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Have you ever felt you don't know who you are?

For me, I've been attending to, pleasing, helping, thinking about, everyone else EVERY day of my life. A lot of it stemmed from a horrible environment of chaos and violence growing up. If you spoke your mind , even just to defend yourself, you were being difficult, or selfish, or back talking. It was so bad I lost my Self over time, so that I'd just do what anyone wanted or needed, never speaking my mind. I Existed literally to please others, in an attempt that I could be seen as normal.

I still don't know who I am. Yes I am genuinely compassionate to animals, kids, and anyone really. I do have a tender emotional heart. Beyond that, I have no clue what is good for me, what i truly want.
Do you ever feel you are burned by life, and don't know who you ARE?
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KarenDuponteDurose1 · 51-55, F
During Covid. Actually a little before - I'm a head teacher now, but back then I was deputy head although put into a position where the head teacher was off with ill health so I was the 'acting' one.

I had a little bit of an emotional breakdown , keeping the school afloat, keeping the children entertained and educated - Primary years school - and the parents and other teachers in the know, whilst my partner was looking after our child and doing the teaching for her.

Very tiring for both of us, and our daughter.

I found myself stuck, just generally lost and tired but trying to fulfill a role. Luckily the wife was a rock and, slowly but surely, out the other end I found myself again.

Part medication, part rest, part nature, big part support.

It was a scary time.
ElyssTTTrucks · 100+, M
I've had periods over the decades when I lost touch or got too close to losing touch with my core identity.
My core identity was initially established between 35 - 40 years ago.
Various distractions, emotionally and ego related were causal factors regarding the periods when I lost touch with my core identity.
The trials and travails , the struggles of life and survival in this crazy fucked up world can tire and wear a person down to where they can forget who they are in all but rote shallow memory.
Those who abused you or enabled that abuse when you were growing up ought to be in prison over what
they have done.
Even though what they did would most likely not be legally prosecutable today.
Imagine creating a fantasy character of yourself.
What does she like to do?
What is her direction in life?
What are her passions?
What gives her meaning in life?
What is her path in this world?
What are her interests?
What are her opinions?
When is she most at ease and harmonious in the fabric and tapestry of life, of humanity?
From this fantasy character, a real life Self can be buildt.
The real life Self need not be all that the fantasy character might be.
I hope that what's said here may be helpful and useful.
Good day to you.
And a good life for you.
Baybreeze · 41-45, F
@ElyssTTTrucks I'm sorry you felt you didn't know who you are too. It's a helpless and terrible feeling. My sister says it too, my mom should be in jail for the things she did. The example above was mild..she would shove and hit and threaten to throw a pan at my head..I have PTSD and get anxious anytime someone raises something in their hands like they might throw it at my head😢 Plus threats and most of all saying I have no right to talk or defend myself... She was and is a sadistic sociopath.
That's a good idea, a fantasy character, thank you. I know some of my likes but I feel I'm never enough to pursue them
...ty again for your kindness 🪻
Mindful · 56-60, F
@ElyssTTTrucks it sounds like you had a rough life. TBH, I didn't suffer as you did but I am a depressed person, and have experienced some loss and it's changed how I see myself negative way...sadly I suffer my own self criticism, and I just want to say I like the list of questions you posted to help me reframe how I can see myself. I also like that you're here to help someone else. I appreciate your kindness. It may also be helping me.
I have felt that way.

After 19 1/2 years of marriage I walked out and drove around the US for almost a year. I didn’t find myself, exactly, but I found a lot. The incredible splendor of my own country. The generosity and kindness of most humans. My own competence.

In South Carolina, I was invited to a Mother’s Day fish fry. The friend who invited me found me sitting on a tree stump, quietly observing. They asked why I was hiding, and I realized I was waiting for the violence to start. It didn’t. There was hugging and laughing and great food and games and story-telling and music - but nobody hit anybody. Nobody yelled angrily. It was an epiphany.

I grew up in a loving and supportive family, and they remained that way. I married badly and by the time I realized just how badly, I was too timid to leave, too unsure of my judgment. That trip around the country taught me a great deal. The very rich can be miserable. The very poor can be happy. Mostly, we build our own prison, and find ways to survive.

Nobody reasonable expects you to surrender yourself, but if you do surrender, some will find it convenient.

In the South Dakota badlands, I found part of me. I attended a powwow on a reservation. It was part county fair, part rodeo, but mostly cultural remembrance and celebration. In an area the size of a football field, they danced in traditional costumes to the rhythms of drum circles and chants. Once an eagle feather, sacred to them, fell from a costume, and everything stopped. Four community leaders - chiefs - danced out in their headdresses to retrieve the feather with reverence and dignity. It reached something in me I didn’t know was there.

I bought a CD of drums and chants and drove much deeper into the badlands, where there was very little evidence of people or modernity with the CD blasting and the stone cliffs dyed gold and crimson under the setting sun. I stopped and did my own silly improvised white person dance alone, the wind in my hair, stones crunching under my feet, and I changed.

I wasn’t rich or famous or dancing with anyone, but I was somebody new. I was me.

The only person who can find who you are is you. Others, including therapist, can help.

I wish you well on your journey.
Baybreeze · 41-45, F
@Mamapolo2016 What a very deep experience...that's really amazing 🍂 I'm sorry you also experienced violence. It can change your body and mind and it's just a toxic prison. I'm slowly learning many positive things in books but it's taking a while to try to alter my people pleasing and my beliefs that I'm less than others. I will continue working on finding ME. Thank y🌼
Yes. But I did change that. It has happened multiple times in my life. Usually getting away from toxic people helps. They tend to drain our sense of self when they don't care about our tender hearts.

Lately I know who I am I'm just waiting for the motivation to do the things I love to do.

PTSD is exhausting. Being around hurtful people takes so much. Give yourself time.

But I did have to be extra brave and push myself well beyond my comfort zone. It's scary but once you realize how brave and strong you are too, you'll like yourself.
The girl without hands
A fairy tale by the Brothers Grimm

A certain miller had little by little fallen into poverty, and had nothing left but his mill and a large apple-tree behind it. Once when he had gone into the forest to fetch wood, an old man stepped up to him whom he had never seen before, and said, "Why dost thou plague thyself with cutting wood, I will make thee rich, if thou wilt promise me what is standing behind thy mill?" - "What can that be but my apple-tree?" thought the miller, and said, "Yes," and gave a written promise to the stranger. He, however, laughed mockingly and said, "When three years have passed, I will come and carry away what belongs to me," and then he went. When the miller got home, his wife came to meet him and said, "Tell me, miller, from whence comes this sudden wealth into our house? All at once every box and chest was filled; no one brought it in, and I know not how it happened." He answered, "It comes from a stranger who met me in the forest, and promised me great treasure. I, in return, have promised him what stands behind the mill; we can very well give him the big apple-tree for it." - "Ah, husband," said the terrified wife, "that must have been the devil! He did not mean the apple-tree, but our daughter, who was standing behind the mill sweeping the yard."

The miller's daughter was a beautiful, pious girl, and lived through the three years in the fear of God and without sin. When therefore the time was over, and the day came when the Evil-one was to fetch her, she washed herself clean, and made a circle round herself with chalk. The devil appeared quite early, but he could not come near to her. Angrily, he said to the miller, "Take all water away from her, that she may no longer be able to wash herself, for otherwise I have no power over her." The miller was afraid, and did so. The next morning the devil came again, but she had wept on her hands, and they were quite clean. Again he could not get near her, and furiously said to the miller, "Cut her hands off, or else I cannot get the better of her." The miller was shocked and answered, "How could I cut off my own child's hands?" Then the Evil-one threatened him and said, "If thou dost not do it thou art mine, and I will take thee thyself." The father became alarmed, and promised to obey him. So he went to the girl and said, "My child, if I do not cut off both thine hands, the devil will carry me away, and in my terror I have promised to do it. Help me in my need, and forgive me the harm I do thee." She replied, "Dear father, do with me what you will, I am your child." Thereupon she laid down both her hands, and let them be cut off. The devil came for the third time, but she had wept so long and so much on the stumps, that after all they were quite clean. Then he had to give in, and had lost all right over her.

The miller said to her, "I have by means of thee received such great wealth that I will keep thee most delicately as long as thou livest." But she replied, "Here I cannot stay, I will go forth, compassionate people will give me as much as I require." Thereupon she caused her maimed arms to be bound to her back, and by sunrise she set out on her way, and walked the whole day until night fell. Then she came to a royal garden, and by the shimmering of the moon she saw that trees covered with beautiful fruits grew in it, but she could not enter, for there was much water round about it. And as she had walked the whole day and not eaten one mouthful, and hunger tormented her, she thought, "Ah, if I were but inside, that I might eat of the fruit, else must I die of hunger!" Then she knelt down, called on God the Lord, and prayed. And suddenly an angel came towards her, who made a dam in the water, so that the moat became dry and she could walk through it. And now she went into the garden and the angel went with her. She saw a tree covered with beautiful pears, but they were all counted. Then she went to them, and to still her hunger, ate one with her mouth from the tree, but no more. The gardener was watching; but as the angel was standing by, he was afraid and thought the maiden was a spirit, and was silent, neither did he dare to cry out, or to speak to the spirit. When she had eaten the pear, she was satisfied, and went and concealed herself among the bushes. The King to whom the garden belonged, came down to it next morning, and counted, and saw that one of the pears was missing, and asked the gardener what had become of it, as it was not lying beneath the tree, but was gone. Then answered the gardener, "Last night, a spirit came in, who had no hands, and ate off one of the pears with its mouth." The King said, "How did the spirit get over the water, and where did it go after it had eaten the pear?" The gardener answered, "Some one came in a snow-white garment from heaven who made a dam, and kept back the water, that the spirit might walk through the moat. And as it must have been an angel, I was afraid, and asked no questions, and did not cry out. When the spirit had eaten the pear, it went back again." The King said, "If it be as thou sayest, I will watch with thee to-night."

When it grew dark the King came into the garden and brought a priest with him, who was to speak to the spirit. All three seated themselves beneath the tree and watched. At midnight the maiden came creeping out of the thicket, went to the tree, and again ate one pear off it with her mouth, and beside her stood the angel in white garments. Then the priest went out to them and said, "Comest thou from heaven or from earth? Art thou a spirit, or a human being?" She replied, "I am no spirit, but an unhappy mortal deserted by all but God." The King said, "If thou art forsaken by all the world, yet will I not forsake thee." He took her with him into his royal palace, and as she was so beautiful and good, he loved her with all his heart, had silver hands made for her, and took her to wife.
After a year the King had to take the field, so he commended his young Queen to the care of his mother and said, "If she is brought to bed take care of her, nurse her well, and tell me of it at once in a letter." Then she gave birth to a fine boy. So the old mother made haste to write and announce the joyful news to him. But the messenger rested by a brook on the way, and as he was fatigued by the great distance, he fell asleep. Then came the Devil, who was always seeking to injure the good Queen, and exchanged the letter for another, in which was written that the Queen had brought a monster into the world. When the King read the letter he was shocked and much troubled, but he wrote in answer that they were to take great care of the Queen and nurse her well until his arrival. The messenger went back with the letter, but rested at the same place and again fell asleep. Then came the Devil once more, and put a different letter in his pocket, in which it was written that they were to put the Queen and her child to death. The old mother was terribly shocked when she received the letter, and could not believe it. She wrote back again to the King, but received no other answer, because each time the Devil substituted a false letter, and in the last letter it was also written that she was to preserve the Queen's tongue and eyes as a token that she had obeyed.
But the old mother wept to think such innocent blood was to be shed, and had a hind brought by night and cut out her tongue and eyes, and kept them. Then said she to the Queen, "I cannot have thee killed as the King commands, but here thou mayst stay no longer. Go forth into the wide world with thy child, and never come here again." The poor woman tied her child on her back, and went away with eyes full of tears. She came into a great wild forest, and then she fell on her knees and prayed to God, and the angel of the Lord appeared to her and led her to a little house on which was a sign with the words, "Here all dwell free." A snow-white maiden came out of the little house and said, 'Welcome, Lady Queen," and conducted her inside. Then they unbound the little boy from her back, and held him to her breast that he might feed, and laid him in a beautifully-made little bed. Then said the poor woman, "From whence knowest thou that I was a queen?" The white maiden answered, "I am an angel sent by God, to watch over thee and thy child." The Queen stayed seven years in the little house, and was well cared for, and by God's grace, because of her piety, her hands which had been cut off, grew once more.
At last the King came home again from the war, and his first wish was to see his wife and the child. Then his aged mother began to weep and said, "Thou wicked man, why didst thou write to me that I was to take those two innocent lives?" and she showed him the two letters which the Evil-one had forged, and then continued, "I did as thou badest me," and she showed the tokens, the tongue and eyes. Then the King began to weep for his poor wife and his little son so much more bitterly than she was doing, that the aged mother had compassion on him and said, "Be at peace, she still lives; I secretly caused a hind to be killed, and took these tokens from it; but I bound the child to thy wife's back and bade her go forth into the wide world, and made her promise never to come back here again, because thou wert so angry with her." Then spoke the King, "I will go as far as the sky is blue, and will neither eat nor drink until I have found again my dear wife and my child, if in the meantime they have not been killed, or died of hunger."
Thereupon the King travelled about for seven long years, and sought her in every cleft of the rocks and in every cave, but he found her not, and thought she had died of want. During the whole of this time he neither ate nor drank, but God supported him. At length he came into a great forest, and found therein the little house whose sign was, "Here all dwell free." Then forth came the white maiden, took him by the hand, led him in, and said, "Welcome, Lord King," and asked him from whence he came. He answered, "Soon shall I have travelled about for the space of seven years, and I seek my wife and her child, but cannot find them." The angel offered him meat and drink, but he did not take anything, and only wished to rest a little. Then he lay down to sleep, and put a handkerchief over his face.
Thereupon the angel went into the chamber where the Queen sat with her son, whom she usually called "Sorrowful," and said to her, "Go out with thy child, thy husband hath come." So she went to the place where he lay, and the handkerchief fell from his face. Then said she, "Sorrowful, pick up thy father's handkerchief, and cover his face again." The child picked it up, and put it over his face again. The King in his sleep heard what passed, and had pleasure in letting the handkerchief fall once more. But the child grew impatient, and said, "Dear mother, how can I cover my father's face when I have no father in this world? I have learnt to say the prayer, 'Our Father, which art in Heaven,' thou hast told me that my father was in Heaven, and was the good God, and how can I know a wild man like this? He is not my father." When the King heard that, he got up, and asked who they were. Then said she, "I am thy wife, and that is thy son, Sorrowful." And he saw her living hands, and said, "My wife had silver hands." She answered, "The good God has caused my natural hands to grow again;" and the angel went into the inner room, and brought the silver hands, and showed them to him. Hereupon he knew for a certainty that it was his dear wife and his dear child, and he kissed them, and was glad, and said, "A heavy stone has fallen from off mine heart." Then the angel of God gave them one meal with her, and after that they went home to the King's aged mother. There were great rejoicings everywhere, and the King and Queen were married again, and lived contentedly to their happy end.

* * *
@Baybreeze yes. That's why this folk story resonated with me.

I think it started with the death of my dad while my mum was pregnant with me. I think I was exposed to a lot of stress that really made me try to minimise my existence really. I would always choose the least expensive icecream for example.

My mum married abusive men and herself was a very dominating personality. She never really grew up. So she was the one who demanded attention and validation from us, rather than the other way around.

I was called a drama queen and relentlessly mocked.

If my stepfather had a bad day he'd get violent, and mum would justify it based on micro crimes we had commited.

To this day I have no real firm desires for myself. I tend to try to please others. Learning to say no was physically painful.

I would often drive myself into exhaustion because I couldn't read my own limits.

People around me even ignored or invalidated real physical diseases and events like operations for severe endometiosis. I felt invisible, and didn't know when to push through and when to rest.

So yes, sister, I understand.
Baybreeze · 41-45, F
@PlatonicSquirelFriends I'm sorry you went through it too 😔 I don't get how anyone could treat people that horribly. Have you tried therapy? May I ask your age?
@Baybreeze one thing it took me a long time to learn is that other people don't think the same as me. I would tell people where I was vulnerable, for example, thinking they'd be more careful. I didn't realise I was handing them a weapon.

I tried therapy but I get retraumatised by talk therapy. I find nature and walks most healing for me.

I'm about a decade older.
Sapio · 51-55, M
Yes, back when I craved a sense of belonging.
JSul3 · 70-79
I'm terribly sorry that you had those experiences.

One thing I know for certain, you have a good ❤. That fact alone shows that you are a kind, loving and compassionate person.

Please know that you are not alone.
You are worthy and entitled to being given love and respect.

I wish you the best that life has to offer!

You've got this!
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ninalanyon · 70-79, T
I did. Then a rather significant event happened in my life and I found it necessary to reinvent myself, to rediscover myself. Now, ten years later I am much more myself and I have a much better idea of who I am.

Without that traumatic event i don't know if I ever would have done that.
Justmeraeagain · 56-60, F
I feel that I've lost myself along the way I need to Rediscover who I am.
CrazyMusicLover · 31-35
More like that I don't know what I want anymore.
GoFish ·
sometimes people don't know who and what they are.. self awareness isn't always accurate at times either idk live and learn i guess
uncalled4 · 56-60, M
No, but what you mention seems typical of narc abuse. You weren't permitted to know yourself, you were there to serve the needs of the insatiable. That was grossly unfair to you.
ElyssTTTrucks · 100+, M
@uncalled4 Agreed.

 
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