Why is the solution to most of my problems, do less

I work so hard to not be like the people that I feel hurt me that I end up separating myself from everyone. In my head if a person I deem as toxic or shitty, does something decent I sometimes avoid that behavior too because I don’t want to be like that person and that blocks me from a part of myself. I get it, it’s a defense mechanism, but sometimes I can’t get past it for a while, it’s out of my control until it’s not, when I let go, but it’s not as easy as “oh I’ll just move on from this in five minutes” it’s like a pattern I fall into. I hold onto it thinking it’s helping me, meanwhile I’m just being controlled by it.

I’d like to stop holding onto things as much, it doesn’t help anymore, and if I really think about it, In the moment, I’m good, I’ve always got my back. It’s just after the situation passes I try to find a way for it never to happen again. I try and control what I can’t control, and go on the defensive / offensive indefinitely and lose myself.