Call me a hopeless romantic, call me an idiot
So 3 years ago I met a guy, same as me (now 29). We met online; it turned out we had gone to high school and all of elementary school together. We were on the same swim team in high school and even rode the same bus home together. We didn't know each other then, but learned we had always been around one another... we didn't meet until nearly 10 years after high school.
I don't know how I got sucked into a relationship with him, but it's all my own doing. He messaged me on Instagram, and we ended up meeting at a coffee shop down the street. Turns out we had not only attended the same schools, but we lived 3 blocks away from each other. It was so exciting, felt like a movie... I fear I romanticized it far too much simply because it felt kind of magical. Whatever that meant.
When I met him, I remember liking how much taller than me he was, and how he spoke with such a calm demeanor. He was serious, just like I am with most acquaintances. About two dates in, I noticed all he really spoke about was work, but I was interested. I like that he was nerdy and knew a lot about random things, especially current events. Around the third date, though, as he spoke about work, I wondered if I would continue this. Idk, but by then he was calling and texting me to hang out--I mean, we only live a 3-minute drive away from each other.
Since then, we've been inseparable. 3 years later, and man, somehow this guy is the worst and best person to love. Like most relationships, things were incredible at the beginning. We were all over each other; he was always calling me, I was always calling him. We'd have an argument, he'd stay silent, and then the next day it was as if nothing had happened. (This became the pattern the following two years.
Somehow the disrespect and the lack of reconciliation on his end were never enough to get me to leave. I was always caught up on how many special moments we had together (so I thought). He loved my dog and helped me out with her vet bills; he spent many dinners with my family, many birthdays, and I spent so many more with his family. I met his friends, his coworkers, classmates, pastor, old friends, cousins, you name it.
We had become part of one another's lives — his mom's boss personally invites me to BBQ me, his mom's bs and outings whenever this guy I love is invited.
I think it's been unfair. I remember always feeling like I was never enough for him to give me the attention I desired, to smother me in kisses and embrace, to compliment me. It's weird. I spent a good part of our time together feeling like I wasn't pretty enough, especially after finding that he would watch porn or look at the same girls on Instagram. They looked nothing like me.
So what did I do? I got lip filler... (which actually doesn't look bad at all). Thankfully, I didn't do anything more, but I spent so much time and energy wondering what was wrong with me. Why, if it was me who his friends and family like. Maybe they were just being nice, but his friends and family always boasted about me, but he just wouldn't.
And so I'd ask. I'd ask him why, and I'd bring up the online girls. I learned that with him, I'd have to ask for anything I wanted, so I did. Eventually, I was met with just silence and excuse after excuse. It was always my fault that he was becoming distant; it was my fault that he would block me because when I realized he tried cheating, I tried to confront him so many different ways to understand why. He blocked me because I wouldn't leave him alone, and he tried cheating because he wanted to leave me, he'd say.
Sounds silly when I write it out, and it's embarrassing, but this isn't even a quarter of it all. The amount of b.s I dealt with because I, for some stupid reason, believed he was different. Because how could a guy with such religious and strict parents be so morally bankrupt? How could a man who is so rigid in public to maintain his public image, how could he risk that image by being so fucked up to the woman everyone knows to be his partner?
I guess I figured that because all of the people who know him know and seem to really like me, he would see me too. He used to. He used to take and post photos of us all the time; he'd compliment me, he'd always ask me to hang out. He still asks me to spend time together, but it's a lot less now.
I used to ask him quite often when we'd look into marriage, since he had brought it up and even swore he had a financial plan just to get my engagement ring. I should've known it was all a lie. I mean, I don't doubt he meant it at some point, but my goodness, you don't really expect someone who is working toward such a commitment with you to leave you high and dry because you won't stop bringing up the same "issues."
Apparently it was my fault that he kept pushing off the engagement, so he told me yesterday. Because all I do is argue and bring up the same bullshit (all of the unresolved relationship strain he caused btw), and apparently I antagonize him and attack his character (when it's actually just me saying what he did out loud). It's such a mind fuck. I don't get it, but for the last few months I've started to realize that it isn't my fault that he reacts and responds the way he does.
I won't say I'm perfect and that I don't contribute to the relationship strain, but I always worked toward resolution. Whereas he would desperately seek alternatives and even tried cheating with someone twice his age... like, it was literally an ugly situation and made me realize how deep the issue was with him trying to avoid any unpleasant feelings. No disrespect to this woman he was trying to bang, but it didn't make sense why he made me feel undesirable, yet lusted over such hot young women online and was trying to bang a woman that could be mistaken for an overweight, much older drug addict in booty shorts.
I don't remember what the argument that triggered that attempt was about, but it's the same story in a different font. I've learned that he drowns out the feelings that I "burden" him with; he becomes overwhelmed and feels criticized when I bring up anything, so he either gets drunk and tries to get laid by chicks at bars he hides at when I'm trying to confront him, or tries to reach out to old and failed romances to get laid.
This all sounds disgusting, and unfortunately I don't wonder enough why I hate myself enough to hope it'll change for the better.
This morning, I was feeling confident about cutting ties with him. I realized that all he has promised me, all we had built--the memories, the relationships and plans we had for a future together was all a lie. There's no way any of it would continue successfully with someone like him. With someone who turns his back on me anytime he feels overwhelmed... how am I supposed to live life next to someone like that? To bring children into a situation where dad would tell them to shut up and leave him alone whenever they're crying or need comfort?
It's so weird that I forget, though. I forget just how badly he responds and how there is zero emotional safety at this point. All he does is lie.
I told him two days ago that it felt like we were drifting apart. He responds, "I don't feel that way babe." So I left it as is.
Two days later, I try to bring up how distant we've become, and he blames me, tells me I have a shitty attitude, blocks me and tells me that "this" is why he's been pushing off our engagement. Because, how could he possibly live the rest of his life being stressed out by someone so needy?
It's crazy, I know it is and I don't know why the hell I forget. I thought I was completely free of this but now I find myself hoping for the same shit
I don't know how I got sucked into a relationship with him, but it's all my own doing. He messaged me on Instagram, and we ended up meeting at a coffee shop down the street. Turns out we had not only attended the same schools, but we lived 3 blocks away from each other. It was so exciting, felt like a movie... I fear I romanticized it far too much simply because it felt kind of magical. Whatever that meant.
When I met him, I remember liking how much taller than me he was, and how he spoke with such a calm demeanor. He was serious, just like I am with most acquaintances. About two dates in, I noticed all he really spoke about was work, but I was interested. I like that he was nerdy and knew a lot about random things, especially current events. Around the third date, though, as he spoke about work, I wondered if I would continue this. Idk, but by then he was calling and texting me to hang out--I mean, we only live a 3-minute drive away from each other.
Since then, we've been inseparable. 3 years later, and man, somehow this guy is the worst and best person to love. Like most relationships, things were incredible at the beginning. We were all over each other; he was always calling me, I was always calling him. We'd have an argument, he'd stay silent, and then the next day it was as if nothing had happened. (This became the pattern the following two years.
Somehow the disrespect and the lack of reconciliation on his end were never enough to get me to leave. I was always caught up on how many special moments we had together (so I thought). He loved my dog and helped me out with her vet bills; he spent many dinners with my family, many birthdays, and I spent so many more with his family. I met his friends, his coworkers, classmates, pastor, old friends, cousins, you name it.
We had become part of one another's lives — his mom's boss personally invites me to BBQ me, his mom's bs and outings whenever this guy I love is invited.
I think it's been unfair. I remember always feeling like I was never enough for him to give me the attention I desired, to smother me in kisses and embrace, to compliment me. It's weird. I spent a good part of our time together feeling like I wasn't pretty enough, especially after finding that he would watch porn or look at the same girls on Instagram. They looked nothing like me.
So what did I do? I got lip filler... (which actually doesn't look bad at all). Thankfully, I didn't do anything more, but I spent so much time and energy wondering what was wrong with me. Why, if it was me who his friends and family like. Maybe they were just being nice, but his friends and family always boasted about me, but he just wouldn't.
And so I'd ask. I'd ask him why, and I'd bring up the online girls. I learned that with him, I'd have to ask for anything I wanted, so I did. Eventually, I was met with just silence and excuse after excuse. It was always my fault that he was becoming distant; it was my fault that he would block me because when I realized he tried cheating, I tried to confront him so many different ways to understand why. He blocked me because I wouldn't leave him alone, and he tried cheating because he wanted to leave me, he'd say.
Sounds silly when I write it out, and it's embarrassing, but this isn't even a quarter of it all. The amount of b.s I dealt with because I, for some stupid reason, believed he was different. Because how could a guy with such religious and strict parents be so morally bankrupt? How could a man who is so rigid in public to maintain his public image, how could he risk that image by being so fucked up to the woman everyone knows to be his partner?
I guess I figured that because all of the people who know him know and seem to really like me, he would see me too. He used to. He used to take and post photos of us all the time; he'd compliment me, he'd always ask me to hang out. He still asks me to spend time together, but it's a lot less now.
I used to ask him quite often when we'd look into marriage, since he had brought it up and even swore he had a financial plan just to get my engagement ring. I should've known it was all a lie. I mean, I don't doubt he meant it at some point, but my goodness, you don't really expect someone who is working toward such a commitment with you to leave you high and dry because you won't stop bringing up the same "issues."
Apparently it was my fault that he kept pushing off the engagement, so he told me yesterday. Because all I do is argue and bring up the same bullshit (all of the unresolved relationship strain he caused btw), and apparently I antagonize him and attack his character (when it's actually just me saying what he did out loud). It's such a mind fuck. I don't get it, but for the last few months I've started to realize that it isn't my fault that he reacts and responds the way he does.
I won't say I'm perfect and that I don't contribute to the relationship strain, but I always worked toward resolution. Whereas he would desperately seek alternatives and even tried cheating with someone twice his age... like, it was literally an ugly situation and made me realize how deep the issue was with him trying to avoid any unpleasant feelings. No disrespect to this woman he was trying to bang, but it didn't make sense why he made me feel undesirable, yet lusted over such hot young women online and was trying to bang a woman that could be mistaken for an overweight, much older drug addict in booty shorts.
I don't remember what the argument that triggered that attempt was about, but it's the same story in a different font. I've learned that he drowns out the feelings that I "burden" him with; he becomes overwhelmed and feels criticized when I bring up anything, so he either gets drunk and tries to get laid by chicks at bars he hides at when I'm trying to confront him, or tries to reach out to old and failed romances to get laid.
This all sounds disgusting, and unfortunately I don't wonder enough why I hate myself enough to hope it'll change for the better.
This morning, I was feeling confident about cutting ties with him. I realized that all he has promised me, all we had built--the memories, the relationships and plans we had for a future together was all a lie. There's no way any of it would continue successfully with someone like him. With someone who turns his back on me anytime he feels overwhelmed... how am I supposed to live life next to someone like that? To bring children into a situation where dad would tell them to shut up and leave him alone whenever they're crying or need comfort?
It's so weird that I forget, though. I forget just how badly he responds and how there is zero emotional safety at this point. All he does is lie.
I told him two days ago that it felt like we were drifting apart. He responds, "I don't feel that way babe." So I left it as is.
Two days later, I try to bring up how distant we've become, and he blames me, tells me I have a shitty attitude, blocks me and tells me that "this" is why he's been pushing off our engagement. Because, how could he possibly live the rest of his life being stressed out by someone so needy?
It's crazy, I know it is and I don't know why the hell I forget. I thought I was completely free of this but now I find myself hoping for the same shit
26-30, FNew
