Have you ever felt you had no Self?

From trauma, abuse, orr experiences...your Sense of Self was at near zero..?

I just was thinking of my childhood and how the horror of it has dictated and led into my adulthood. How my mind began numbing out memories or parts of life, and over the years, it numbed out ME. That I'm some piece of trash floating around in life.

I have interests and likes but I'm referring to having a VOICE. Feeling you have some sort of pride in even a smidgeon of your life.
Feeling you can speak up and take up SPACE.
Growing up my parent would scream in my face that I have no right to talk, and the looks of disgust if I even stood in a room, made me believe I should barely even have a right to Live. It's extremely difficult trying to heal it ..

If you've experienced anything like this and found healing, how did you do so,?

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EldritchFox · 41-45, F

Yeah. I'm figuring it out. Had to let someone hurt me one last time.

HikingMan · 51-55, M

I’ve had more moments without a voice than I think I ever had with one.

But wherever I was I knew I was taking up space.

Out of close to 6 decades of living, I am fortunate to have at least 2.5 decades where my voice mattered and some of the space I took up made a difference in the lives of others in a positive way.

But even knowing that, I still judge myself unkindly when the lights go out and I try to lay my head to rest.

I can’t say I’m healed, but I will say that I’ve gained some understanding and clarity about it all.

Life is hard and it’s not very fair to most of us. The people who think it was fair to them were most likely on the high end of the speculum and never had to face the razors edge.

My father was an abusive drunk.
My mother divorced him and was granted custody of all 5 of us kids.
She told the judge she couldn’t handle the 2 boys.
I spent 3 of my formative years in foster homes where I was beaten, mentally abused, and once a guy tried to sexually abuse me.

I’m not even sure how my brother and I survived it all, but we did.

And that’s life for almost everyone in a way.
We survived some bullshit that we couldn’t control and now here we are as adults trying to survive the stupid fucking memories that we buried and try not to ever recall.

Something my grandfather told me when I was a teenager was
“Robert, no matter how bad you think you have it, there are people going through much worse.”

It made little sense to me then.
It makes all the sense to me now.

I’m 9 sessions in to my therapy of 12 sessions, and then I’ll be back at trying to be better adjusted on my own.

There’s no real healing it all.
The scar tissue is there and it will remain.
I think it’s about some form of acceptance and finding a way to let ourselves know that most of it wasn’t really our fault.

Realizing that we can’t change what happened but we can move on and become the type of people that don’t do shit that causes shit for other people to contemplate in their future the way we do.

I’m sorry for everything you’ve ever been through that was unkind and I hope you wake up tomorrow to clearer skies inside your mind.

That shit wasn’t yours. It was just packed into your suitcase for you to carry by people who had shit packed into their suitcases.

I hope you find a way to unpack.

Peace.

Be well
Live happy
Keep trying,
Rob

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HikingMan · 51-55, M

You do just fine my friend.
Of that I’m sure
And if you don’t believe me
I could say it once more

Life is quite cruel
It doesn’t like to be kind
But it gave you to me as a friend
And I think that’s just fine

You’re a cool person
And I’m glad that you’re here
I’m happy to know you
And you’ve brought me some cheer

You granted me smiles
That I didn’t expect
And that proves that you’re good
No matter what you suspect…

Baybreeze · 41-45, F

@HikingMan I appreciate your thoughtful reply Hiking🌻 I'm sorry of your horrible experience you had too growing up. You are truly such a KIND soul, so many who may have gone through a very experience are abrasive and bitter. But I think it's those who know severe hardship have such endearing personalities.
Thank you for your kindness 🌹

HikingMan · 51-55, M

@Baybreeze my point was, healing is a thing not to be found, but created.

You’re healing now and will heal further just by being kind and by living in a somewhat happy, positive way.

There are no silver bullets to slay the werewolves of our past.

There is just us and our ways of dealing with the memories.

Your trials were every bit as harmful as mine to a growing soul.

Thank you for being you.

GoFish ·

No i always had a self tho i may gave lost what that was for awhile .. i think i am getting it back… i hope you can find wholeness too *hugs*

DancingStarGoddess ·

I'll have to come back to elaborate on this later but my short answer is yes. Since my first memory really.

cherny

I felt that way for a long time
But I also rebelled against that feeling ...I was determined to not let anyone or anything make me feel like that again ...however with that goes with pushing people away when I get a hint of " they are going to hurt me in some way " I've always been guarded and detached in many ways ...it's a coping mechanism and for protection

Shyguy1992 · 31-35, MNew

Yes spent a long time being what others wanted me to be till I was nothing more than a shell they could pick what to do with.
Taken a long time to unpick all of the trauma

Munumbis · 46-50, M

Yeah I grew up kind of like that too. Not a good way to start out. Not sure of everything it did to me.

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