I've had several major personal, psychological breakthroughs
I understand the old version of myself, the patterns I've been unconsciously living out for a decade or longer. My nervous system was wired for emotional intensity, highs and lows, constant vigilance.
I had a core belief that I had to earn love from other people, that I wasn't good enough by myself. I lived in constant analysis and anticipation, my nervous system was on overdrive.
I learned from a young age at some point that if I impress, anticipate and analyse then I'm safe. But living like that has been exhausting.
The emotional numbness I felt? The huge lows, anxious attachment?. All related to the same pattern I never realised.
This last week after a month of painful self analysis and honesty, genuine healing and release, I'm myself for the first time in god knows how long.
It almost feels like empty space, my mind is quiet, I felt genuinely happy for the first time in years, I have clarity, im more thoughtful and just happy sharing my thoughts with others, not caring about how it comes across. I actually feel secure.
It's strange though, I've left an old identity behind and it's like I'm more myself but barely anybody, I'm rediscovering who I am for the first time in a long time and that's going to take time.
I had a core belief that I had to earn love from other people, that I wasn't good enough by myself. I lived in constant analysis and anticipation, my nervous system was on overdrive.
I learned from a young age at some point that if I impress, anticipate and analyse then I'm safe. But living like that has been exhausting.
The emotional numbness I felt? The huge lows, anxious attachment?. All related to the same pattern I never realised.
This last week after a month of painful self analysis and honesty, genuine healing and release, I'm myself for the first time in god knows how long.
It almost feels like empty space, my mind is quiet, I felt genuinely happy for the first time in years, I have clarity, im more thoughtful and just happy sharing my thoughts with others, not caring about how it comes across. I actually feel secure.
It's strange though, I've left an old identity behind and it's like I'm more myself but barely anybody, I'm rediscovering who I am for the first time in a long time and that's going to take time.
