A bit of energy and some thoughts

I’ve been on some steroid prescription from hospice. It’s helped minimize my coughing fits, but also gives me a bit of energy (and possibly has to do with my appetite returning a little).
I’m able to clean the house again as long as I pace myself. I drive up the corner to the store every now and then, though I’m out of breath once I get home. It’s not enough energy for me to walk around much, even just the span of a grocery store. Better than laying in bed all day though.

There are moments when I’m awake enough but have to take it easy instead of cleaning up or running errands. I read the Bible and pray. I try to read some books for fun as well, but that’s not enjoyable lately. I try to watch shows or play games…There are too many hours in a day when you have to sit there and rest. Not enough is interesting to do. I would talk more to people, but I only have so much to say lately. And most people don’t like talking about what I do. They don’t like hearing it. They don’t get it, and so I don’t talk how I’d like because it’ll just be disappointing for me.

I might be able to go to church again. I’ll test this week as long as I don’t have coughing fits from now till Sunday. Two days down since they increased the dose, which seems to help, and two days to go. I’ll stick around after for fellowship and donuts. I should have done that before, but I’m not good at talking with people randomly. They probably don’t know that I would like to hear from them at church, though. They probably think I do prefer to be left alone. Not true, but I understand I gave that impression. (Please don’t try to use my posts as opportunities to bash church. Someone did that last time. I’m taking responsibility for how I behave around people; and it’s not all those people’s responsibility as if I’m not also a member of the church with my own responsibility. Strange that I’d be seen as some outsider trying to get in and being rejected instead of me already being a sister in Christ who acts like I reject my brothers and sisters. Understand the perspective? See how I’m the one in the wrong? This is one of those things I feel is constantly misunderstood about me when I try to express myself and try to talk to people.)

Anyway, I’m still alive and cognizant, and now I have some energy. So what am I doing with my life? Working on the state of my heart, and trying to align it with what the Bible says. That’s what I care about as long as I’m stuck here. Yes, I do feel stuck. Same lessons I struggle with, even at the end. I’m so hard-headed. I fail daily. I’m still trying because it matters. (I might have another year in me. 😮‍💨 Who knows how long the Lord is giving me.)

What else am I up to? I’m sitting outside and watching birds and bugs like before. It’ll be a shame when it’s colder, and I can’t handle it anymore. But for now it’s sunny and the sky is blue. I need to appreciate that more.
The birds seem very curious about me. I ate an egg outside, and thought they might be offended, but a couple sparrows hopped down to see if I left them any. Nope. Hard boiled eggs are too annoying to make for me to share them. (I know birds eat eggs as well. I had a budgie who’d eat hers from time to time. They need the nutrients)

Cranky-toned post. I’m sorry, but I also felt like talking about some of it.