Wanted.

You're very right Lily, I can agree with all of that, but... it doesn't matter when no one wants to give you that time, or that chance to be discovered. Hmm. Belonging to a group does sound nice. It might improve my chances. It's hard to say for sure but that makes sense. I wish I could tell the future though. I'm so doubtful of it. If I knew I would find love in the end I would never complain another day of my life, but I don't know that. I could die alone for all I know and that seems much more likely.

@Conscience:
You're heading in the right direction by checking in on some groups that reflect a genuine interest and passion. And absolutely it will improve your chances of meeting a girl. When people participate in a cause or a labor of love they are immediately sharing an emotion...a passion...that with time can spill over to deeper friendships.

Try it out, Conscience. Don't walk in expecting a guarantee....it's too much pressure on both you and the group. Just have fun, be generous, be kind.....which takes the edge off being needy and insecure.

As my grandma likes to say (we are Southerners) "Darlin' you throw in a little patience and kindness in the works and that's more bait wigglin' on the hook a pretty lookin' hungry trout can't pass up!"

@lily88mercy: I always said there's never any guarantees and there's always exceptions. I get the idea that value comes to those who bring value to themselves and it's nice to think we can always do that to help but at least in my experience? It never did. It didn't change anything and it's been that way my entire life. I think the problem is my patience has just run out so I've been trying to find ways to accept it, but that hasn't been working so well. My patience just left when I started seeing that I need to have way more than anyone else and nothing is certain. Nothing. I could find love, but I also couldn't. So I've just been trying my best to prepare for the worst but I can't accept the worst. No matter how hard I try. I just wish I didn't care. I wish romance didn't matter to me. Then my life would be set because I can have anything else I want. I've proved that.

@Conscience:
My lord, I get it now. You're despondent. All gassed out. It's futile. Pointless...why go on?

If you were in court waiting for a sentence to be handed down you'd be arguing with the Judge to add torture before the hanging....and all he wanted to do was give ya a $50.00 fine and a weekend pickin' up papers along a highway.

So this reminds of the story my uncle once told me when he and his old college buddy were surfing along the coast of Australia when they were lads around your age. They're sitting on their boards waitin' for a beauty of a wave to come in when all of a sudden a huge dorsal fin knifes the water between them. It's a great white shark, must be to his reckon'n at least twenty feet long.

His buddy takes a long look at the fin circling back and groans, "Oh Fuck, we're dead!" and faints. My uncle, who is, by the way, a Marine Corp Lieutenant on leave, gulps and says, "Holy Mother of God, that's one frickin' big beast!" as he sees the great white lining up with his mouth agape, all 4 rows of four inch long teeth on display ready to chomp down on his leg.

This makes him more mad than a cat with a string of firecrackers poppin' off his tail and being who he is, a Devil Dog and all, smacks the shark on the snout as hard as he can, not once but one hay maker after another until his knuckles are scraped raw and bloody smacking the tough sandpaper skin of the shark.

To his surprise the shark shuts his mouth and swims off. Takes his sweet time doin' it like he's sayin' "Yer too skinny anyways...ain't worth my time."

He grabs his friend who's slumped on his board, wakes him up and they paddle to shore to have a couple of beers to ease the trauma. An old guy walks up to my uncle and tells him that he saw the whole thing and that what he did by instinct was the right thing to do. Sharks are alpha predators but what they want are victims. Somethin' to get all scared shitless and thrash around. As tough as they are they don't want to make a fight of it unless they're desperate hungry.

I think this story is a pretty fair analogy to where you are right now, Mr. Conscience. Only the shark in this instance is your thinking. Your beliefs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can drum up one hundred years of evidence of "tried this, done that, and I lose my paycheck every Friday shootin' craps because Mama Luck won't ever give me a break."

But the thing is ... it's you who's declarin' the fight is over! And if you're gonna do that...well then, shit and shinola, you might as well as crawl into a closet and get into a fetal position and rock yourself to sleep and never come out again.

Smackin' that shark of negativity and despair is gonna take energy and a whole lot of jumpin' into unknown waters.

I can't think of anyone who could use more than you (at this moment) the help of some old masters of re-arranging your thinking and beliefs and mustering up the courage and perseverance to keep whackin' away until something does change....inside you...forget about romance and some tender honey lookin' at you like a love sick puppy. You have to change you first. Believe in you ... first.

My last bit of advice to you is to go check out these old masters, guys like Tony Robbins or Wayne Dyer. Louise Hays publishing has other folks like them on her website as well.

Conscience, I really do with all sincerity wish you the best....but I also know that this is somethin' you're gonna have to fight for and there's no one gonna help you until you make a decision to step into the ring with the gloves on.

Good luck to you!

@lily88mercy: I absolutely adore your dialect by the way. Your southern accent. It's very charming. 😊 You're also great at telling stories. I enjoyed reading that. You're not wrong either. I understand this and I believe in the happiness is a choice concept. I just have to find some part of me that thinks life without love is worth it. I have times where I just don't believe so. Fighting has never been hard for me. As I said earlier I've proven that I can have anything else I want because I'm so good at fighting and never giving up. That's something I pride myself on, is my accomplishments in that regard. There's only one thing I don't have, and that's love. That's actually what I always fought for, but that's only set me up for disappointment it seems. Perhaps I should fight for something else. Direct my effort towards my passions instead of my desires. That'll probably make things easier on me. Less room to be let down... thank you so much for all of your caring and thoughtful responses! You've actually helped me feel a little better about things and people don't do that for me often. Not when I get this bad. You've made a difference for me. I often tell myself the things you have told me, but sometimes you just need to hear it from someone else.

[i][c=#7700B2]I just have to find some part of me that thinks life without love is worth it.[/c][/i]

Ok, I'm not gettin' through to you, and maybe that's part my fault with the shark story.

It's not about the things you do.

It's about the BEING who you are.

The sun never thinks about is it hot enough to warm up a planet so things can grow.

A mother doesn't wait for her newborn infant to grow up to get a job before she loves it.

A cat doesn't look at an 8 foot fence and asks himself if he's got the stuff to run up it and sit on the rail. He does it.

A Marine doesn't think it's time to fold up the cards and say "I give up" because he and his pals are outnumbered and surrounded. He fights until there's nothin' left to fight or there's nothin' left of him that can fight.

If you are LOVE you don't wonder if you are worthy of it or when it's comin' around to kiss you back.

Now gettin' there...gettin' your mind right....it's a soul adjustment, Conscience.

Check out the dudes I referred to in the previous note.

@lily88mercy: That's what I meant about following my passions instead of love. That's being myself. I'll look those guys up if you really feel that I need to though.

@Conscience:
I support you whichever way you choose, Conscience. I'm encouraged by your sincerity and ability to talk about such a sensitive subject. Regarding looking up mentors....well....it's up to you. Please don't do it because I've learned a lot from listening to these guys. Do it if your curiosity for self-growth is tickled.

While I do like Tony Robbins, he's a little over the top for me much of the time...but I give him credit for his uncanny ability on how he pierces through the veil of our defenses, WOW! Wayne Dyer has a much gentler approach, he's more like having a chat with a very kind and loving uncle.

To get familiar with their work you might check out:

1- On Netflix: "Tony Robbins: I Am Not Your Guru" (2016)
2- On You Tube: "Mastering the Art of Manifesting" Wayne Dyer at Wanderlust's Speakeasy

Both men, including other speakers found at Louise Hay Publishing have many free vids on You Tube. Entire seminars - so money doesn't have to be an issue.

Good luck to you, Conscience....I'm pulling out my high school pom poms out of the closet and cheering for ya!