I am shit and no one should have faith in me.

Every job I've ever had, people hated me. I'm just too impulsive and emotional and I get in moods and can't focus on work or deadlines or physically being somewhere at a specified time. My body constantly tells me that things are too scary or stressful or just not worth it. And when I do perform, it's just a vicious cycle of people hating me more and me getting worse at what I was already doing wrong.

I rarely admit this to people because there is so much importance put on this but I just don't have the energy or willpower to always physically show up somewhere at a specified time. Meaning I'm frequently late. idk why I do it. I just always have and never stopped. It's not built into me to "show up at 9am 5 days a week" or anything similar. When that obligation is placed on me it sticks in my mind 24/7 and exhausts me even in moments meant for rest. Like an intrusive thought or something. "You will fail when the time comes, you will fail when the time comes, you will fail when the time comes." And then I do. It eats away at my soul and my mind and it wears me out even in my sleep.

And even besides the being late thing, I've had brief periods where I could be reliable as far as punctuality goes but something else just gets in the way. It's just always something with me. Distraction, emotions, some haphazard dumb mistake, followed by another, and another, just by me being disorganized and forgetful or talking myself into a corner.

Nobody can rely on me. I'm mentally ill and lazy and selfish. I'm not thriving in this world. I'm failing and I'm too scared and irresponsible to overcome this.

There are people here I respect and admire very much and I want to be like them but I just can't. I'm not built for it.

This page is a permanent link to the reply below and its nested replies. See all post replies »

basilfawlty89 · 36-40, M

Are you neurodivergent by chance?

SinlessOnslaught · M

@basilfawlty89 Not diagnosed

basilfawlty89 · 36-40, M

@SinlessOnslaught it sounds like you could have ADHD. I'm no psychiatrist or clinical psychologist though.

If you do, you're not broken.
Your mind just works differently.
9 to 5 might be difficult, but you can accomplish more work than your coworkers in burst energy mode, you just a rest afterwards. People with ADHD engage in hyperfocus. And you can learn to improve executive functioning.

SinlessOnslaught · M

@basilfawlty89 That does sound a lot like me.

Saage · F

@basilfawlty89 I have ADHD, and this is all very true to me. I work with my natural flow, instead of against it. I accomplish as much as anyone else over the same period of time, granted it's long enough to even out (say a month).

I always work on more than one project at the time, as well, so that I can switch interests naturally.

It's super important to be able to set your own times, when you have ADHD. I have days when I can't do anything at all – instead of getting angry at myself and stalling endlessly, like I would in the past before I understood myself, I accept it and play video games the whole day; like magic, I can get back into work again the next day with no issue.

If however I beat myself up over not doing it, then it can take me weeks to get out of that mindset of doing nothing productive, but nothing enjoyable either.

For people with ADHD, it's very important to simply go with what feels natural. It works.

basilfawlty89 · 36-40, M

@Saage I am strongly suspected of having adult ADHD (inattentive variant), but had to stop therapy due to finances beginning of this year.

Saage · F

@basilfawlty89 Honestly you don't even need therapy to know you have ADHD once you know what ADHD is, because you struggled with it all your life, you know it better than anybody. Waste money on therapy only if you want the meds. I don't want them because I have addictive personality and I know I will take double/triple dose on boring days lol.

basilfawlty89 · 36-40, M

@Saage well, I have all the signs tbh.
More checking with a clinical psychologist ti be sure. Not a psychiatrist, as I'm not fond of the idea. I have diagnosed OCD, don't need more anxiety from stimulants.

Saage · F

@basilfawlty89 I had two friends with ADHD who took meds for it, they said it doesn't work like a stimulant if the dose is correct, only if they take more than their dose. If you stick to your dose I think it can actually make you have even less fun lol. I think it's good for getting things done like cleaning, but bad for creativity, but when like me you had it unmedicated for so long, changing how you work might be uncomfortable. You could always try it for a short period of time. To stay on top of things like cleaning without medication, I dedicate each day of the week to a different task, so Monday is kitchen cleaning day, Tuesday is loundry day, Thursday is cleaning the floors day etc. For some reason this system works really well for me.

SinlessOnslaught · M

@Saage @basilfawlty89 idk what I have but maybe researching psychological tools for ADHD might help me.

I'm struggling big time here.

basilfawlty89 · 36-40, M

@SinlessOnslaught this might help hopefully:

https://add.org/