I don't know how to approach this issue with my sister
My sister and I live in different cities. Since summer she's been dating this man and I got to meet him last month. Pretty quickly he admitted that when he was freshly adult (10 years ago), he had decided to go to the military. Whilst he was serving, they had orders to shoot at migrants coming illegally into the country.
He said he doesn't know if he killed anybody, but he did follow the order. After that he quit this career and didn't want anything to do with the army.
However when I told him quitting means he wanted to become a better person and that realizing how wrong it was means that there is progress in his conscience, he disagreed, telling me that if he was to take the same order again under certain circumstances he would do it again. He agrees that the military propagandizes (young) people into doing these crimes but I don't know exactly what he was trying to say.
Now the problem is, I know my sister's views and values and I know this is something she is against.
There was another time after that when he told me "There are things I did in the army that your sister doesn't know about". After this conversation, I was wondering, besides killing migrants with your bullets, what worse could you possibly do? But during that we were drunk at the club and I left it at that.
After this meeting, my sister and I were in the bathroom taking our makeup off and I told her (about her partner) "I don't know, he's weird". Immediately she started crying saying how she doesn't know how to feel about all that, how she would never think to be with someone who has done such things proudly, how she loves him and she doesn't have the "strength" to ask him more about these things because she doesn't want to have any reasons to leave him. And the worst is that she doesn't know if he's a different person now than back then.
I asked her why does she love him, what has he done for her (they were together essentially for just 4-5 months, but they didn't know each other before, it's like after the first 3 dates they decided to be together which doesn't sit that well with me but he's been treating her very well and making her happy) and she told me that I wouldn't understand but she actually does love him and it's different than anything she's felt before.
After that I kinda regretted causing that reaction, I know my opinion matters a lot to her and I didn't want to seem like I disapprove of someone who makes her so happy. I apologized and told her I should look at his perspective with more empathy, that it could be any man, most men would have done what he did under the same circumstances etc. But she told me that she's been carrying this weight in her heart ever since he told her about this incident and that I'm the only one who would understand because her and I think alike.
Since we were pretty drunk, I tried to comfort her, told her to forget about it and if she wants to talk about it again she can reach out.
It's been more than a month and she hasn't said anything about that, she sleeps with him, seems like she's in love like she was.
I'm afraid to open any conversation about this issue with her again, I can't bear to make her sad and doubtful.
When my mother asked me what I think about my sister's boyfriend I just said "I don't know what to think" but I didn't want to say anything, she did get that I'm hesitant about him and wants to know why though.
I'm afraid to mess this up for my sister but I don't want her ending up in a relationship where she feels uneasy. I'm afraid because I feel like he wants to move fast with her and for some reason she's giving him that access, that right, which isn't something she typically does.
But in my mind I feel like I'm the one holding her hostage to my ideals, my values, my opinions and I don't want to keep her sheltered. I just want her to know that she can come to me whenever she's in need.
He said he doesn't know if he killed anybody, but he did follow the order. After that he quit this career and didn't want anything to do with the army.
However when I told him quitting means he wanted to become a better person and that realizing how wrong it was means that there is progress in his conscience, he disagreed, telling me that if he was to take the same order again under certain circumstances he would do it again. He agrees that the military propagandizes (young) people into doing these crimes but I don't know exactly what he was trying to say.
Now the problem is, I know my sister's views and values and I know this is something she is against.
There was another time after that when he told me "There are things I did in the army that your sister doesn't know about". After this conversation, I was wondering, besides killing migrants with your bullets, what worse could you possibly do? But during that we were drunk at the club and I left it at that.
After this meeting, my sister and I were in the bathroom taking our makeup off and I told her (about her partner) "I don't know, he's weird". Immediately she started crying saying how she doesn't know how to feel about all that, how she would never think to be with someone who has done such things proudly, how she loves him and she doesn't have the "strength" to ask him more about these things because she doesn't want to have any reasons to leave him. And the worst is that she doesn't know if he's a different person now than back then.
I asked her why does she love him, what has he done for her (they were together essentially for just 4-5 months, but they didn't know each other before, it's like after the first 3 dates they decided to be together which doesn't sit that well with me but he's been treating her very well and making her happy) and she told me that I wouldn't understand but she actually does love him and it's different than anything she's felt before.
After that I kinda regretted causing that reaction, I know my opinion matters a lot to her and I didn't want to seem like I disapprove of someone who makes her so happy. I apologized and told her I should look at his perspective with more empathy, that it could be any man, most men would have done what he did under the same circumstances etc. But she told me that she's been carrying this weight in her heart ever since he told her about this incident and that I'm the only one who would understand because her and I think alike.
Since we were pretty drunk, I tried to comfort her, told her to forget about it and if she wants to talk about it again she can reach out.
It's been more than a month and she hasn't said anything about that, she sleeps with him, seems like she's in love like she was.
I'm afraid to open any conversation about this issue with her again, I can't bear to make her sad and doubtful.
When my mother asked me what I think about my sister's boyfriend I just said "I don't know what to think" but I didn't want to say anything, she did get that I'm hesitant about him and wants to know why though.
I'm afraid to mess this up for my sister but I don't want her ending up in a relationship where she feels uneasy. I'm afraid because I feel like he wants to move fast with her and for some reason she's giving him that access, that right, which isn't something she typically does.
But in my mind I feel like I'm the one holding her hostage to my ideals, my values, my opinions and I don't want to keep her sheltered. I just want her to know that she can come to me whenever she's in need.
