i'm going outside for the first time in an entire month tomorrow. (vent)

i'm convinced i'm going to die. but that's how i feel everytime i go outside anyway so it's nothing new. i just need to focus on the thought that it's all in my head. sure, i genuinely could die tomorrow, but the likely hood of that happening- never mind it's kind of high considering i live in a gang infested area and i've already been a target before. actually i'm always a target it seems.

i'm weak. i'm awkward. i avoid eye contact. i stare at the floor when i walk. i talk to myself out loud when i get nervous (i'm always nervous when i'm in public.) i have a resting pissed off face and that's gotten me into trouble with people before. in all honesty, if i were some drugged up thug in a gang who derives pleasure from picking on losers i'd probably target myself too. so i don't blame them too much. life's tough for everyone after all.

my family don't view things from my point of view. which makes sense. when you're alone in your room in the dark for weeks on end it's pretty easy to go a little crazy. i guess if i do get killed i can kinda give my parents the "i told you so" look as i'm bleeding out on the floor. that might sooth some of the pain.

part of me is tired of waiting for something to happen. it's like this never ending suspense. like being on a roller-coaster that's slowly going up and up. when will it come down? when will i be killed? it really is only a matter of time.

i feel sort of pathetic. it's just death. it comes for us all and it's something we all need to face. sure, there's going to be pain. i don't like pain. i really hate pain because i'm weak. but after the pain there's most likely going to be nothingness. obviously i cant exactly say that's going to be nice. you can't have an opinion on nothing. but if i had to guess i'd say it'll be easier than being alive right?

on top of all that stuff i have a phone call with a doctor tomorrow. which is very annoyingly going to take place during my time outside. i already know i'm not going to be able to focus on what the doctor is saying. i won't even be able to hear them. my mind, like always when i'm outside, will be in an entire different world. it's going to be a blur. i'm going to forget everything they said. i just hope i don't accidently use the wrong tone of voice and come off standoffish or seem like a mean person. it's very easy to accidently come across as a prick when i can't think straight.

all in all. i'm not going to die tomorrow. i'll probably laugh at this post when i get home and then proceed to delete it in a week or two. thanks for reading.