I am shit and no one should have faith in me.

Every job I've ever had, people hated me. I'm just too impulsive and emotional and I get in moods and can't focus on work or deadlines or physically being somewhere at a specified time. My body constantly tells me that things are too scary or stressful or just not worth it. And when I do perform, it's just a vicious cycle of people hating me more and me getting worse at what I was already doing wrong.

I rarely admit this to people because there is so much importance put on this but I just don't have the energy or willpower to always physically show up somewhere at a specified time. Meaning I'm frequently late. idk why I do it. I just always have and never stopped. It's not built into me to "show up at 9am 5 days a week" or anything similar. When that obligation is placed on me it sticks in my mind 24/7 and exhausts me even in moments meant for rest. Like an intrusive thought or something. "You will fail when the time comes, you will fail when the time comes, you will fail when the time comes." And then I do. It eats away at my soul and my mind and it wears me out even in my sleep.

And even besides the being late thing, I've had brief periods where I could be reliable as far as punctuality goes but something else just gets in the way. It's just always something with me. Distraction, emotions, some haphazard dumb mistake, followed by another, and another, just by me being disorganized and forgetful or talking myself into a corner.

Nobody can rely on me. I'm mentally ill and lazy and selfish. I'm not thriving in this world. I'm failing and I'm too scared and irresponsible to overcome this.

There are people here I respect and admire very much and I want to be like them but I just can't. I'm not built for it.