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How do you take criticism without feeling defensive and then be so hard on yourself that you just cry when you finally get alone?

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Practice.
Keep in mind that someone being critical about what you do, what you wear or a choice you've made, is not you as a whole.Only those instances. Try to look through their words and see if there may be something you might be able to change, or if it is just that person being a jerk in the moment.