I've been doing a lot of thinking recently.... all because of an old photo.
This happened the year after I graduated highschool so 2009. The fact that it's nearing 20 years since I graduated makes me want to vomit but that's something else entirely.
So the photo was of me kissing a male friend of mine on the lips. It was taken at a house party yes there was drinking involved and also some pot. I was not wasted nor high but tipsy. Prior to that photo being taken I was in the bathroom with said friend and a few others. I don't know why we were hanging out in there we just were. Someone turned the lights off to be funny and that's when my friend wanted to kiss me so we did. That to this day was the only time I felt a spark when kissing someone. I have been in relationships before and never felt that spark with any of them. Granted I haven't dated in a few years now but for being a random moment in a bathroom I felt something real from it. Unfortunately in 2014 this friend passed away and we never spoke of the kiss again.
I have questioned my sexuality in the past. It was a lot of back and forth thinking and self conflict but now I'm thinking about it again. I've only ever dated women. I have kissed a few men and have no problem doing that but never tried anything furthur. I admit that trying to date and talk to women felt like a chore to me. At first it's exciting like yay someone wants to get to know me but after awhile that changes to dread and a feeling of sigh I have to respond now. I feel broken because I should be happy and at first I am or at least I think I am but then it feels like a chore or something I do to not leave anyone hanging. I'll go on dates and I just won't feel anything. If anything I will think this person is cool or a great friend but I don't want to go furthur.
Last summer I went clubbing with some people and this guy was hitting on me and for some reason I felt attracted to him. I liked when he wanted to dance by me or talk to me. I just felt a spark like I did in that bathroom long ago. Never saw him again either and kick myself for not getting his number.
The question is now what? I keep wrestling with this thing in my head and to a degree I know the answer but my brain isn't wanting to admit or accept the answer.
So the photo was of me kissing a male friend of mine on the lips. It was taken at a house party yes there was drinking involved and also some pot. I was not wasted nor high but tipsy. Prior to that photo being taken I was in the bathroom with said friend and a few others. I don't know why we were hanging out in there we just were. Someone turned the lights off to be funny and that's when my friend wanted to kiss me so we did. That to this day was the only time I felt a spark when kissing someone. I have been in relationships before and never felt that spark with any of them. Granted I haven't dated in a few years now but for being a random moment in a bathroom I felt something real from it. Unfortunately in 2014 this friend passed away and we never spoke of the kiss again.
I have questioned my sexuality in the past. It was a lot of back and forth thinking and self conflict but now I'm thinking about it again. I've only ever dated women. I have kissed a few men and have no problem doing that but never tried anything furthur. I admit that trying to date and talk to women felt like a chore to me. At first it's exciting like yay someone wants to get to know me but after awhile that changes to dread and a feeling of sigh I have to respond now. I feel broken because I should be happy and at first I am or at least I think I am but then it feels like a chore or something I do to not leave anyone hanging. I'll go on dates and I just won't feel anything. If anything I will think this person is cool or a great friend but I don't want to go furthur.
Last summer I went clubbing with some people and this guy was hitting on me and for some reason I felt attracted to him. I liked when he wanted to dance by me or talk to me. I just felt a spark like I did in that bathroom long ago. Never saw him again either and kick myself for not getting his number.
The question is now what? I keep wrestling with this thing in my head and to a degree I know the answer but my brain isn't wanting to admit or accept the answer.
31-35, M
