I have this recurring thought…

@HowtoDestroyAngels thank you for your kindness. I am just struggling with my current situation of changing my pain medication and it’s causing my anxiety to go into thermonuclear meltdown mode. I’ve been babysitting my niece and nephews for the past few weeks and they are asleep in the next room and I don’t want to hurt them or my parents and my sister. I just don’t know how I’m going to get through the rest of my life. I’m struggling now and I know that it’s only going to get harder. Yesterday I saw a close family friend who is battling bladder cancer for the second time and I thought I couldn’t handle it if my mom was in the same situation. My parents are pretty healthy now but I worry about them and I know that it’s selfish of me to think but I don’t want to outlive them. I don’t feel equipped for life or capable enough to do it on my own. I’m sure that I wouldn’t be thinking this way if my pain wasn’t so out of control but it is and I am.

@RunTheJulz Every positive vibe that I can possibly muster is going out to you Julz. You have become what I consider a friend to me and I want you to have some relief today. If there is anything else that I can do for you, just let me know.

@HowtoDestroyAngels I appreciate you and I’m sorry for alarming you with my negative thoughts. Please know that I’m grateful for your friendship as well. I’m just scared. I’m in uncharted territory. Last night was difficult. I had a flare up of my eating disorder and that is just not a battle that I feel prepared for right now. Lately I’ve been describing my life as a failure more openly and often than I would like. I feel overwhelmed by just about everything. I’m not even sure how I’m going to make it to the end of this day. I guess I’ll just have to go minute by minute until I can envision making it hour by hour. I wish I was not so dependent upon Xanax and OxyCodone and Fentanyl for my pain and anxiety and escapism from my reality. My panic attacks have become so pronounced and intense. I’ve had to sit up in my bed and endure the minutes of feeling like I can’t breathe which feels like hours. I don’t know what to do anymore. (If I ever did?)

@DrawntoaDistance shark attacks are so incredibly rare. I have a better chance of getting struck by lightning and winning the lottery. I would probably get a cramp and end up getting washed back onto the beach knowing my luck. (I fail at most everything)

@RunTheJulz oh yikes.. my hub just has back pain.. just the knee stuff itself is painful tho i had a friend that had that from working out.. she was fit like you, abs in all 😳

@YoMomma I have a titanium fusion in my lower back and I have a very large knee brace for my right knee that I have to wear for most activities. I don’t mind getting injured but I absolutely hate the stuff that never heals.