parents fuels my desire to do better for myself and remove the limitting beliefs and habits they installed when I was very young. It's a long process and I do recommend a therapist familiar with CPTSD. There are plenty of online resources to help also. It's easier for me to interact with my parents now that I know that they suck at it and why. I don't have to succumb to their BS anymore because how inferior they actually are, which allows me go about my own business easier when around them. They made the choice to be lazy and suck at parenting along time ago and it's not my responsibility to try to change them.

Going for the jugular with them, which I and looks like others have done, doesn't maturely deal with the problem however. I am getting better at communicating more assertively with my parent's and it does seem to make a difference, but only a tad bit. It's still a difference though.

SubstantialKick · 36-40, M

I've gone through the same thing. I've never really tried talking to my mom about some of the things that were said and done when I was being raised, because she will either deny it or say it was normal parenting.

SW-User

You were abused.

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