my dad has been on my mind a lot lately, and i’ve found myself grieving him in a way that is so complicated.

i can’t stop thinking about him. i’ve been looking back through old videos and pictures, and seeing little moments of him has brought up so many emotions.

the hardest part is that we didn’t always have a good relationship. he was neglectful in a lot of ways, and there were so many things he did wrong throughout my childhood that hurt me deeply. the final straw was when he made such ugly, racist comments about my unborn daughter. i made the decision to completely cut him off in 2023 before she was born because of those comments, and because of that, they never got the chance to meet.

grieving someone like him is so hard. it’s so complicated. it’s sadness, anger, hurt, disappointment, and a million other feelings that i don’t even know how to put into words.

i look at my friends and cousins who have incredible relationships with their dads, and i’d be lying if i said i don’t get jealous sometimes. i see the love, the bond, the memories they have, and i wish i could’ve had that with mine.

i think that’s the hardest part… grieving not only the person, but also the relationship i always wished we could have had.