what can you do when you 'imagine' things that torment you
like i have this reoccurring fixation or maybe 'fantasy' about what will happen after i eventually pass.
i worry & have the idea or fantasy that women and guys will ' get off ' sexually over it, that my passing will turn some women and men on erotically, and they will have erotic sex behind their closed doors? - thinking that idea makes me feel really angry, as i don't want people to do that....but i can't control what people do or control what they get up to.
i think i get this idea because in reality, in the past, whenever something bad happened to me, ( usually because of my own fault with anger outbursts at people and public conduct problems) - i was violently attacked a lot of times by other lads or men, and overpowered and publicly humiliated in front of crowds of people in public places, and i vividly remember at the time seeing women giggling or laughing who saw this happen to me, and i remember they had ' erotic expressions' on their faces?? they happened to be white women who did this, i'm also white myself - but at he time this happened to me, it really angered me and i felt really outraged and confused by their reactions as well?
so that's where i get this fixation from what people will do when i'm no longer around, and i worry about it as i said, because i don't want people to do that....but what can i do???? i can't stop them can i?
does anybody get what i said here or can give some reassuring words or advice? if so, it'll be much appreciated, thanks!
i worry & have the idea or fantasy that women and guys will ' get off ' sexually over it, that my passing will turn some women and men on erotically, and they will have erotic sex behind their closed doors? - thinking that idea makes me feel really angry, as i don't want people to do that....but i can't control what people do or control what they get up to.
i think i get this idea because in reality, in the past, whenever something bad happened to me, ( usually because of my own fault with anger outbursts at people and public conduct problems) - i was violently attacked a lot of times by other lads or men, and overpowered and publicly humiliated in front of crowds of people in public places, and i vividly remember at the time seeing women giggling or laughing who saw this happen to me, and i remember they had ' erotic expressions' on their faces?? they happened to be white women who did this, i'm also white myself - but at he time this happened to me, it really angered me and i felt really outraged and confused by their reactions as well?
so that's where i get this fixation from what people will do when i'm no longer around, and i worry about it as i said, because i don't want people to do that....but what can i do???? i can't stop them can i?
does anybody get what i said here or can give some reassuring words or advice? if so, it'll be much appreciated, thanks!
46-50, M
