Slowly finding a cure for heart longing

I remember being in your bedroom. the walls had a golden glow. this glow reflected in your eyes. that smile made me melt. we kissed. we embraced. your scent felt so serene. we had our own routine. I loved being with you and you giving us a chance for romance. you looked so handsome and I couldn't believe I was allowed by the universe to have someone like you--a dream boat...From you I could of had two more, from there a couple others...I admit I saw what it was about.. maybe I can just have whomever I choose but I chose you... I want to hear that im chosen... I guess now I realize I want to be chosen everyday.. you chose me many times. why didn't you stay? it haunts me all these years..you gave me life--I learned how to breath deep with life. I learned to live...you gave me a meaning I didn't have one on my own... It filled me this way for a decade...do I have meaning on my own now?...what do I mean?.. I still want you...but what I really want is I want to be loved I want to be chosen I want to be admired I want to feel like a princess...you gave me life but guess you were never capable to give me more.... what is capacity? why do some people have it while others flounder about? if someone doesn't show their capacity to one person do they ever show it to another? is capacity meant for a select few, or do they go about life reaching full capacity at every door to every home; no one special; nothing saved; just "full capacity" for everyone, but each slightly different, but the same ending...An End...then on to the next one-- to stir. Oh here's "full capacity"---byee. Again. And again...maybe you are the one who doesn't feel special enough to stay?... I may never understand. I would if you explained. im only hurt because im left in the dark...im left on repeat bc I don't have an ending for you. I want to fall back into yesterday, when your scent smelled so sweet.