Where I Thought I'd Be

I don’t think I’m where I’m supposed to be in life.

It hits harder some days, especially when I see people I grew up with getting married, having kids, buying homes. Yeah, I know social media can be fake, and people only show the best parts… but still, it feels like they’re all moving forward. They’ve got roots, plans, people. And me? I feel stuck. Like I’ve missed some exit in life and now I don’t even know how to turn around.

Sometimes I catch myself wondering, if I had a different childhood, if I didn’t grow up with all that pain, would I be different now? Happier? In love? More stable? I only really know heartbreak, trauma, and disappointment. I don’t have many good memories to fall back on. Just a lot of surviving. A lot of pretending I’m okay.

Growing up, I never fit in. I always felt like an outsider. I still do. That feeling never really left. If anything, it just grew quieter and heavier.

And the older I get, the lonelier it feels.
Not just in the “I don’t have people” way, but in that deep, hard-to-explain kind of lonely. Like the kind where you’re in a room full of people but still feel invisible. Where no one sees you. No one gets it.
And when you speak, no one’s listening.
Most of the time, I feel like no one ever truly hears me out. Just brushed off, like my words never mattered much to begin with. So I stay quiet.

I used to tell myself, next year will be better.
Now I’m just trying to make it through the day without falling apart. I keep praying, hoping, holding on… but it’s getting harder to believe in things I can’t feel anymore.

This isn’t a cry for help. It’s just me being honest.
If nothing else, maybe writing this helps me get through tonight.

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Coralmist · 41-45, F

I literally thought I wrote this at the beginning. I have a few posts very similar. I watch old friends getting married, experiencing travel, having kids, etc. while I can barely get a job rn. I have chronic PTSD from excessive domestic violence growing up. It lasted even into adulthood. So I know WHY I'm not doing the things they are, but how do I get OUT of it??? YES it feels like you're stuck. It's a horrible feeling month after month and year after year. It's becoming exhausting inside to endure it, feeling I'm now not worthy of love ...who would stay with me?? So I feel your worries , LITERALLY.
IM GOing to try a new therapist , need someone interactive to give real healing tips.

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Coralmist · 41-45, F

@Infamous607 Thanks Infamous 🌷 It's so true, many start out and subsequently stay on a shiny nice track. When you get a dingy, old, rusted and broken track, it's no wonder I might not feel or be doing as well as others on the shiny one. But yes, we can't actually change it. That's a really HARD thing to accept. But if I can alter it's new path, even a bit, it would be just amazing. I don't ever truly accept myself because I still view myself as broken and therefore LESS than others. I play it small in every part of life because of that belief. But I appreciate your idea to really accept myself. Maybe things might be a bit better even a small percentage of I can say This is me and that me is Ok. 🌼
Thanks for sharing your story 🙂

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Coralmist · 41-45, F

@Infamous607 @Infamous607] The problem with me is I don't let ANY of my issues come out with people. They'd never be thinking it's too hard with me, they'd think it's too easy. I've been a doormat. But in say dating, some issues are sure to come out when I need to decline certain dates/activities. i fear a guy would surely go to greener pasture when he sees how my PTSD affects my life. I'm not that adventurous or travel. So it's not about feel sorry for myself it's that I feel inhuman most days. It absolutely breaks down your mind over time when you realize you have crippling anxiety and most others don't. I really want to get to the point you said , to say, I do matter. It's hard to believe you matter, when others will leave you because of your disability. But, it's probably fair to say maybe some will not leave. And I'll finally feel, I actually matter🍀

Infamous607 · 51-55, M

@Coralmist
You know??
Thats a lot to unpack there.. Look I don't know anything..
I'm telling you about what I have learned because I feel the same way.
You say you are not about to feel sorry for yourself but that's all you do on that whole message..
I'm not enough of that or I don't do a lot of that other thing and they're going to get bored and eat the other lady's grass.
Why not be what you are and like what you like and maybe The right person will see me.
All of that is you not accepting yourself and placing your value on some guy not liking you. Fuck him.

There are people like us everywhere, but they will never see us as long as we try to pass as something we are not to please others to make up for the love we didn't get and we feel we don't deserve

Is a dented cup worthless?? It is not. There are many people who would prefer the comfort of a cup with a dent in exactly the right place for his fingers. But He will pass right over it if that cup is trying to be a Gatorade bottle.

Anyway my friend,

That's just how it is.. just saying.

Coralmist · 41-45, F

@Infamous607 These are valid fears I have ....if a client came to a psychologist with horrible life crippling fears, they might not be healing if they say the client is "feeling sorry" for themselves. I'd equate sorry feeling with Oh darn I lost a promotion, or Oh man I didn't lose that extra five pounds this month . But discussing crippling fear I've had that is literally taking away my very life, is a bit different to me. I really liked you said, I'm placing my Value, on if a guy or someone else accepts me.
That hit me ... because it's true. I don't date at all for constantly fearing rejection. Thinking I know what a guy won't like about me. But it's true not many might feel like a catch, having so many issues. It's a fact many WILL maybe reject me. But I guess I need to fully Be ME even if I feel less, because SOME might not feel I'm less. Thank you 🌻

Coralmist · 41-45, F

@Coralmist I meant to also write I'm sorry you had negative foundation as well😟..it really can twist the mind over time to believe horrible things. That are lies however. It takes a lot of strength to override them but hey if philosophers say we are the Universe itself, and we know how powerful that is, then we have more power than we really know🌺

Infamous607 · 51-55, M

@Coralmist
It has nothing to do with your issues. Many, many, many , millions of people get rejected everyday and they have no emotional issues. Being rejected doesn't make you a leper that from now on has to hide in a cave . Getting rejected makes you human. That's life.
It's not your issues, we all have issues. It's you believing you're not good enough and that comes out thru you.
But even within your suffering you are comfortable. Because it's harder and scarier to change.
It's like having a rock in my shoe, I've had it for so long I'm used to it. When it starts to hurt I take some meds. Yeah it makes me walk funny and I'm always complaining about it.
But,
what if I take it out and nothing changes. What if I don't know how to walk right and I end up looking stupid? What if after all that they still don't like me.
No. I think I'll just keep it in there.

Look, change hurts, if anyone , doctor, therapist, Astrologist, priest, .. anyone... Tells you something that sounds easy and makes you feel good...is bullshit... Change takes courage. That's how we grow. And you pay for that growth with discomfort and pain.

But then. You'd be free.

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Coralmist · 41-45, F

@Infamous607 That's true, thank you. Many many people are or get rejected daily in this world, but it doesn't mean they're broken or a leper or defective or anything.. That's a good perspective. 🍀